Carey Nieuwhof « Orange Parents

Author Archive : Carey Nieuwhof

Preparing Your Kids for Life Online

Friday, January 27th, 2012

Almost every parent I know worries about technology and their kids.

When should my child get a phone? Facebook? Be allowed to game? Get their own tablet or computer? How do I know what’s really going on?

I think our natural default as parents is to think about imposing external limits. And external limits absolutely have a place. It’s good to monitor content, set age limits, establish maximum screen times and more.

But three things in the last five years have changed how all of us–including our kids–interact with technology:

1. The rise of broadband. Can we just say you can access a lot more with high speed connections, a lot more quickly, than on dial-up?

2. The emergence of mobile. Everyone has access, everywhere.

3. The influence of social networks. A big part of life has moved online, 24/7, and the pull is almost irresistible.

Five years ago, what your kids saw and did was so much easier to control externally. A family computer in a central location in the house with browser controls and parents nearby made it much easier to control where your kids went online. Limit screen time and voila, you had a policy.

Smartphones, tablets, netbooks and laptops require a completely different strategy. Most kids can be online all the time, wherever they go. And most of them are.

So what do you do?

I think one of the biggest shifts we can make as parents is to help our kids develop internal values that character brings, not just be guided by the external limits a parent imposes. Character, more than externally imposed limits, has the greatest potential to transform our children’s lives online. The difference is important:

External limits say you avoid things because somebody’s looking; character says you avoid them because it’s the right thing to do.

External limits restrict screen time because your dad imposed a schedule; character limits your screen time because you realize there are other important things in life.

External limits say you restrict your browsing because others won’t let you go there; character says you restrict your browsing because you won’t let yourself go there.

Externally imposed limits never carry the power of internally imposed values, because eventually we all get to a place where no one else is looking. Every child grows up and moves out of the house. And if all they’ve had are externally enforced limits, it might be a long time before they realize that some things are simply not wise or good, even if they are permissible. And with handheld devices exploding, external limits don’t work very well the moment your kids leave your sight.

It’s our values that will carry the day when no one’s looking. And with mobile, the times when no one’s looking are far more frequent than when someone is.

Don’t get me wrong, externally imposed limits have a place, especially when your kids are young. They are critical. But our goal is to prepare our children for adulthood. Eventually, it’s up to them.

Here are three suggestions that can help you start the character conversation with your child or teen:

1. Describe the online world as a place with ample good and also some bad. If you’re only negative about it, your kids won’t trust your judgment. They realize there is tremendous good available online.

2. Talk honestly about the limits of externally imposed guidelines. Explain that they’ll be in situations where it’s 100% up to them to decide what’s right and wrong, and help them prepare for those moments.

3. Encourage feedback from them about their time alone online. Some kids naturally want parental input, some naturally resist it. Create a safe dialogue where they can come to you honestly about what they’re struggling with. If you can refrain from judging them or lecturing them on the things they could have done differently, you’ll find they are much more willing to talk to you.

This is not at all a comprehensive list; this is new territory for many parents. So pipe in, how do you help your kids navigate the growing world of life online?

Disconnect to Reconnect Your Family

Wednesday, January 25th, 2012

I remember getting my first smartphone about seven years ago. It wasn’t much compared to what’s in the marketplace today, but I was mesmerized. I thought it was so amazing that you could text and email right off your phone and almost (emphasis on almost) browse the Web. Even at dinner. Even on vacation.

My family, however, was not nearly as amused. At dinner, they would tell me to put it away.

The novelty had not worn off on me, but there was no novelty at all to them. I really had a hard time understanding why it was such a problem.

That is until my wife and kids got their own phones, and I started feeling ignored. Suddenly, it dawned on me what they had been putting up with.

Technology is attractive, and as we said earlier, it’s not inherently evil. It can be used for good (even great) things. But you need to engage it intentionally.

Here’s why. Your children will tell you incessantly how much they want a phone, an iPad or a gaming system. What they won’t tell you is how much they want a relationship or how badly they need a relationship with you. And as parents, we can get so caught up in it all that we forget to fight for the heart of our spouses and children.

