Reggie Joiner « Orange Parents

Author Archive : Reggie Joiner

Forget About It

Wednesday, February 1st, 2012

This month’s issue of Scientific American Mind is about your memory and learning how to erase distractions. It challenges the idea that the brain is simply a “passive storage unit.” The editors suggest that your mind “behaves like a seamstress who sews concepts from threads of vital information while snipping away extraneous material.”

According to the special report, “the best memory is not the one that holds the most data, but the one that can deftly distinguish between the pieces to keep and those to discard.” The brain is evidently intricately designed to prioritize information. Without that ability our memories would be overloaded with so much negative, superfluous and competing content that we would ultimately shutdown or go insane.

The brain is amazing. What you can learn to forget or remember definitely helps you survive. It’s the reason why—

You forget the details of walking in on your parents when they were. . .
A baby doesn’t remember getting circumcised.
A wife is willing to give birth to another child.
Someone can love again after they have been deeply hurt.
People can start over after a natural disaster.
No one really remembers a politician’s promises.

I’m thankful for my brain’s ability to filter through so much irrelevant and negative information. The mind’s skill to prioritize may be more critical than we realize.

How to stay focused on what is most important may be the most important thing you ever teach your kids. Life is really about sorting through and organizing countless experiences, relationships, and even extraneous material so that whatever is most critical is never forgotten. There are a number of ways we communicate what’s important to our kids.

The questions we ask.
What we do with our time.
The stories we tell.

I wonder sometimes what my kid’s brains will remember as the important stuff. I had a discussion with my parents a few nights ago at dinner about things I remember growing up and the things I don’t. It’s interesting how some of the things they reminded me of I had completely forgotten. I could make a list right now to entertain you, but I suspect your brain would discard it pretty quickly. So, I will just give you one memory that I have never forgotten.

When I was eight, I heard my dad stand in front of group of people and explain how he became a Christian. It is a very vivid and clear memory even though it happened over 40 years ago. For whatever reason, my brain logged it as critical data and it was permanently stamped into my memory. Since then, millions of pieces of information have been discarded, but not that one.

A friend of mine, Dr. Kara Powell, wrote a book called Sticky Faith. Over the past few years, her team has done countless interviews with teenagers. One of her leaders recently asked a group of teenagers individually if their parents had ever told them the story of how they became a Christian. They were surprised that not one teenager knew how or when their parents had started pursuing a relationship with God.

I happen to believe the spiritual dimension of a child’s life is important. And although a lot of us are not sure how to talk about spiritual issues with our children, one simple way would just be to tell the story of how your faith started. I personally think it will be something your children will always remember.

With all of the stuff they will hear while they are living in your house, that one piece of information will probably stick in their brain. It did in mine. It’s just a thought. What if you act on it, before you forget it?

Please Take Self-Control Seriously

Monday, January 2nd, 2012

There’s a strange-sounding passage written by an ancient writer thousands of years ago that says, “Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self control.”

The principle is sobering. If we are not careful, our homes can become like broken down cities that are vulnerable to a variety of dangerous elements that threaten the physical safety of those who live there. There are two things about self-control that are important for parents to remember:

1. The lack of self-control sets up your children for a shaky future.

Experts link the lack of self control to addiction, bad health, debt, procastination, eating disorders, and more. Duke University researches did a study following 1,000 children for 30 years, examining the effect of early self-control on health, wealth and public safety. The study implied that those with lower self-control experienced negative outcomes in all three areas, with greater rates of health issues like sexually transmitted infections, substance dependence, financial problems, and crime.

These results show that self-control can have a deep influence on a wide range of activities. In other words, the lack of self-control breaks down walls of protection and exposes you to things that can destroy your future.

2. Self-control can actually be learned.

One of the myths parents buy into is that you can’t teach self-control because it’s a part of how a child’s personality is wired. Most counselors agree that anyone can learn self-control. It’s not easy…it has to be intentionally and continually developed. But just like you would use your skill to build a wall back in places that are broken, you can build more self-control into your home.

