Kendra Fleming « Orange Parents

Author Archive : Kendra Fleming

Summertime

Friday, June 24th, 2011

I was listening to “Summer Nights” by Rascal Flatts on the radio the other day and thought, every summer seems to be marked by a song. I’m not endorsing the lyrics (or saying that I’m old enough to know all of these songs)– but let’s take a trip down memory lane shall we?

“Surfin Safari, Surfer Girl, California Girls” – Beach Boys
“Summer Nights” – John Travolta & Olivia Newton John
“Suddenly Last Summer” – The Motels
“Summer Breeze” – Seals & Croft
“Summer of ’69″ – Bryan Adams
“The Boys of Summer” – Don Henley
“Summer Love” – Justin Timberlake
“California Girls” – Katy Perry & Snoop Dog
“Sunshine & Summertime” – Faith Hill
“Summertime” – Kenny Chesney

Search “summer songs.” Give a listen. See what happens!

Ahhhh….the memories.

Some of the songs remind me of my parents and their record player.

Some remind me of riding through town in my dads pick-up, windows down, loaded with friends, after graduation.

Some remind me of fun times floating down the river in Montana.

That Bryan Adams song? Let’s not talk about that boyfriend…I mean memory!

Some songs make me think of beach vacations. Others remind me of the 4^th of July.

All memories…of my experiences, my family, and my friends.

My story.

Your kids are creating those memories right now! It’s June! It’s summertime! And one day a song will trigger a memory for them of a time spent with you. Summer is a great time to change up the pace of your family. Create some space. Relax and have fun!

Here are a few things that are on my list every year:

Eat outside. We grill, plug in the twinkly string lights, light a few candles and enjoy the night. Everyone is invited–friends from the pool, neighbors, and family.

Sit on the front porch. I love to read on the front porch. We make sure that the furniture is clean, painted, and the cushions are put out. It’s not unusual for a kid or two to plop down beside me and chat a while.

Make special food. Cooking is a great way to celebrate summer. Last year I got one of those big, old time ice cream makers. Yum! Don’t forget watermelon, lemonade, and garden veggies.

Outdoor games. When my kids were younger, they spent several summers playing capture the flag with the other kids in our cul de sac. All of our yards connect and the dads usually get into the fun too. Our neighbor across the street has a full on wiffle ball tournament complete with trophies every year.

Indoor games. One summer, I played cards with my son almost every night. We were really sick of the game by the end of the summer, but it was fun to keep a running total and keep the competition alive. Last summer, I tried to learn Canasta. Yikes!

Beach Trip. At some point in the summer, we seem to end up at the beach. Now it’s just a tradition. We love the sun, waves, sand, food, and music.

My list could go on and on, but I want to hear about your list! What does your family do to make summer special?

Parent for Life

Monday, May 16th, 2011

For some reason when my kids were little, I used think that I only had them until they turned 18. Like my job would suddenly end. When they were babies and I imagined the end, I imagined them graduating from high school and then I was done parenting.

Boy was I wrong. My two oldest daughters are 19 and 18 years old. One’s a freshman in college and one is about to graduate from high school. It’s true, they no longer need me to wash their clothes, fix them lunch, or drive them around. But they need me.

They might not need me as a caretaker, chauffer, teacher, and coach. But they DO need me as a supporter, encourager, and trusted friend. As my kids get older, I’m learning to be a different kind of parent.

Here’s what I’m learning:

1. They need me to listen, but not necessarily tell them what to do. This is a hard one. Sometimes the answer is so obvious to me. But what they really want is to use me as a sounding board as they figure things out for themselves. Sometimes the best thing I can do is ask questions to keep them talking and thinking.

2. They need me to be encouraging. Leaving home and heading off to college is a fun, scary, exciting, insecure time. Branching out and trying new things feels risky. They will make mistakes. They will struggle. I need to be their greatest cheerleader.

3. They need me to be supportive. My girls are making most of their own decisions. Sometimes they are not the decisions that I would make. But I have to remind myself that they learn from the good and bad of every decision they make. They need to know that I’m on their side. I’m FOR them.

4. They need me to pray for them. This is the time in their life where they are choosing new friends, their jobs, their classes, their church, and where they will live. These are important decisions. I pray every day that God sends the right people into their lives. That He opens doors wide for them. And that he closes them tight when necessary.

I am now realizing that my role as a parent never ends–it only changes. My heart will be forever connected to theirs. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Forgiveness Matters

Thursday, April 28th, 2011

A while ago something painful happened to our family. It hurt. It was a betrayal. It was out of our control and it was someone else’s fault. It left our whole family reeling. The details of what happened are not important, but what is continuing to happen in us as a result is very important.