What I love about how my family responded to my first smartphone is that their instinct was to fight for their relationship with me. While I was connecting with lots of people, I wasn’t connecting with the most important people – my family. They fought for my heart. They were prioritizing the right things. I wish I had seen it earlier, but I’m so glad they saw it. And that they acted.

Over the last few years, we’ve made some changes in how we relate as a family in light of technology that is increasingly a part of our personal worlds.

Here are some things we do to make sure we stay connected as a family:

We shut off everything (except some background music) at dinner. No phones, no TV, just conversation and food. We try to eat at home together as a family 5-6 times a week.
We don’t use our phones in the car. Catch up on phone calls (handsfree, of course) when you’re alone, not when you’re with your spouse or kids. Being together in the car is a great chance to talk about things that you wouldn’t normally talk about. Similarly, I’ve never owned a vehicle with a DVD player in the back seats for that reason. Because we drive a lot, it probably adds 5 to 10 hours of quality time to our family life each week, not to mention some incredible road trip memories.
We play board games.
We look for activities to do together, whether that’s hiking, biking or boating. It gets us away and we invest in each other.
We have family and friends over – and linger over dinner.
We go on vacations together. It’s amazing to me how everyone instinctively puts their phones and other devices away when we’re on holiday. Sure, we google the next day’s activities, but vacation ramps up relationships very powerfully. Every year, we spend a week at a place where our phones don’t even work and there are no TVs. My kids call it their favourite place on earth.

Disconnecting like this helps us connect with each other.

How about you? What do you do to help you stay connected with each other?

Is Technology Killing Your Family?

Monday, January 23rd, 2012

I kind of like technology. You might say I’m a bit addicted.

Three people live in our house–me, my wife, and our teenage son. Ten years ago, we had one family computer that sat in the living room, and I had a laptop for work. Today, between the three of us, we have nine computer-ish devices–three smart phones, two tablets, two laptops, a PC and an iMac. Throw a couple of TVs and a gaming system into the mix and it’s, well, ridiculous.

Or is it? It is the 21^st Century after all. This scene gets played out all over North America. After dinner, your daughter is Facebooking her friends. Your son is gaming, obsessively trying to get to the next level. You’re on your laptop and your spouse is texting a friend while the two of you are watching TV.

The challenge this poses is simple: Everyone is connecting with someone—just not with the people in the room.

So, who’s to blame? It’s easy to finger technology for creating a relational disconnect. According to a recent study, only 35 percent of tweens and teens feel emotionally close to their dads, and only 59 percent feel emotionally close to their moms.

We can pretend that life was simpler back in the day before WIFI left no room unconnected. When you’re struggling to have a conversation with your kids, and between the Wii and YouTube you can’t get a word in edge-wise, it’s natural to think technology has killed your family.

I’m not sure it’s that simple. Here’s a question to wrestle with: What if technology isn’t good or evil, but simply reveals and amplifies what’s already there?

There may indeed be a relational disconnect, but many of us grew up in a home where the primary activity we shared decades ago was watching TV. (Ironically, that’s still the number one activity parents and teens engage in together today.) And more than a few of us grew up in homes where relationship was hard to come by. Many children of the sixties, seventies and eighties had parents who worked long hours, moms who were busy with friends, distracted by book clubs or endless housework, or dads who came home only to disappear to the golf course or to the garage to tinker all night. Distraction and disconnection aren’t new.

Maybe technology is simply revealing and amplifying a problem that’s been with us for awhile.

Which is why I’m so glad you’re with us this week on the blog: relationships within families are worth fighting for and technology doesn’t have to kill your family. In fact, technology gives us incredible opportunities and the potential for unprecedented connectedness. But like all things, it needs to be managed so it becomes a servant of what matters most–our relationship with God and each other.

Something else to think about: there’s a reasonable likelihood technology is here to stay. So, this week we’ll explore ways to approach technology that might help your family manage it well.