You can affect how your kids learn self control when you

implement the right structure and schedule.
pursue moderation in how you eat, play video games, watch TV, use your computer.
establish a system for homework and chores.
instill healthy financial habits of giving and saving.
create values in how you speak to each other and express frustrations.

Experts tend to agree that developing self-control is as much of a physical discipline as it is mental gymnastics. The problem is that it means we have to first be willing to make it personal. We have to confront areas in our lives where we lack self-control so we can be a better model to our kids.

This is where it hits home: it is easier to ignore the issue of self-control than it is to do something about it. This month, look for ways to build self-control into your own life and the lives of your children. You wouldn’t neglect fallen walls in your house or a damaged roof…be at least as attentive to the habits that are going to determine your kids’ futures.

The Five Senses of Christmas

Monday, December 19th, 2011

Christmas appeals to my five senses.

Think about it.

All you have to do is…

Play a few melodies of Bing Crosby.
Burn a candle that smells like evergreen.
String some multi-colored lights on any object in your yard.
Add a little peppermint to your Starbucks.
Cut some paper and arrange a silk bow on a box.
Bake a gingerbread cookie in the shape of a snowman.

…and suddenly everyone knows it’s Christmas.

Somewhere along the way, Christmas has become a very powerful brand. And I’m just fine buying it. I actually like the idea that everything around me says it’s Christmas. (I’d also agree Christmas has been too commercialized, but that’s another issue for another bah humblog.) For the moment, I would like to simply point out that there is something wonderful about the way this season tastes, looks, sounds, feels, and smells.

I find myself humming songs I would hate any other time of the year, wanting to eat more than I normally would, and gazing with amazement at the creativity of the decorations in my neighbor’s yard. The transformation of my surroundings into a magical winter experience gives me a temporary escape from my normal existence.

With everything else it brings, this season also gives me a sense of optimism and hope. Yes, of course I believe the most important thing about Christmas is the story of the birth of our Savior who came to redeem the world. But I also believe, either on purpose or by accident, that many unexpected elements of our culture have captured the essence of what Christmas is really about.

Giving
Festivity
Compassion
Hope
Celebration
Forgiveness
Joy

From Dickens’ classic The Christmas Carol to Schulz’s A Charlie Brown Christmas, the story of Christmas shows up over and over again in thousands of different songs, movies, lights, decorations, presents, and even recipes. For all the negative things you can say about the commercialization of Christmas, I still love most of what our society has done to celebrate this message.

This is THE one time of the year that …

Many who are broken will try to start over
Families who are separated strive to reconnect
Everyone thinks harder about those who are hurting
The entire planet is reminded that God showed up to save the world.

I am not sure who or when it was decided what Christmas would look, sound, taste, feel or smell like. But I know for sure when I wake up and step into the world tomorrow it will be Christmas everywhere I go. And the story of Christmas will be everywhere too.

Christmas forces us to pause for a few days and confront the most compelling epic of restoration and redemption. So instead of becoming a cynic, skeptic, or scrooge because someone has effectively branded the season, invite your family to breathe in the essence of Christmas. Engage all of your senses and experience the magic of the greatest story ever told.

Never Parent Alone

Monday, November 28th, 2011

Here’s a simple question to start thinking about, “Who are the other adults in your kids’ lives?” Personally, I think one of the biggest mistakes a parent can make is to try to parent alone.

You should reject any notion that you are the only adult influence your kids will ever need. Reality suggests that, as your children grow up, they will look for approval and affirmation from someone other than you as a parent. So, the choice is simple. Either you are strategic about who else you will invite into their life, or they will pursue relationships with other adults on their own. But it will happen. It’s normal and natural for kids to desire a degree of attention from other adults or parents.

It is also important to realize that most research indicates that kids who have other significant adults investing in their life during their teenage years are better prepared emotionally and spiritually.

So, what will you do? You can resist, cooperate or compliment your children’s transition toward adulthood. Think about it, if your goal is to raise an adult who is independent of you, then you should start now. If you don’t like the idea of your children becoming independent from you then you may be parenting with a wrong motive.

