Carey Nieuwhof « Orange Parents

Author Archive : Carey Nieuwhof

5 Signs You Might be a Boastful Parent

Wednesday, May 22nd, 2013

There’s an ongoing debate about the impact of social media on kids. My guess is you’ve got an opinion on it.

But instead of dumping on our kids, let’s talk about something we can control a little more directly.

How are you interacting with social media as a parent?

More specifically, has social media become a platform for you as a parent to preen a little about the achievements and excellence of your kids?

Now please understand, I’m a big fan of social media. My personal view is that social media isn’t good or evil; it simply reveals and amplifies what’s already there.

We like to talk about the things we are passionate about. And we are passionate about our kids. But I tend to agree with a few articles I’ve read recently.

Robert Brooks makes some excellent points in this piece about how parents have taken to using social media to brag on their kids. It’s gone way beyond “My Child is an Honor Student” bumper stickers (which has more than a little swagger to it) to a full blown ego strut. If we spoke out loud at a dinner party the things that we often tweeted or updated online, we might dismissed as being rude, bragging, or showing off.

Tim Elmore has recently written a great article for the Huffington Post about the implications of bragging, over-affirming parents who, he says, are raising a generation of kids with high arrogance and low self-esteem. I find his insights piercing.

So if we reframed the question, we could ask it this way:

Have you taken to boasting, bragging, and otherwise flaunting your children’s accomplishments online?

Probably not a single one of us wants to say yes.

I’m not real thrilled about asking myself the question, but the articles have made me do some soul searching.

Am I a braggart?

Am I proud?

Do I boast?

Because if so, I need to stop.

Do you wonder if you are one of those boastful parents? Here are 5 signs you might be one:

1. You’re as passionate about people knowing about your child’s achievement as you are passionate about your child’s achievement. Don’t get me wrong, parents are supposed to be proud of their kids. But pride may have won the moment when you become as passionate about other people knowing how awesome your kids are as you are about your child’s awesomeness.

2. You feel a need to make your delight public. I love to keep people close to me updated on my kids’ progress. I have two sons I’m very proud of. But telling grandmas and grandpas, the wider family, and some good friends (who also care about our kids) is different than trumpeting it to everyone you know. If you feel a need to make their best moments public, you might well be prone to boasting.

3. You only celebrate your own victories. One of the reasons braggarts are so difficult to like is because they are self-absorbed. They only want to talk about themselves, and rarely ask questions about others. If you can’t share the spotlight, genuinely delight in the accomplishments of others, and not get jealous when others do “better”, pride might be gaining some real estate in your heart.

4. Your gratitude isn’t that genuine. It’s easy to bury boasting under an “I’m so thankful that….insert brag here mantra,” as in “I’m so thankful that my son placed first in his class and crushed all the other kids.” (That’s a little sarcasm, just so you know.) Your private gratitude will always be deeper than your public proclamation. Sometimes true wonder and amazement cannot be expressed in 140 characters or less.

5. You don’t like to give credit to others. Some kids are just gifted. They actually are first in the class. They get all the trophies. And some of you have a child like that. So what do you do? I think humble parents are often last to take the credit. Many will talk about God’s grace, their kid’s hard work, solid coaches, teachers, friends and mentors, instead of giving themselves full marks. For example, “So thankful for everyone who made my daughter’s final year of elementary school such a great one” makes a much better status update than “Top of her class, again!!!!”.

The main reason I can write about this is only because I have to struggle through these things regularly. And I certainly don’t always get it right.

The battle against pride is so important. The last thing I want to do is lead a narcissistic life.

Scratch that.

Even worse would be this: being even partially responsible for the next generation losing the humility and wonder of knowing a God who is gracious to his children and loves us far far beyond our deserving.

That would be the last thing I want to do.

What are you learning in the struggle against pride? Are you bothered by boastful status updates?

How to Have A Family Fight

Friday, April 26th, 2013

So when you first became a family, you likely thought that you would never have a fight.

You would be a perfect couple.