In the meantime, take some time to evaluate the state of relationship in your home. To get started, ask yourself this question:

If all the technology in your home was removed tomorrow, what would be left of your relationship with your family?

I realize that can be a tough question, but tough questions can lead us to great places relationally. Especially if, like me, you like technology.

So, if the power went out and the WIFI and cable went down, what would be left of the relationships in your home?

Focus on This One Thing

Wednesday, January 11th, 2012

So, let’s do a quick survey:

If I asked you whether you would like your child or teen to display any of the following characteristics, what would you say?

Love

Joy

Peace

Patience

Goodness

Kindness

Faithfulness

Gentleness

Let me rephrase that: Is there anyone who doesn’t want to see these in their kids? I mean, come on, many of us pray for these things to be active in our child’s life.

Why wouldn’t you? Kids who exhibit these things become adults who make outstanding spouses, parents, employees, bosses and citizens.

Now, another list. Anyone interested in seeing these characteristics at work in our kids’ lives?

Outbursts of anger

Hostility

Quarrelling

Jealousy

Envy

Drunkenness

Dissension

Exactly. None of us. In fact, it’s a bit repulsive.

You pray against these things, don’t you?

As some of you are realizing, this list isn’t arbitrary. In fact, it’s pulled directly from the Bible (Galatians 5:19-23).

The two lists describe what happens when God is at work in us and when He is not.

What has bothered me about this for years is that sometimes my life can look more like the second list, and less like the first. What gives? I’m a Christian. Shouldn’t my life automatically default to the better virtues? Shouldn’t some change ensue? How come when I pray, things don’t change nearly as much as I want them to?

Well, I left one of the virtues off the list. In addition to the Holy Spirit bringing love, joy and more, He brings one other thing: self-control. (It’s in verse 23.)

For years, I thought self-control was such an odd addition to the list. You could almost frame the list and hang it somewhere prominent if it wasn’t for the word “self-control.” That one is just so, utilitarian or something.

But more recently I realized that it might be the most important virtue of all. Why? Because if I have self-control, everything else is so much easier.

Self-control makes it easier to love. And to be gentle. And to keep peace. And to be kind. Being able to control yourself leads to fewer outbursts of anger, fewer quarrels and means you can stop drinking or not drink at all.

Omit self-control, and both lists start to look either impossible to attain or impossible to avoid. Add self-control, and the whole thing flips.

Which is maybe why one of the best things you can do for yourself, and your family, is to put more focus on the virtue of self-control.

What if every day you were more intentional about choosing to do something you didn’t want to and showing your kids how to do the same? What if every time you prayed, you also prayed for the virtue of self-control? In your child’s life, teen’s life, and your life, it might just change more than you think.

Want to Increase Your Child’s Self-Esteem?

Friday, January 6th, 2012

What parent doesn’t? I’ve not yet met a parent who’s said, “I hope to instill such a low sense of self-esteem in my kids that they struggle with self worth for the rest of their lives.”

Despite our best intentions, self-esteem issues arise in almost all of us. Why?

It’s not for lack of trying. Many of us offer endless streams of encouraging words to our kids. We pretty much hand out awards for everything from potty training to putting away their crayons to not skipping class in high school. We enroll them in non-competitive sports where every one’s a winner no matter how many goals get scored. (I tried to coach that kind of team once when my youngest son was six. Let’s just say my purpose on earth likely has little to do with coaching non-competitive sports.) In some circles, everything we tell our kids is designed to encourage them, even when maybe they shouldn’t be encouraged.

But self-esteem continues to be evasive, with a generation or two of kids who vacillate between unrealistically high view of themselves and a crushingly low self-esteem. Sometimes in the same child. Sometimes in the same child on the same day.

I want to make a strange connection: What if self-control and self-esteem are linked? What if the child who develops self-control also ends up developing self-respect?

Think about it. When do you feel best about yourself? I personally feel much better about myself when I:

Keep my word.

Eat healthy.

Work out.