But if you hope to unleash your kids to discover their potential, then open doors for your kids to connect to other adults. Why don’t you start by making a list of potential adults that could build a short-term or long-term relationship with your children.

Parenting with this in mind can make the difference in whether or not you limit the growth of your children, personally, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. Here are some categories to help you start thinking.

• ADULTS WHO SHARE INTERESTS
Find someone who specializes in something your kids are already interested in doing. (Look for a friend who shares their interest in art, guitar, carpentry, birds, baseball, etc.)

Don’t limit their experiences to what you enjoy.

• ADULTS WITH SPECIFIC SKILLS
Find someone who can help them develop a critical skill for adulthood. Look for a friend who is good at managing money, health and fitness, cooking, etc.

Don’t limit their skill to what you are good at doing.

• ADULTS WHO ARE EDUCATORS
You would be surprised at how many of your friends were teachers or are presently teachers. Who can you invite into your kids’ lives to help them in their education? Look for friends who can inspire and temporarily tutor them in math, science, history, etc.

Don’t limit their learning to what you know.

• ADULTS WHO BUILD FAITH
Find mentors or coaches who can help them grow spiritually. This is where a good church is important. Look for a church that strives to put consistent leaders in the lives of your kids. Attending church consistently allows your children to bond with other adults who will help shape their faith.

Don’t limit their faith to what you have discovered about God.

• ADULTS WITH INTERESTING CAREERS
Other adults can broaden their imagination about the kind of career they can have one day. Look for any opportunity that can expose them to understanding what people who may be wired like them do as a profession.

Don’t limit their concept of work to what you do.

• ADULTS FROM DIFFERENT BACKGROUNDS
Spending time with other adults who are from a different ethnic background can also play a critical role in how your kids treat and respect others. A significant part of their adult life will be interacting and working with people who are different than they are.

Don’t limit their view of the world to what you see.

• ADULTS WHO ARE EXTENDED FAMILY
Something interesting happens to a child’s understanding of their family story when they hear your parents or siblings talk about you. It has a way of connecting them to a bigger family dynamic. It is always valuable to recruit key adults in your extended family to build relationships with your kids. They can usually be trusted to definitely have your children’s best interests at stake. Who are the adults in your extended family that can give your kids a sense of who they are and where they came from?

Don’t limit the connection to their family’s story to what you tell them.

Some of these leaders can be enlisted to help your kids with a specific task or on a short-term basis. Others can and will have long-term influence. Just remember the greatest thing that you do for you child may be what you get another adult to do.

Losing Your Marbles

Tuesday, November 15th, 2011

I got a message from a friend named David Wills a few months ago. It was about losing his marbles. He sent it to remind me about something that happened several years ago at our church. We handed out jars of marbles to every family. There was one for each child in the home. There were enough marbles in each jar to represent the number of weekends children had left at home before they headed to college. For example there were jars with approximately–

468 marbles for 4^th graders
364 marbles for 6^th graders
208 marbles for 9^th graders
104 marbles for 11^th graders

Some parents used calendars to calculate the exact number of weekends for each individual child. They kept the jar in a visible place in their home and removed a marble each passing week to illustrate how much time they had left with their kids. It was a sobering visual reminder of how fast time goes.

David sent his post about marbles because he had literally used his last one. He dropped his son off at college that weekend and drove home. Looking back, he was shocked that he had lost his marbles so quickly. As a young parent looking forward, it’s easy to take for granted how little time you will actually have to spend with your kids. That’s why the marble visual is so powerful. It’s a practical way to illustrate Psalms 90:2 which says, “Teach us to number our days, that we may get a heart of wisdom.”

What if you decided to apply this principle to parenting? Go ahead and estimate how many days or weekends you potentially have with your kids. Establish a tangible reminder that you and your family can look at everyday. It could help you become a wiser parent. Why? Because knowing the number of days your kids have left at home can make you more intentional as a parent.