Your son would discipline himself, and your daughter would, well, never sin because she’s your daughter.

How’s that going?

Hasn’t really turned out that way, has it?

The sad reality is that every family fights. As much as we don’t like it, we do. Most of us realize fighting is destructive and likely unChristian, but we don’t know what to do about it.

And the stakes are high.

Families, break up or break down as a result.

So what do you do about fighting?

Well, if you’re going to fight, just fight differently. There are actually two ways for a family to fight.

You can fight with your each other.

Or you can fight for each other.

These two small words– for and with–represent a world of difference in how you fight.

Most of us have only ever had someone fight with us. If someone fights with you:

It’s a zero sum game.

They need to win and you need to lose and you need to win in order for them to lose.

The people who fight care more about themselves than anyone.

Both walk away feeling diminished–usually even the ‘victor’ does over time. Contrast that with fighting for someone. When you fight for someone:

You’re fighting for them so you want to see them better off.

The fight is happening because you want to see them win, not because you want to win.

You care more about their interests than you do about yours.

Both walk away replenished– with the relationship stronger in the short and long term. Even if the other person doesn’t respond well, you have done everything in your power to help them, not hurt them.

Fighting for your family means you want their best interests to prevail, not yours.

It means that when there’s conflict, the conflict is about moving through an issue so the person you’re fighting with is better off, not that so that you are right or feel vindicated.

And finally it means that everyone leaves better than before the fight rather than depleted. Relationships are stronger and the issues got dealt with in a way that actually helped your family move forward.

You know who taught us this?

Jesus.

No one modeled fighting for someone (rather than with someone) better than Jesus. As his enemies nailed him to the cross, he said “Father forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.”

What they didn’t realize of course, is that this Jesus they were killing was dying for them. He was fighting for them while they were fighting with him, and it changed the world.

So what do you think would happen if families started fighting for each other rather than with each other.

Question….when was the last time you fought for your family rather than with them?

This week, fight for your spouse. Fight for your kids. Fight for the relationships that matter most. It could change your family forever.

What Teachers Want Parents to Know

Tuesday, March 19th, 2013

So this might date me, but let me tell you what it was like when I was a kid. If I got in trouble at school, I got in twice as much trouble at home. I think there are more than a few parents who remember that.

So what happened?

Consider one of CNN’s most shared articles written by a teacher about “What Teachers Really Want to Tell Parents.” I don’t agree with everything he says, but I think he may have a point.

If you rescue kids from every potentially negative consequence associated with their behavior, how will they ever desire deep change?

Why do we want to shelter our kids from the consequences of their actions?

Why do we side with our kids, not the teacher?

Why do we help them so much with their homework that it’s pretty much our project?

Why do we intervene in their relationships to make sure all the hurt feelings get eased?

Why do we pick up their socks and towels?

Doesn’t it make sense to let them experience some cause and effect early in life before the stakes are higher?

What if our kids started experiencing these kinds of scenarios while they’re still at home?

If you don’t study, you might fail the test.
If you spend all your allowance at the mall, that simply means you won’t be able to use it for anything else. And the bank doesn’t reopen until next allowance.
If you stayed up too late, you still have to go to school. I guess it means you’ll miss out tomorrow night when you want to hang out with your friends so you can rest up. That’s too bad.
I doubt the teacher would have called home if there were no issue. So let’s try to get to the bottom of it, shall we?

It’s a little easier than to experience these kinds of consequences later in life:

If you don’t learn grammar and proper punctuation, you might not be able to keep that job you’re so excited about.
The credit card companies are a little less forgiving than mom and dad were when it comes to repayment.
Your spouse might be less tolerant of your gaming addiction than your momma and daddy were.
When you say things like that, it actually poisons a relationship. Real people get really hurt.

In fact, as a parent, you hardly need to get angry with your kids for messing up if you allow them to feel the consequences of their action. They’ll feel it. And they might stop.

The stakes are much lower at age 5 or 15 than they are at 25 or 45. So why not help them experience cause and effect now?

