There was a season when I thought it was getting the kids to sleep through the night. My wife Toni and I were so sleep deprived at one point I think we both actually thought we might be capable of murdering someone (mostly each other, because neither wanted to get up). At other points we thought it was getting the kids to eat their vegetables or stop biting strangers. At other times we’ve worried about spiritual outcomes. Sometimes it’s been the tension that parenting brought to our relationship – to the dynamic between the two of us.
All of this seems a bit strange, because our kids weren’t terribly high maintenance. They were great (a lot of the time I was the high maintenance family member).
But after doing this for just over eighteen years, I would have to say the biggest challenge is simply this: I’ve never done this before. I wish I had a plan from the start. And despite incredible advice, I really had no strategy. Even experience doesn’t teach you everything. As anyone who has had more than one child knows, no two behave the same way. The tactics that worked with child one can sometimes produce the opposite result in child two.
Every day feels like a surprise to some extent.
Do you feel the same way? If you had to say what the biggest surprise for you as a parent has been, what would you say? (We’d love to hear).
Starting next post, we’ll begin to share some of the principles we’ve discovered as parents that have helped us navigate the unknown and deal with the constant surprise of parenting. And as you share yours, we’ll start a dialogue that will help us all grow as parents and people.
Biggest challenge:knowing and understanding the emotions of my teens when they get up in the morning and how to approach the day. How do I teach them life skills through the emotional roller coaster? Will they see Christ in me?
I’d say the biggest surprise is seeing my capacity for frustration. I’m amazed (and a bit appalled) by how quickly I can get frustrated over the little things. This mostly happens when I’m just reacting to situations. I shouldn’t be surprised when a 4 and 2 year old make a mess, fight, get into things they’re not supposed to, etc.. But instead of anticipating these things and having a strategy for how to deal with them, I find myself reacting and thus getting overly frustrated. This is something God is working on in me, and my hope is that it ends up translating into the overall way we raise our kids; that we can approach parenting strategically, anticipating challenges (with God’s help) and celebrating successes. At least that’s the plan. We’ll see how it goes
By the way, I’m really excited about this orange parents blog. Thanks for the work you guys have put into making this happen. I’m looking forward to connecting with you all more over the coming season. Blessings to you, and I hope you’re having fun at the Orange conference! *shed tear for not being there*
That there is not a license/testing required to become a parent.
In my eight year journey as a parent I would say my hardest challenge as a parent is never feeling like there is enough time to do everything I want to do. As a parent it is important to take care of myself physically and spiritually, to provide for my family, to spend fun time with my child, to spend intentional time with my child, to do our daily God time, to facilitate him participating in good opportunities, etc.
After 23 years of parenting I find that it is much harder to stay connected to my children as they are becoming independant. I have to be very intentional in my actions to let them know that I am still invested in their lives. This is much harder then when I was with them every day and had more opportunities. I find each moment with them now is very precious and I need to be good listener so that they will include me in their world.
I am surprised at how much our kids are like us… We just need to remember how we were at their comparable ages and what we had to deal with and try to step into their world. An unwise choice leads to certain paths. I see that choices I made way back in 5th and 6th grade set me on a path that ended up in a crisis pregnancy when I was 16. Keeping the end in mind means speaking truth into situations when their young, anticipating their future and gearing them up for a biblical worldview to make the wise choice. “Uncommon sense.” Surprising, but so worth it!
One of my many challenges is not bringing my frustration from church home to my family. It is quite ironic that in an effort to help my church become more focused on the family that I can become more focused on the church. I have caught myself a few times bringing the frustration of people not seeing how important the family is home with me and ultimately not shown my wife and kids how important my family is to me.
My biggest surprise as a parent came the day I realized….when I think my kids are absolutely not listening is generally when they are most acutely hearing my words and viewing my actions. It is amazing how much our children pick up on. I stopped taking that for granted awhile ago. Kids are smart and they are quick. Especially, high potential learning children. I am finding that dealing with a 9 year old who thinks she’s 39 is a lot harder than dealing with a 6 year old who is a less mature 6.