You will tend to be more intentional about–

Leaving work early
Watching your kid’s games
How you spend Saturdays
Driving them to school
Helping them with their homework
Going to church as a family
Tucking them into bed
Eating meals together

When you remember the days with your kids are numbered, you will tend to make a better plan for your day.

Why don’t you number the days you have with each of your children? See how it affects the way you parent.

Dangers of an Ungrateful Life

Tuesday, November 8th, 2011

I personally think it’s important to be intentional about showing gratitude every day. We all look forward to our annual celebrations each year to celebrate the big and little things that have happened in our life. But if we live our lives without looking for ways to demonstrate gratitude more consistently than at an annual meal, we could ultimately set our family and our kids up for a dangerous future. I know that may sound a little extreme, but think about it. When you don’t practice gratitude—

You develop an unhealthy ego.

A healthy ego is important. You want your kids to grow up with the confidence to pursue and accomplish goals. You want your children to believe in themselves. But that’s different from raising them to believe they are better than everyone around them. It is dangerous for kids to grow up and believe they really don’t need anyone else. When you develop the habit of expressing GRATITUDE, you build a constant reminder into your life of how others have contributed to your success.

You invite the wrong kind of friends.

The best way to burn through good friendships fast is to never show gratitude. Smart friends are not going to stay in relationships with people who just use or drain them. So you can expect the right kind of friends to avoid ungrateful people. At the same time, those who are ungrateful will tend to attract friends who are the same. So if, “the quality of your friends will determine the direction of your life,” ungrateful people will tend to go down a slippery path.

You fuel an attitude of entitlement.

If you want your kid to grow up and believe “the world owes me,” then let his or her ungrateful attitude go unchecked. Gratitude focuses on the idea that I should appreciate the role others play in my success. It implies that when someone does something for me that I recognize the value they add to my life. Entitlement implies that others do what they do for me because they recognize my importance. Without a habit of gratitude you convince yourself that the rest of the world should help you because you deserve it.

You breed discontentment.

We all tend to drift toward an “it’s never enough” attitude because of our focus on what we want. Discontentment is how our problem started. Think about it. Two people who lived in paradise and had everything became obsessed with the one thing they didn’t have. As a result they lost everything. Discontentment is a dangerous thing. Whenever you show gratitude, you are simply readjusting your focus. Gratitude is simply turning your attention from what you don’t have to what you do have. If you want your children to become content adults, then help them understand why they should be grateful.

You nurture a critical spirit.

Did you ever stop to think that practicing a positive virtue actually helps you overcome a negative attitude. If you have a tendency to be jealous, learn to praise and celebrate what others accomplish. If you have a tendency to be indifferent toward others, then do a few random acts of kindness. If you have a problem with being critical or negative, then become intentional about showing gratitude.

So, it’s simple. If you want to raise

egotistical,

lonely,

entitled,

discontented,

and negative kids,

then don’t practice gratitude in your house.

How to Drive Your Kids Away

Friday, October 21st, 2011

If your goal is to push your kids away as soon as possible, then I have a few tips for you. These are guaranteed not only to drive your kids away from your home, but to keep them away for a significant period of time.

1. Try to be their best friend

Master the art of smothering them. Why would they need anyone else in life besides you? You should be there to meet their every need. Oh, and it’s okay to expect them to meet your needs as well. If that doesn’t work, you can always try to be best friends with their best friends.

2. Manipulate their emotions

Guilt works. It worked on you when your parents used it, right? So you should definitely pass it on to your children. The goal is to make them feel so bad they will start being good. This works especially well if you want them to appreciate you more as a parent. Use phrases like, “You know I won’t always be here,” or “I can’t believe you would do something like that to me.” Maybe one day this will help them build a healthy relationship with their own children.

3. Compare them to whoever you want them to become

Everyone needs a tangible example they can use as a yardstick to measure themselves. How else will they know the specific attributes you want them to develop? Make sure you point it out in someone else, especially someone they see everyday like a sister or a brother.