What consequence do you think your child or teen might need to feel this week?

5 Ways to Encourage Your Kids to Tell The Truth

Tuesday, March 12th, 2013

My grandmother used to tell me about a parenting strategy she used to us to get my mom and uncles to tell the truth when they were kids.

If she suspected one of her children was lying, she would line them up and tell them that she was going to inspect their foreheads. Every time one of the kids asked why, she simply said, “Because when I see your forehead, I can tell who’s telling the truth or not.”

Inevitably, as she went down the line, the child who was lying would cover their forehead so my grandma couldn’t see. Then my grandmother would proceed to them and say “So it was you. Now I know.”

Clearly, she was a genius.

I suppose using a game of deception to encourage honesty might not be the best parenting idea going, but you have to give her points for ingenuity.

What my grandmother struggled with is what every parent struggles with: how do I get my kids to be honest?

I suppose some of you have some parenting tricks you’d love to share (we’re all ears here), but here are a few strategies that can help you foster the kind of atmosphere that values truth:

1. Start talking about honesty early. If you begin the conversation early, you can establish honesty as a core value in your home. You can reward a toddler’s behavior every time they tell you they did something bad. Well that wasn’t right and we’ll have to do something about it, but I’m SO glad you told me the truth. Thank you! That’s so important!

2. Discourage dishonesty even more than you discourage the crime. We all make mistakes. But we don’t have to lie about them. If your child does something wrong, consequences are in order. But if they lie about what they did, make the consequences greater. If all you do is punish the act, you might be giving them unspoken incentive to lie about the act.

3. Don’t lie. I was going to say this more tactfully, but maybe we need to be direct. Almost all of us tell white lies from time to time. Ever been caught in front of your kids trying to come up with an excuse to get out of something? Oh, just tell them you’re busy, I know you really don’t want to go. Or maybe your kids have overheard you talking about how to get that ‘extra’ day off on your vacation. Well, you could call in sick. Ouch. They model what you do more than they model what you say.

4. Search for a way to tell the truth. While this might not work well with two-year-old, but as your kids get older, explain the dilemma you find yourself in when you are tempted to tell a ‘white lie’. For example, you might say, “I really want to tell her I liked the brocoli salad, but I didn’t. So I found the things I did like and told her about that. . . such as, “I so appreciate all the time and effort you put into making the meal. Thank you!” It teaches your kids to search for a way to tell the truth when we all have trouble finding it. And it teaches them to value honesty in every situation.

5. Talk about your struggles. As your kids get older, talk about your struggles to tell the truth. Tell them about how easy it is to lie in order to not hurt someone’s feelings, and how you really have to wrestle with being 100% honest at work in every situation. When you let them know it’s still a struggle for you, it validates the struggle they feel within themselves. It’s also another way to establish the value of honesty as a core value not just in your home, but in your lives.

What are you learning about valuing honesty in your home? What would you add to the discussion?

A Little Known Secret

Thursday, February 21st, 2013

As we’ve already seen earlier this week, parenting can be emotional.

I also think the combination of sleep deprivation and living in close quarters for years with several other people (an arrangement we call ‘family’) drive people to emotional depths and heights they didn’t know they had.

The idyllic picture of what family life could be (complete with picket fences and picnic baskets) slips away quickly as the sounds of malfunctioning dishwashers, endless repeats of Dora the Explorer, explosions on PS3, and voices on edge fill your home.

You wonder how you could have signed up for this.

Maybe you’re in a tough season as a parent. You know the right thing to do but don’t feel like doing it.

Been there.

There have been seasons in my life during which:

I didn’t feel like I was in love anymore, but I didn’t want to get a divorce.

I thought I didn’t have the skills I needed to be an effective parent, but I certainly didn’t want to leave my kids.

My relationship with God felt flat and even meaningless, even though I was a Christian (and in my case, a Pastor).

What do you do when you feel that way?

Here’s what I did. Being a Christian, I believed that God wanted me (in all seasons) to lead my family and love my wife.