Prioritize devotional time with God.

Treat people with kindness, even when I feel like doing otherwise.

Show up prepared and on time.

Exceed expectations.

Take responsibility rather than blame others.

What links every single one of these things is a very difficult-to-master virtue: self-control. When I practice self-control in all areas of my life (resisting impulses, making myself do things I don’t want to do, prioritizing my time and energy), my self-respect grows. By contrast, when I fail in areas like this, my self-respect and self-esteem suffers; I can get into an endless stream of self-defeating talk that’s hard to get out of. Until I practice more self-control.

See the link? Self-control and self-respect are perhaps a little more tied together than we might initially think.

As a result, if you want to grow a healthy self-esteem in your child, you might want to help them develop a healthy sense of self-control. Which is one of the reasons why what we’re talking about this month is so important. And why things like doing homework, helping out around the house, not acting on every impulse, or indulging every whim is an important part of every child and teen’s development.

Ironically, one of the best ways to develop self-esteem might not be to try to directly instill self-esteem at all, but instead to work on self-control. Better self-esteem, surprisingly, may follow.

Christmas and the G Word

Thursday, December 15th, 2011

Hi. My name is Carey, and I’m greedy. (This is the point where you all say, “Hi Carey.”)

Gosh, I hate to say it. I mean no one goes around and says they’re greedy, right? We might think other people are greedy (it’s just so easy to spot the sins of others, even from a distance), but it’s so difficult to see in ourselves.

But read this definition of greedy and tell me if at least a piece of it doesn’t own you—or your kids.

Greed is an excessive desire to acquire or possess more than what one needs or deserves, especially with respect to material wealth.

What makes this time of year difficult for greedy people is that we’re going to add to the pile of what we have that we arguably don’t need. There are things I want that I don’t need. And most of us are actually going to receive things that not only do we not need, but we do not want. In the incredibly affluent culture of North America, the problem of greed runs deep.

There’s a fine line we tread as parents in helping our kids celebrate Christmas. I still remember the almost delirious excitement I had as a child in being able to open gifts at Christmas. Let’s face it, what kid doesn’t love to get gifts at Christmas?

So, how do you make sure, as a parent, that you don’t inadvertently fuel greed in your family this Christmas?

I suppose there are a few options:

Don’t give presents.
Hand out coal.
Read from Deuteronomy and pretend its February.

But those are almost certain recipes to kill some of the joy that comes with Christmas.

In my experience, the very best antidote to greed I’ve discovered is generosity. The more I give, the deeper I cut into the greed that lives inside of me.

The more I am willing to take giving to a sacrificial level (to the point where we are not doing things as a family because we are giving income away), the more I am reminded that this life is not about me or about my wants and desire. By far, generous giving is the best antidote to the greed that lives inside of me.

As Christmas approaches, ask yourself this question: what am I doing to stem greed in my family this Christmas? Maybe you could:

Sponsor a family in need.
Serve in a local mission over the holidays.
Talk to your kids about how you as a family have decided to give first, save second, and live on the rest.
Make sure giving is part of your full year—your weekly practice—rather than just a seasonal pursuit.
Work with your kids to incorporate giving as part of their regular rhythm in 2012.

All I know is this: I’m greedy. And the best way I know to tackle that in my life is to give away a noticeable portion of the things that God has given me.

What helps you wrestle down greed in your life and in your family?

Twelve Keys to a Miserable Christmas

Monday, December 12th, 2011

Christmas is a bit nerve-wracking, isn’t it? I mean the stakes are high, and you’ve accumulated a few bad experiences along the way to remind you that things don’t always go as planned.

Despite our best intentions, Christmas is a high stress season with so much at stake. To raise the tension a little further, this may be your 35th Christmas, but it might only be your daughter’s fifth. I need to remind myself all the time that I’m writing the story of my kids’ childhood every day.

And we only get about 18 of these holidays before our kids grow up and leave home. So each one matters. Each Christmas is important. It might be just one more holiday for us grown-ups (special, as it is), but for kids, well, they’re like kids at Christmas.