4. Create more drama than they do

If they pitch a fit, pitch a bigger one. You are the adult. Don’t let them out-argue, out-debate, or out reason you. By the way, your body language can really help you make your point. Freely expressing your anger and frustration only implies that you are a very passionate and caring parent. And always remember, the louder you speak the more you will be heard.

5. Live your dreams through them

Push them to do what you wanted to do but never did. This could be your chance to prove to everyone what you could have done. It doesn’t really matter if it is something they don’t want to do. They can learn to be passionate about something that matters to you. Besides, you just want what’s best for them.

6. Nag them until they do it your way

If you don’t remind them of their imperfections and weaknesses, they may never improve. You don’t want them to settle for mediocrity. They need a consistent voice in their ear challenging them to get it right. It’s your job to conform them to the image of the future that you have pictured for them.

7. Fight a lot with your spouse

Your kids should see you stand up for your rights as often as possible. If you don’t want them to grow up and be a wimp in their marriage, then make sure you are quick to put your spouse in his or her place. If you want respect from your kids, you should probably demand it from your partner.

Any ideas? I’m sure you can think of more creative ways to get your kids to run for the door.

The Road Back Home

Tuesday, October 18th, 2011

Photo by Reggie Joiner

I love the road. There is something about it that clears my head, awakens my senses, and gives me some distance from the drama of life. All roads have something in common–they either take you closer to home or farther away. I don’t think I really thought about that until I started living with a GPS. Now I go everywhere with a visual reminder of where I am in relationship to home. I love the fact that I can take any back road that interests me, get off the path to discover new places, and all I have to do is hit a button that says “home” to take me back. Sometimes when I think about that button on the GPS, I wonder about the people who either won’t or can’t press the home button. I meet them often when I travel. I’m not always sure why they can’t go back.

Maybe it’s too painful or messy.

Maybe they are convinced no one wants them.

Or maybe they don’t actually have a place to call home.

Our concept of home is a powerful force. It either invites us back from the roads we take to refuel us, or it can drive us farther away to find escape. There is a classic story of a son who left his dad to “get away” so he could discover a new life. He left home to get rich, gain popularity, and have fun. Interestingly enough, since he had never taken a Dave Ramsey money management course, he wasted what money he had, lost all of his friends and ended up homeless. The turning point of the story happened when he remembered something about home. It was the memory of his relationship with his dad that compelled him to take the road home and start over. He simply concluded that he could go home, admit his failure, and his dad would forgive him.

The classic reunion of the prodigal son with his father teaches a powerful principle about the road home. Not only did the father forgive his son, but he threw him a party. I think the son was able to hit the home button, because he knew what to expect at home. Whenever you create a home that’s characterized by joy and forgiveness you give your kids a reason to know that whatever happens, wherever they go, they can always come home. It’s one thing to start over with people you don’t know and give life a shot. But the best way to experience unconditional love in life is to learn how to start over with people who have history with you.

Don’t forget that as a parent you are making a lasting impression on how your kids view home. How do you want your kids to feel when they think about home?

The Imagination Difference

Tuesday, October 4th, 2011

Imagination makes us different. But what makes imagination different?

When I think about what makes us as people different from every other creature, I know that it has everything to do with our ability to imagine. Imagination literally lets us see things that aren’t as though they were. It allows us us to experience a dimension of life that is different than what a dog, tree or whale could experience.

It’s because of my imagination that I know God exists, not because I imagined him to exist, but because he created me with an ability to imagine. And God’s imagination is more than mere musings in His infinite mind.

We like to tell our kids that they’re special or unique. That’s true, of course. Every child and teen has a specific contribution for our world. But more importantly, every child and teen has the potential to be someone that only God can imagine.

Rather than rely on what we can do or be on our own, God’s image-ination in us means that we’re already part of His story of redemption and restoration. When kids grow up to have faith in God’s ability to work in and through their lives, their sense of creativity goes to a whole new level.