But there were whole seasons where I didn’t feel like doing that. No surprise here, but (as I would learn as I sat down with a good counselor) the problem wasn’t as much with my wife and kids as it was with me.

Despite my struggles, in those seasons where I didn’t feel the emotions that I thought family was supposed to bring, I did one thing: I tried to stay obedient.

I didn’t leave.

I didn’t quit.

I did my best to trust that a better future would come.

I was amazed to discover what happened next. My emotions caught up to my obedience.

I came through the tough seasons when I was basically trying to do the right thing but not feeling much of anything, only to discover than my emotions came back. They caught up with my obedience.

Maybe you’re in a tough season as a parent. You know the right thing to do but don’t feel like doing it.

My encouragement? Do the right thing. Talk to someone around you (even a counselor), and try to be as obedient as you can and do what you know is right.

And here’s what I think might happen: your emotions will eventually catch up to your obedience.

Because we pushed through things, my marriage has never been better or richer. Sure, we have disagreements, but we are so thankful we didn’t call it quits when we both felt like it.

My relationship with my two sons runs stronger and deeper than I ever imagined it could. I’m so thankful I didn’t just pack up when I wanted to.

It hasn’t been easy, but now we are reaping the benefit of trying to do the right thing in hard times. And it’s so worth it.

So hang in there, and you might discover what many have discovered. Eventually, your emotions actually do catch up to your obedience.

What about you? Have you ever experienced this?

Angry Dad

Monday, February 18th, 2013

Few things are more emotional than family.

Your family began when two people fell in love. When you first held your child in your arms, it triggered feelings you had never felt before. Suddenly, you understood in a whole new way what unconditional love was.

Until, of course, your toddler woke you up at 5 a.m. and your three-year-old started biting all his friends. You were perfectly composed until your six-year-old scratched your brand new car with his bike three days after you picked it up from the dealer. You were having a perfectly sane day until your pre-teen looked at you with more sincerity than he’s ever shown about anything and said: “I hate you! You’re the worst parent in the world!”

Those events trigger a whole other set of emotions you didn’t know you had.

But, still simmering, later that night you step into their bedroom and you see them sleeping soundly—looking positively angelic—and you wonder how you could possibly even be mad at them.

Let’s face it, parenting is emotional. Way more emotional than you expected.

Even as a guy who’s not that emotional, I was shocked at how much family can trigger emotions like anger, disappointment and frustration. I’m sure women experience many more emotions than that, but as a guy, three’s about all we understand anyway. You get my point.

So, what do you do about that?

If you’re like me, your default is to try to discipline in the moment.

You’re angry.

They’re angry.

That part of your brain that ties logic to emotion is on override.

And you end up imposing a discipline that makes sense in the moment. But only in the moment.

About ten minutes later you ask yourself what you were thinking, and you either relent or end up enforcing a consequence that at this point even you think is dumb.

So, what do you do to fix that?

Here are three suggestions that have helped me manage my emotions as a dad (and husband):

1. Pre-decide the consequence of missed behavior. A lot of the time as parents, we make up the punishment for misbehavior on the spot—at the very moment when you, as a parent, are about to blow a gasket. Question: How wise is that? I mean, imagine if police officers got to do that. What if you got pulled over and the cop told you he was having a terrible day and since he didn’t like red cars and you were going far too fast he was going to lock you up for a decade. Civilized society doesn’t behave that way. So, why should civilized parents? Why not decide ahead of time what the consequence of disobedience on key issues will be? Better yet, why not explain them to your son or daughter? They might even try to avoid the behavior and the consequence. And even if they don’t, you don’t have to think on the spot. The consequence is pre-decided. Just like in the real world. Bingo.

2. Involve your older kids in choosing the consequence of their misbehavior. As my kids approached the teen years, my wife and I started asking them what they thought was fair in terms of consequences if they broke a rule. To our utter surprise, they sometimes suggested consequences that were stricter than ours would have been. (Win.) And we are known as fairly ’strict’ parents. And even if you have to negotiate, humans tend to think rules are more fair if you had input into making them. We humans even tend to obey rules better when we help make them. And last time we checked, teens were still human. Give it a try.