So, how do you make Christmas better this year?

Sometimes the best way to figure out what works is to pay attention to what doesn’t work. In the spirit of Christmas, we thought we’d help. Here’s a list of 12 things guaranteed to help make Christmas miserable.

1. Head into Christmas exhausted, exposing your temper and nerves to everyonee.

2. Speak badly about other family members when they’re not in the room.

3. Overspend this Christmas trying to impress your kids with stuff they’ll throw away two years from now anyway.

4. Ignore the family members and neighbors who usually get ignored at this time of year anyway.

5. Focus the kids on what they’ll get for Christmas—not on what they could give.

6. Leave everything to the last minute so the tension runs high in the moments you should be making great memories.

7. If you share custody of your kids, be greedy in the time you want with the kids and try to outspend and outdo your ex.

8. Do nothing for the poor. Make it all about you and your wants.

9. Focus on what you don’t have, not on what you do have.

10. Obsess about the way your house looks and how perfect the meal needs to be.

11. Argue a lot over small things.

12. Let the celebration of Jesus end at church.

What has helped ruin your Christmases in the past? What do you do that helps you create great memories?

A Happier Thanksgiving

Tuesday, November 22nd, 2011

It was one of those moments I was so thankful for and at the same time kind of wish never happened—someone explained to me what the key to happiness is.

Surprisingly, it’s not
making more money
having everything go according to plan
living with your every need provided for

You would think all of that would make us thankful, but it rarely does. Rather than engender gratitude, it tends to only provide some acknowledgment that what we hoped would happen did happen. And then we hope for a little better next time. Gratitude rarely enters the picture.

So what’s the key to finding gratitude?

Low expectations.

The lower your expectations are, the happier you are with whatever you get.

If you come home one afternoon and expect the house to be perfect, you can have a melt down over three dishes left in the sink (well, at least some of us can given our wiring). Conversely, if you come home expecting the kitchen to be a complete disaster but your kids have emptied the dishwasher and set the table, you might actually be grateful for what they did despite the fact that the counter looks like a warzone. It’s all about expectations.

On a trip to Guatemala a few years ago, I was astounded by how grateful the kids were for even the smallest things we would bring with us. Our team brought out a soccer ball one night. The kids were almost delirious with joy. We played for hours and they would go on to play for days, weeks and months with it.

Back home I had at least three soccer balls in my overfilled garage. I’m not sure one of them ever produced a genuine smile on anyone’s face.

The only difference? The expectations of those involved.

Low expectations foster gratitude because they help us see everything that comes our way as a gift.

High expectations tend to suck the gratitude from us, because even when they are met, we tend to see what’s come to us as an entitlement.

Entitled people (and entitled kids) are never grateful.

So what do you feel entitled to?
A ‘perfect picture’ holiday dinner?
Kids who do everything as told when they are told?
Three football games in a row?
A Black Friday shopping spree with a minimum budget of ______?

Hang on to those expectations and you’re pretty much guaranteed a disappointing Thanksgiving. Release them, and you might be surprised.

By the way, this also works for Christmas. And your job. And your marriage. And life.

It’s also what allowed Paul to be in prison and sing songs of joy.

Lower expectations really are a key to gratitude.

What expectations have you lowered? How has that helped you?

These are the Good Old Days

Thursday, November 17th, 2011

Remember the good old days?

What did they look like for you? For me, summer afternoons were spent heading down to the creek to play with some of my best friends. Every day I would ride my banana seat bike up and down our cul-de-sac road. There was a dirt pile near the willow tree on a lot nearby that provided endless hours of mindless fun. My grandparents lived two doors down. They always had candy, cookies, ginger ale and some great stories to tell. I remember standing on my bed looking out my window on long summer nights, wishing I could still be playing outside.

Those were the good old days.

It’s funny to me that almost every generation looks back on the good old days with some nostalgia. Whether you are in your twenties or fifties, most of us parents yearn for times we remember that seemed simpler, less complicated and just, well, better.