As we were navigating the days and months ahead, Gary and I had one primary concern and that was for our children. Each of my four children was affected in a different way. I watched them struggle with anger and betrayal. I knew that how they came through this would forever change them.

My heart broke to think that some one’s poor choices could forever damage the hearts of my children. I struggled with this and cried many tears. I prayed that God would protect the hearts of my children and help them come through this without bitterness.

I asked everyone I trusted for advice. I wanted to know how I could help them navigate this painful situation and come out on the other side whole? How should I guide them?

One day I was sitting on the bed of one of my daughters. She was unloading her anger…I could see she was building walls. I knew these walls would be damaging. In that moment I knew the answer.

Forgiveness.

The only possible way to protect the hearts of my children was to guide them towards forgiveness.

Not a quick, I’m sorry.

This would take some time…some work.

This would require an I accept you, I care about you, and I love you in spite of what you’ve done, kind of forgiveness.

It would require an ability to put aside your desire to make someone else pay.

And to open your arms wide and give them a chance they don’t deserve.

And a realization that none of us are perfect.

We all need forgiveness.

It’s the only possible way to walk through pain and be changed for the better.

Forgiveness.

Your children will be treated unfairly. They will be lied to. They will be betrayed. There is no question that someone will hurt your children someday in someway.

The question is how will they survive? Choosing to forgive makes it possible for them to emerge on the other side with a heart that is whole.

If you want to invest in the future emotional health of your children…teach them to forgive.

What Are You Missing?

Thursday, April 14th, 2011

Several years ago my family was going to the beach for spring break. It was a really hectic time at work, conferences were coming, deadlines were looming, and I didn’t feel like I could be gone for a week. So I decided to bring work with me and explain to the kids that I would need to work during our vacation. I would still be with them. This could work.

As you can imagine it didn’t work so well. I was constantly encouraging them to go on without me, or explaining why I couldn’t come to the beach and watch them, or telling them that I would be right back because I was going to head over to Starbucks and work for a little while.

I felt like a terrible parent by the end of the week. I vowed to never try to combine work with my family’s vacation again. I know some people are able to juggle both worlds, but not me.

This past week we went to my husband’s family farm in Virginia. My Montana friends would be insulted that I call this a farm. But there are 3 cows, a hand full of chickens, and mountains, fields, and trees surround you. If you don’t want to see anyone else, you don’t have to. You have no cell service and no Internet connection. It’s the wilderness, I tell you!

It was a great break for our family after a really hectic few weeks. As the days went on, I really took notice of what was happening with my children and my husband as we all slowed down the pace. I was really convicted by how many things we miss in the rushing.

The smile of a baby dressed in her first summer hat.

Taking hours to catch fish, just to throw them back in the pond.

Listening to a grandmother give my teenage daughter advice about boys.

Reading a great book.

Swinging on the limb of a huge tree.

Frosting cupcakes.

Giving a muddy puppy a bath.

Taking a nap.

Sleeping outside in a camper.

Listening to the rain and the thunder.

Roasting marshmallows.

Taking long walks.

Laughing.

Sharing.

Listening.

Caring.

We are all busy for short seasons. It’s unavoidable. But don’t let a week turn into two. Or “a few weeks” turn into…”just until summer.” If you’re not careful, you will spend your life rushing from one thing to the next.

When life gets crazy and you are unwilling to slow it down, ask yourself, what are you missing?

Rushing! Rushing!

Monday, April 11th, 2011

The last few weeks have been crazy at work and crazy at home. Too much going on! When I know that I have a lot to do, I get in this rushing mode.

Rushing the kids out the door in the morning.

Rushing from meeting to meeting.

Rushing to meet writing deadlines.

Rushing home to get my son to piano lessons.

Rushing to make dinner.

Rushing to pick up my daughter from the gym.

Rushing conversations.

Rushed listening.

Running a few minutes late.

Missing so much.

If I’m not careful, a busy week or two can turn into a cycle to see how much I can pack into a day. I somehow pride myself on every minute being scheduled. Perfectly. Like I’m going to get a prize someday for being super organized!

When I find myself in a crazy busy season, here are a few questions that I like to ask myself:

Is this REALLY for a season? Have you ever been in a position where you find yourself asking your family to hang tough with you for one week and then it will all settle down? And then the next week, you hear yourself saying it again, “Just one more week, and it will all settle down.”