3. Never make tomorrow’s decisions based on today’s emotions. This might be the biggest one of all. Anger and logic don’t mix well. Chances are you’ll think much more clearly about an issue that upset you after a good night’s sleep than you will in the moment. If the issue is a repeated pattern and you’re tempted to do more than just a quick discipline, take some time to think and pray through the issue overnight. Even talk it over with a spouse or good friend. Bottom line: when you stop making tomorrow’s decisions based on today’s emotions, you make much better decisions. That’s true in life as well as in parenting.

Those are three things that have helped me navigate the emotional ups and downs of being a dad.

What’s helping you? What are you learning? Few things are more emotional than family.

Are You Focusing On the Right Thing?

Monday, February 4th, 2013

Photo by Mark Wilson

Although I wish it wasn’t true, I can often focus on the negative at the expense of the positive.

I tend to focus on:

The “+” that was missing behind the “A” on the report car, rather than the A.

The things that are going wrong, not the things that are going right (so we can fix them, of course).

The problems I see, not the opportunities that present themselves.

The cracks in my kids’ character, not the good things so many others see.

About a decade ago, a colleague said something to me that I will never forget. She simply said:

“What you focus on expands.”

Those five words have changed so much for me in the last decade.

I think this maxim is true, whether you want it to be or not:

If you focus on the negative, guess what you end up seeing? More negative.

If you focus on the faults in people, guess what you see? Their faults.

Focus on someone’s strengths and guess what you see? Their strengths.

I have to remind myself to choose my focus as a parent. Because if I’m not careful, I’ll focus on the weaknesses I see around me, not the incredible strengths the people I love most possess.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t work on weaknesses or pay attention to character cracks. But I am saying that if that’s all you focus on, it expands. And often it creates a tension and dynamic you really don’t want.

I mean, when I think about how I like to be treated (and even how I like to be led), I’d rather

Hear praise than criticism

Be encouraged

Be told what’s right than what’s wrong

Know someone is behind me

Know that they see how hard I’m trying

And when they see the good I’m trying to do, guess what I do? Try to do more good things.

If you feel like you’re losing the battle in a relationship, adjust your focus:

Encourage more than you criticize.

Tell them what they did right, rather than everything they did wrong.

Trust, rather than suspect.

Believe, rather than doubt.

Hope, rather than despair.

As a parent, you have the incredible power to bring out the best or call out the worst in your family (not to mention in yourself). And so much of that gets determined by what you focus on.

So. . .what are you focusing on as a parent?

Because what you focus on expands.

New Year, New Heart

Wednesday, January 2nd, 2013

So it’s a brand new year. Here’s a question to kick off 2013.

How’s your heart?

The heart is pretty vital. It’s what we live out of really; it’s the wellspring of life. Our hearts help us feel the highs and lows, navigate wonder and mystery, keep our imaginations stimulated and our dreams alive. It is the place where hope and faith live.

While I don’t know about you, I have found that the longer I live, the more intentional I have to be at keeping my heart open and fully alive.

I think that’s true for a lot of parents. When you’re in your twenties, your marriage is fresh, being a parent is cool. . .sort of, except for the sleepless nights. But you hit the wall of real life somewhere in your thirties or forties and a natural casualty is your heart.

For almost all of us, as time goes on something happens to your heart.

It gets hard.

You grow cynical.

It stops beating the way it used to.

Too many disappointments.

Too many people let you down.

Too many hopes dashed.

Too much fear that maybe your family isn’t turning out the way you once dreamed.

The signs of a hardened heart start subtly but eventually become hard to miss:

You don’t really celebrate and you don’t really cry.

You stop genuinely caring.

What used to be meaningful is now mechanical. Everything that used to be fun is now an obligation.

Passion is hard to come by. For anything. Including your marriage.