That’s why we we are talking about the idea of CREATIVITY this month. Because we believe that it’s important to tap into a child’s imagination and fuel their creative side. Not simply because we want to unleash a child’s potential to do unique things, but because we want every child to grow up and put faith in what God can do through them.

Throughout a child’s life, we have the opportunity to say again and again:

“You have amazing potential to create because you were created in the image of an amazing Creator.”

Once kids realize they have a place in God’s really big story, they can begin to fill the gap between “imagination” and “creativity.” Without action, imagination can dawdle into daydreaming. But when you add action to that imagination, it becomes the kind of creativity that can change the world.

Creativity, then, is “using your imagination to do something unique.”

The Bible gives kids (and us) a good reminder of how God viewed us when He created us: “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which He prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10, NIV). Here’s another translation: “For we are God’s masterpiece…” (NLT).

What if God had imagined you, and imagined the good you’d do, but never put that imagination into action? What if He thought about and considered and planned the masterpiece He could make of you, but never put brush to canvas? That’s the difference between imagination and creativity, and that’s the difference between who we can be on our own, and who we can be in God’s story.

What are some ways you can fuel creativity in your children? How can you help them think about their gift of creativity in a way that will help them make their mark in this world?

Wooden Nickels Increase in Value

Monday, September 12th, 2011

Did you know the value of wooden nickels is going up? It actually hasn’t happened yet everywhere. But it could happen any day now. So I’m giving you a heads up in case you want to invest in some wooden nickels while there is still time. I would pay at least $20 each, maybe even more. I’m sure this seems a little odd, but I discovered a secret about wooden nickels yesterday.

I was traveling around Memphis trying to find a BBQ place where I used to eat as a kid in the 70s. That’s when it happened. Out of nowhere, I remembered the wooden nickels they would give out when we would pick up our meal. It’s hard to explain, but I suddenly became obsessed with finding the same restaurant that gave me wooden nickels. Then I went on a quest to find one of the rare wooden coins. I drove to an antique mall outside of town, asked my parents, googled relentlessly, and even called friends I hadn’t talked to in years. Finally a 70-year-old father of a friend told me he thought he remembered a BBQ fast food place giving out wooden nickels over 30 years ago. That was all the confirmation I needed to continue on my mission.

Those wooden nickels have definitely gone up in value, at least for me. (Not just any wooden nickels by the way, but wooden nickels from BBQ places in Memphis.) I’m sure this probably seems like a strange quest, but these nickels were pretty important to me as a kid. Evidently they weren’t as significant to my parents, because they have no recollection of the wooden nickels whatsoever. In their world of trying to raise and provide for a family, a wooden nickel wasn’t worth much. It couldn’t pay for the groceries, the mortgage or help them save for a college education. So it wasn’t as meaningful to them as it was to me when they handed me a simple token that came with my BBQ sandwich.

Isn’t that how it is sometimes? What doesn’t seem very important to us as adults, can potentially be huge to our children. And now that I am an older parent with aging parents, I can’t stop thinking about wooden nickels. They represent all those countless times when my parents did something in their ordinary routine of parenting and didn’t realize how valuable it was. They have given me a lot of wooden nickels over their lifetime. During my teens and twenties, I’m not sure I recognized how valuable those deposits were. But somewhere in my thirties and forties, I started realizing how much those wooden nickels were really worth.

Maybe my new interest in old wooden coins is connected to the fact that my mom discovered she has lung cancer a couple of weeks ago. The prognosis looks good and surgery is this Wednesday. But I keep thinking every day about her investments in my life for so many years. Wooden nickels may not get you the same return as gold in this economy, but as a parent don’t underestimate the potential they can have in your kid’s life over the long haul.

Just remember whenever you

go for a bike ride,
cook a favorite meal,
host a party,
go fishing,
play cards,
throw a ball,
write a note,
take a walk,
sing a song,
watch them play,
tell a story,
laugh together,
tuck them in,
see a movie,
go to church,
or take a trip

you are handing your kids wooden nickels that one day may be worth more to them than you could possibly imagine.