Get honest with yourself, and decide if the pace you are running is truly for a short season. If it’s not, you have a harder question to answer. Are you willing to give up what you will lose by running at this rushing pace?

Is there anyone who can help me? I’m lucky enough to live close to my parents. More than once, I’ve asked my family to jump in and help for a week. Can I bring in some extra short-term help at work? I can usually find a college kid or a willing mom to jump in and carry some of the extra load. Ask for help!

When does the rushing end and how will I reconnect to a normal pace? Set a date. Get away from the rushed pace and make a clean break. For me, it’s usually a vacation or a long weekend. Maybe I’ll plan to take a few days off and stay home to get things back to a normal pace. Normal family dinners and normal morning routines–no rushing!

Are you always rushing? What can you do to return to a normal sustainable pace?

Courage is Confusing

Thursday, March 17th, 2011

If you hide your eyes during the scary scene of a movie, are you brave? If you walk away from a smart aleck instead of punching them in the gut, are you standing up? If all the guys want to sneak out and pull the prank of the century, and you stay home, are you a sissy?

Sometimes courage is confused with a false “superhero” type of bravado. It’s the macho man (does anyone say macho anymore?) who has to win the argument. It’s the woman who let’s the world know that they don’t take any junk from anyone. It’s the kid who can’t walk away from a taunt.

We know this isn’t courage, but when you’re a kid, it can be confusing. When do you walk away and when do you stay and fight? What does it look like to stand up for what is right?

You can help your kids live courageously!

Talk about courage when you see it.

When you see courage in action, stop and admire it. The best way for your child to understand what it looks like to stand up for what is right is to show them. Don’t let this lesson go by unnoticed. Highlight the everyday courageous actions of the real life heroes that are all around us.

Teach them to pause before they react.

In reality, there is no Green Goblin about to destroy the world if we don’t react immediately. Teach your kids to stop, take a deep breath, evaluate the circumstances, and then react. When you slow things down, it gives you time to see what’s right. It creates an opportunity for you to stand strong.

Care for people first.

It is always the right thing to care for and value people. When your child is guided by a basic sense of compassion for others, the courageous action often becomes clear.

Remind them that they are not alone.

Sometimes when you stand up for what is right, you find yourself standing alone. Let your child know, that you admire them for standing strong. Remind them that you are always on their side. They may feel alone, but in truth, they can borrow a little courage from you if they need to.

Courageous men and women who stood up for what they believed in have shaped our world. They spoke for people who had no voice. They fought for the rights of those who were taken advantage of. They rescued those who had no hope.

We are raising the next generation of heroes.

Let’s show them what courage looks like.

Parenting Takes Courage

Tuesday, March 15th, 2011

Confession: I lay awake at night and worry about my kids. It’s true. I know that worry is a waste of time. I know that worry shows a lack of faith. But sometimes…I worry.

I have a child about to graduate from high school and is still undecided about where she wants to go to college. I worry. What if she chooses a college that is out of state and I don’t get to see her every weekend? Or what if she doesn’t make friends? Or worse, what if her new friends aren’t good for her? College campuses are dangerous! You see? I worry!

I could make a similar list for each of my kids. What if they fall and break their arm? What if they don’t pass that test? What if they are hurt? Mistreated? Taken advantage of?

There’s a part of me that would like to create this safe, protected, and controlled environment for my kids…to put locks on all of the doors and keep the bad out. I know this wouldn’t be best for them, but it sure is a tempting thought.

Worry won’t get you very far.

It takes courage to be a good parent.

Next time you need a little courage, try this:

Seek a new perspective.

There are worries in every stage of life. The first time you leave your baby with a sitter is scary. But there are parents who are further down the road than you are. They’ve been there. They’ve seen how things turn out. They can give you a new point of view. Ask them.

Allow children to learn from their mistakes.

Would I let my child touch a hot stove? No Way! Did my kids scrape their knees when learning to ride their bike? Absolutely. The great things in life come with some risk. There are lessons that your child needs to learn by overcoming obstacles. And when we don’t allow them to face the tough stuff, we cripple them.

Acknowledge that you are not in control.

This is a tough one for me. Sometimes I would like to be in control. After all, my way is obviously the best way! But I can’t keep all drunk drivers off the road. I can’t stop sickness. I can’t build a fence high enough to protect them. I am not able to control every circumstance.

It takes courage to be a good parent. Sometimes I need the advice of those who’ve been there. Sometimes I need to help my child learn all that they can from the worrisome circumstances. And sometimes, I just need to remember to give my fears to one who holds the whole world in His hands.