You no longer believe the best about people. Even when you meet someone, you’re thinking about what’s going to go wrong, not what’s going to go right.

So how do you get your heart beating again? Believe it or not, you can get your heart back in 2013. It will beat again.

Here are five ways to renew your heart:

1. Push past your feelings. Sure, there are seasons where what’s supposed to be meaningful feels mechanical. Do it anyway. Go to work. Kiss your spouse. Hang out with your kids. Read your Bible. Pray (even if you feel you’re talking to the ceiling). Just because you don’t feel like it’s real doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Eventually, your emotions will catch up to your obedience.

2. Get some rest. Fatigue and overwork can numb your heart. Sometimes I find my heart grows hard because I’m not resting. Get eight hours sleep for a week. Take a day off and do something you love—like going on a hike, exploring a city or reading a great book. Even God took a Sabbath. If you don’t take the Sabbath, the Sabbath will take you.

3. Don’t over-personalize your failures and successes. My kids remind me all the time that I can take things too personally. They’re right. If your life is going well, it might not be because you’re so awesome. And if things are sputtering, it might not be because your so incompetent. Take the long view.

4. Decide to trust, again. This one is huge. Because most of us are once-bitten, twice-shy, it’s so important to consciously re-engage your heart and trust people again. Someone may have hurt you, but not everyone will. Yes, you will be vulnerable, but trust again. God did. And still does. Jesus’ arms were wide open when he died, despite the pain of the wounds and the scars.

5. Fight isolation. Community is the problem for most of us (it’s hard to get hurt all by yourself). But community is also the solution. You will want to be alone. Don’t. Solitude is used by God. Isolation is used by the enemy. Talk to God. And talk to a friend. Find a mentor. Process privately while leading publicly. And yes, sometimes go see a counselor. My very first trip to a counselor over ten years ago happened because I realized my heart had gone hard. We were coming out of a very difficult time as a church and it really impacted my marriage. The counsellor’s help was providential. Time with a counselor is one of the reasons my heart still beats and can still leap and soar today.

So those are some ideas that can help you care for your own heart.

I don’t know which method for renewal resonated most with you, but I do know this: your heart can become new again.

And one day, you’ll look back on this season when your kids were young and be so thankful you did what you needed to do to get your heart healthy again. It’s not just an investment in them—it’s an investment in you.

What’s helped your heart find new life in a tough season?

Your Imperfect Christmas is a Front Row Seat

Monday, December 24th, 2012

It’s no secret that Christmas can be one of the most stressful times of the year.

And the tension is that by this point, Christmas Eve, all the ‘how to avoid stress’ tips from the I’ve-got-everything-together-why-don’t-you people seem too little too late:

Start your shopping early. (Some of you are reading this on your phone at the mall. There are three more shopping hours till Christmas, right?)
Eat in moderation. (But you’ve already been to six Christmas parties, and Christmas has barely begun.)
Spend less. (You tried. Really tried.)
Don’t say ‘yes’ to every family gathering. (But how could you say ‘no’? And now your holiday is anything but a vacation.)

I could go on, but it wouldn’t be helpful. The truth is that no matter how much we plan ahead, there is stress associated with the holidays. Which is incredibly good news. Especially given that it’s Christmas. The stress you’re feeling this Christmas (or the grief, or the emptiness) is exactly why Christmas arrived in the first place.

Jesus arrived on the planet not because we had it all together, but because we didn’t.

Jesus wasn’t born into a world where everyone got along perfectly.

Jesus didn’t come for us because we were exceptionally well organized and on budget.

Jesus didn’t come into a world where families were perfectly behaved.

Jesus didn’t arrive on earth because spouses got along beautifully and never argued.

Jesus didn’t move into a world where people worshipped without ever doubting.

He came into a world that desperately needed GRACE. What if your imperfect Christmas is actually a front row seat to grace?

Grace is a much misunderstood concept. It’s never earned. It’s not deserved. Because if it were, it wouldn’t be grace. Grace is simply undeserved love. Love that came to you not because you’ve got it oh-so-together, but because you don’t. That’s Christmas. That’s the Gospel.