Strangely, the era I’m describing as my good old days was marked by corruption in the White House, the war in Vietnam, race riots, an oil crisis and rising inflation and unemployment. I’m sure my parents felt the tension (they were immigrants trying to raise a family) and the newspapers of the time complained about how horrible things had gotten. In the 70s people longed for the 50s. But I had no clue. I was a kid. And those were the good old days.

Ever think about this? These are the good old days for your kids.

They probably don’t feel that way to you. You’re likely as stressed as you’ve ever been. Life has never seemed so complicated. Friends you know are going through family breakup and career crises. And some days you feel like you can barely hold it together.

How can you make sure these become great times for your kids, even if they don’t seem like great times to you?

Here are a few things my parents and grandparents did to help make those younger years incredible for me:

They cultivated a keen sense of family. Some of my best memories happened because people I cared about were around a lot. Cultivate a quantity of quality time.

They made small moments big.We didn’t have a lot of money to travel, so we made our own fun. We camped out in the backyard in a canvas tent. And our portable pool (that was only knee high) had a deep end caused by the shadow of the house that fell across it every afternoon. You had to be big to get into the deep end.

They lived as though there was a God in control of the world that seemed out of control. Even though the images on TV suggested otherwise, my family helped me see there was a God bigger than any problem any of us were facing. That made the days seem good, even if they weren’t.

They stayed committed to each other, and to us. There is a deep peace a child gets in knowing his family will be there for each other. I was fortunate enough to have that growing up.

What made the good old days good for you? What’s helping you forge some good seasons for your kids right now, despite everything going on around you?

Influential

Friday, October 28th, 2011

Earlier this week we said that one way to see where your children are heading in life is to look at their friends and the people who influence them. Your closest friends are a preview of the future you.

Now, I totally understand that will cause some of us to worry. Not that we need another reason to worry–many of us hardly have difficulty finding reasons to panic. But read on…help is closer than you think.

If you’re worrying, what do you do? After all, there’s an organic quality to friendship that you just can’t manage. As much as parents love to control things, we can’t really influence who our child likes.

So what can you do to encourage your child to move in a different direction relationally? The younger they are, the more influence you have on their relational circle. But one day our kids will be on their own and 100 percent able to choose who they hang out with. What do you do between the toddler and college years that’s healthy and not overbearing?

Here are a few suggestions:

Have an honest conversation. It’s not unreasonable or overbearing to talk to your kids in their early elementary years (and every few years after that) about the importance of their friends and how they impact the quality and direction of their life.

Create conditions. You can’t control a child’s every moment as they move into the teen years (nor should you try to), but you can create conditions for healthy relationships. Create stricter limits (tighter curfews and parameters) when the friends they are hanging out with are questionable, and freer permissions when they are with kids who exercise better choices is a fair strategy. It’s probably more important to be generous with the “good” influences than it is to be especially punitive with the questionable influences.

Widen the circle. There are at least two ways to help broaden the positive relationships in your child or teens’ life:

Small Group. Many churches offer Small Groups for kids that provide a consistent group of peers who know each other and are moving in a good direction. The kids in their group may or may not become their best friends, but their influence can be powerful nonetheless.

Another Adult Saying the Same Things You Would Say. In addition to a Small Group Leader, you might consider inviting other adults into your child’s life. A few days ago, I met a woman named Vicki who noticed numerous girls in the 7th grade who needed more than just the influence of a Small Group Leader. So she decided to ask the girls’ parents for permission to hang out with them more regularly. She started attending their games, went out trick-or-treating with them and started tracking with them on Facebook.

The result? They loved her influence so much that when Vicki ended up moving across the country recently for a new job, the kids made her promise she would keep in touch and even do a regular Skype Bible study with them. Now that’s influence.

Two questions to wrap up. First, do you think you could be a Vicki in someone’s life? Seriously. Who do you know who’s looking for guidance?

Second, what would you add to this list? What other healthy ways have you seen to help steer your kids into relationships that nurture them in what matters most?