We are honored to have Kendra Fleming, a dear friend, guest post on our blog. Kendra is the Director of Children’s Ministry at North Point Community Church in Alpharetta, GA. She lives in Cumming, GA with her husband Gary and their four children, Jessica (19), Catherine(18), Jack(15), and Emily(13).

Just You and Me

Wednesday, February 16th, 2011

Carving out consistent one-on-one time with your kids is one of the best ways to stay in your child’s life. Your child wants a unique connection to you. They want to feel uniquely understood and valued. One-on-one time creates space for this to happen.

Now, if you knew me, you’d know that I’m by nature a planner. And it’s true that twice a year I set aside time to evaluate my family calendar. I try to plan some of these one-on-one times with my kids. But the truth is, that kids are more spontaneous than planned. They are less likely to fit perfectly on your calendar. The secret is creating space so that you are available when opportunities arise AND being aware of the opportunities that you already have.

Here are a few ways that I’ve carved out one-on-one time with my kids:

1. Look at your everyday routines.
My youngest daughter likes to cook. Many times she asks to help when I’m making dinner or baking something. This has the potential to be a rushed, hectic time in our home. But if I look at this as time with her, I slow it down and we have fun.

2. Capitalize on your time in the car.
Gary and I have both taken different kids with us when we had short trips away. There’s something about long drives to bring out the most interesting discussions with your kids.

Driving them to piano practice, sleep-overs, and orthodontist appointments are a few other great “listening” times.

3. Get involved in their activities.
One of my girls swims on a swim team. This involves early morning practices and long hours sitting at a swim meets. But it also gives us good talking time. We sit in lawn chairs, and bake in the sun, and hang out. I love it!

4. Plan a special trip.
On a special birthday or holiday, take your child on a campout or a trip to a fun city. Focused time together away from the normal routine allows you to create great memories and gives you great uninterrupted time together.

5. Take them out to eat.
Everyone has to eat, and it’s especially appealing when you’re buying!

6. Go school shopping with them.
Instead of taking everyone on an exhausting trip to the mall, spread it out. Take each child alone. Go to lunch. Have fun together!

7. Be willing to put down what you’re doing.
At least one night a week, one of my kids jumps on my bed and starts talking. Sometimes I’m right in the middle of my favorite TV show or reading a book. Sometimes I might even be working. Make it your rule that when you’re home, you’re willing to put down what you’re doing to connect on their time.

8. Plan things that only the two of you do together.
There was a time when one of my girls always went with me when I washed the car. There was another season where one of them always went with me to shop for groceries on Sunday night. Even routine things can be a great way to connect.

So how about you? What do you do to carve out one-on-one time with your kids?

Are You Available?

Monday, February 14th, 2011

I tend to completely over estimate what I can get done. Some people call me a high capacity person, but honestly, I just have a hard time saying “no”.

It’s a weakness that I have to pay attention to. It’s a weakness that steals time away from my family.

In my home are four of the best teenagers you will ever meet. They are perfect in every way…well to me they are. I’m their mom. They are unique, and smart. They are dreaming of their future, and worried about passing biology. One is learning to drive and one is trying to get her SAT score up. There is SO MUCH going on in their lives right now!

In the early stages of their life, I was their world. We hung out every day. I made them breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Quality and quantity time were both happening and readily available. Now? Not so much.

At this stage in their life, I want to be a part of what they’re doing. I want to know. I want to help. I want to guide. I want to cheer them on.

Sometimes they want me there. Sometimes they don’t. The secret is being available.

One thing I learned as a young mother is that my children want me to see them as individuals. They want time to share their dreams and to complain that life’s not fair. They want to tell me about that teacher who didn’t cover anything that was on the test. They want to talk about a friend that’s going through a hard time.

They want to talk. Sometimes they want to hang out. Many times they want me to buy them something. Ha!

Mostly they want to feel like I know them.

Like I really see them.

Like they are heard.

Understood.

Valued.

I try to make one-on-one time a priority with my kids. Because of my natural drive to say “yes” to other things too often, I have to plan ahead and put this time on my calendar FIRST. I also have to regularly look back and re-evaluate my priorities. I don’t want to get off track! And when I do, I want to correct it quickly.

I wish I could tell you that I look back and see a perfectly orchestrated plan. But if you have kids, you know that there are no perfect plans. But when I look back, I do see some great discussions, some good food, quite a few sweet memories, laughter, and a lot of shopping!

I’ll take it.