Right now we are in the preschool-early elementary years, and my biggest struggle is feeling like I never get a day to veg out and relax. I am the children’s minister at my church (30 hours a week). And, between my position-which I really love & is amazingly flexible- the kids schedules & keeping up around the house…I feel I work 7 days a week. I remember my single days and how I had time to just disconnect when things got too hectic. I don’t miss being single, but wouldn’t mind a “disconnect” day every now and then.
Katrina,
So true! As a matter of fact….your biggest struggle is a repeated topic during girl time in my church small group ladies time. It’s hard to find a balance. One thing is for sure. If you don’t find time to recharge….you are going to burn out, and that’s not good for anyone. Sometimes when we take it from the perspective of how many people will be affected by our burn out, we begin to realize the requirement of carving out time. You have to have fuel in the tank to burn…..know what I mean? Think of some things that you like to do to recharge and then discuss with your husband how you can adjust your family to include one or two. Bathroom time doesn’t count!
We have 3 kids. Ages 3.5, 2.5 and 4 months. They came at us very fast! And I would have to say, hands down the most suprising thing about being a parent for myself has been how much and how often my kids have taught me about me! Daily, I find myself looking more at who I am and does that line up with what God wants me to be. My husband and I have always joked that it’s like having 3 little mirrors running around us. Authentic parenting is what we are trying to strive for and it’s amazing that little ears and eyes pick up on when perhaps we aren’t exactly being true to that goal.
So true Danielle!
Big Picture- Something of great concern to me is Godly character. How do I set boundaries with technology, media, activities, schedule, relationships, etc. that help to build and protect Godly character in my children while encouraging them to be creative, relevant, and passionate about sharing their faith.
Katrina- Balancing life, keeping a day to day schedule according to priorities agreed upon with my spouse and inspired by God,this is a challenge.
Day to Day- Focusing on the positive outcome more so than the behavior that is hurtful is a big challenge of mine. Another big challenge, connecting with three children who are very different in a way that shows them they are priceless! It is a challenge to relate to my spouse in a way that builds him and my children up when I feel like I need to address conflict.
It is great to hear the insight of those of you who have children who are teens or older, it helps me to look at the horizon and know I have to be intentional about my strategy and prepare for what’s ahead.
Parenting: It is always a work in progress and such a gift!
Biggest challenge? Not blowing everyday by not letting God show up! I was at an Orange Conference in Dallas and heard it said, “At the end of the day it doesn’t matter if it was perfect, as long as God was allowed to show up.” That hit my heart so hard. So many time at the end of the day all the guilt of everything I may have said and done wrong comes back to me…and so many times, more than I would like to admit, God was not allowed to show up. I keep getting in the way. I have a very strong-minded 12yr. old daughter that knows how to push my buttons, and apparently I get caught up in the moment and forget all I have learned. Everyday is such a battle. How can I be an effective orange parent when I am battle weary?
Biggest Challenge?
depending on the day it might be Monday or Tuesday or so on and so on.
Having four little ones under 7 every day is a challenge.
what my biggest challenge is to show each one how much they mean to me and show them that with love and affection.
Not to Sweat the small stuff, the dishes will still be there in the morning and the kids will always find something to clean to wear so don’t sweat it.
Finding time for me or us (my wife) is tough and a challenge.
Letting my wife know how much I appreciate her being a stay at home mother so the kids will always have someone home that they can talk and share there live with is very important to me.
I’ve got 4 children ages 3, 7, 12, and 15. As you can see, I deal with a large variety of issues such as being sure there is enough equal time for all of them, making sure they all feel loved the same, trying to be sure they stay respectful towards God, us, others and of course, themselves, and trying to help keep them on track to fulfil God’s purpose for thier lives. There are so many other things. However, my greatest challenge is dealing with the famous, “Why can’t I do it when so and so’s parents let them do it.” Or “So and so doesn’t have a bed time” Or “So and so can watch whatever they want.” My response is, “Because so and so’s parents can’t write you off on their taxes which means your OUR child and we have to do what we believe is right for you…” (I know my 12-year-old, the one I hear it from most, is just testing me, hoping I’ll cave, because he always comes back and says he knows I do it for his own good). Something that makes this even more of a challenge is when I have “so and so’s” parents question the choices I make as well. I refuse to give in to “Peer pressure parenting.”