And if you look hard enough, it’s actually in the tension this Christmas where you might see grace the most clearly:

At dinner with that terribly awkward relative. Grace never discriminates. Grace is favor that is unmerited, and your favor can be too.

When the kids expect too much. In the same way that you get frustrated with the expectations of your kids, God must at times get frustrated with the expectations we bring to him. Yet his love remains.

When you see the homeless. Jesus was born in a feeding trough, and the announcement of his birth went to common shepherds. God has a heart for His people.

In your exhaustion. Grace comes when we need it most. . .and it never runs out.

Sure, it would be nice if we did a little better next year. But that should never kill the joy, the power or the message of Christmas. In fact, it underscores it.

The surprise of Christmas is this: it speaks to us in our weakness even more than it speaks to us in our strength. And because of your imperfect Christmas, you might have a front row seat to see what Christmas is actually all about.

So Merry Christmas!

How To Become A More Relationally-Focused Parent

Friday, December 7th, 2012

As I shared in my last post, like some of you, I am a task-oriented, A-type person.

It took me a while to figure out that the habits and practices we get rewarded for in the workplace can be the very things that work against us (and our families) at home. While tasks are important, nothing trumps relationships. And the better the relationships, the healthier the family.

If, like me, you’re always “on” and ready to accomplish something, it can produce an unintended tension. As we’ve seen, there are at least five things that create tension in the home when your default is task orientation:

People can be seen as interruptions rather than priorities.
When it comes to achievement, you can see your family as a project rather than as people.
You can miss the pleasure in days off.
You can misunderstand the love language of family members who value unstructured quality time.
It can be hard to focus on relationships when there are so many things to do.

So, how do you overcome those challenges and avoid unnecessary tension? Here are some things that I have done that I hope you will also find helpful.

1. I retrained myself to value interruptions.

When my sons would ask me to read a story for the 100th time, shoot a puck with them or drive them to a friend’s house, I began to realize these were incredible moments that wouldn’t last forever and that I would miss someday. Once I began to behave like that was true, I began to enjoy those moments so much more.

2. I started valuing who people actually were, rather than who they might become.

A-type, task-oriented people get their reward by accomplishing things. That can easily spill over into your family and into your parenting. I found I was too often trying to ‘fix’ all the problems I thought I saw. I got better at accepting my kids for who God designed them to be, not who I might have wanted them to be.

3. I had to plan to “be off.”

Days off used to frustrate me because I didn’t see the value in relaxation. Unstructured time was something I struggled with. A breakthrough came for me when I realized that the value in unstructured time is deepening the relationships with those you love most. And if the downtime was scheduled, I valued it more than if it “just happened.” I learned to take full days off with my kids to just simply hang out. Saturdays became days where not getting much done was a good thing. (If you’re not an A-type, you wouldn’t understand. If you are, you get this.)

4. I learned to appreciate the unique wiring of each member of my family.

My wife loves quality time, which to her means I’m unplugged, fully present and engaged. My kids appreciate that too. Being in the same room is often enough for my youngest son, while my older son loves to do things together. Adapting to their unique styles helps me forge deeper relationships with each of them.

5. I learned to unplug.

This is the biggest struggle for me personally. It still is. Phones, iPads and laptops mean I am rarely away from “work.” And even if I am, I find it almost impossible to truly clear my mind and not think about ministry, the next message series, or even the next project around the house or book chapter I need to write. My mind is always racing, always turning. Some rules like “no phones at the table” and “no phone calls in the car” have helped me reclaim quality time with my family around meals and travel. Powering down while we’re out on a day trip helps too. Vacation is probably the best time for me to be completely unplugged and present. The more I schedule “unplugged time,” the better I get at it.

As a result of all this, I’ve become a better husband and dad while still being able to leverage the strengths that a task-orientation brings. How about the rest of you task-oriented people? What’s helped you value the relationships and make time for the people who matter most in life?