Thanks to all of you so far who have shared some pretty honest struggles. Reggie and I really want to create that kind of a conversation, because frankly, it’s the only kind worth having. You can’t really make progress unless you are willing to be authentic.
My biggest challenge as a parent is knowing when to draw the line with my teenage daughters and let them learn from their choices or sometimes mistakes. When setting boundaries, I find that I may be too strict out of fear. Yet when I let them go to make their own decisions, I sometimes find myself staring at a possible train wreck. I also feel like this happens with their relationship with God. Part of me wants to continuously remind them of their relationship with Christ, but I am often reminded of my own spiritual journey and know that I had to be willing to walk in His direction. I sometimes wonder are they ready to give God that control?
We are a blended family with 3 kids, 13 yr old boy (mine), an 11 yr old girl (mine), and a 10 yr old boy (his). Our biggest struggle is with my 13 yr old as he can be an immature 13 yr old who struggles in school. He has a tendency to not turn in his homework and therefore starts getting f’s. We’ve tried everything we could to get him to understand he needs to do this and it’ll work for a little bit. His grades will improve, but then they fall back a little at the end. He struggles with a teacher who has a tendency to make an example out of him in front of his classmates over everything from homeowrk and grades, to what kind of snack he is eating ( she feels organic is best and will not allow him to eat a snack if it is not some fresh fruit or such). My son has a little bit of a weight issue as well (140#) and we are working on that with him. (He is 5′ tall). I often get torn between my husband and son because my husband is more of a strict disciplinarian than I am. And even though I am the one to discipline my kids, he sometimes feels it is not good enough and will talk to me about it. I also deal with peer pressure parenting as some people feel our punishments for things are too harsh. (We go to a wonderful church and my kids are very familiar and comfortable in their faith.) Any ideas on how to get my son to understand and turn his homework in or is this just a 6th grade phase most kids go through but eventually grow out of?? The other 2 get good grades (A’s and B’s) and are generally happy.
Hey Cammie….great question. I can totally relate, being a dad of two teenagers myself. One of my favourite verses is Proverbs 16.25. I talk to my kids all the time about short term gain and long term pain, versus choices that cause short term pain but lead to long term gain. I hope that helps in the journey. If they can do what everyone else is not doing now, they will be able to do the great things that few get to experience later.
Jennifer…tough one. It’s just so hard to say without knowing more about the situation. My hope is that you are connected to a great local community where you are personally known and they know your son and situation. Sometimes people just outside the family circle are able to share the insight that drives to the core of an issue.
I am the parent of two young ladies (turning 11 and 13 this summer). I must begin by saying how grateful I am to reThink (and our children’s minister) for creating/purchasing this curriculum! My girls have grown up hearing “make the wise choice” and patience is waiting until later for what you want now! As a matter of fact, I told our children’s minister, while attending the Orange conference in April, THANK YOU for helping me raise my children with these virtues!
Anyway, my biggest challenge is boundaries. Our world is so out of control and I don’t want my girls influenced by it! I do my best to role model (reading the Word daily, serving at our Church, helping them make decisions) but am fearful for their future. When you see YOUR own mistakes as possibilities for them – it is frightening!
Biggest Challenge – Having a prodigal. Knowing it’s not my fault – he had a choice and knows and has expeienced God in a powerful way. But it still hurts. Have not seen him in over a year. It’s harder I think when they are older. Like an earlier comment – letting them know even when they are gown – you are still invested in their lives – after all God entrusted them to me.
My biggest challenge is realizing they are not mine, and that they will soon be gone…. and to know…. so many of the moments I had with them were lost on busyness.