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Why Puzzles are Addictive (and Frustrating)

Monday, April 2nd, 2012

Know anyone that’s addicted to puzzles? It might be plain old jigsaw puzzles with traditional pieces or even Sudoku or Tangrams. What do they do when they get stuck or run into a problem? They often physically react, don’t they? They just can’t help themselves—tossing the piece or paper down. Maybe they cover up their eyes, clutch their heads, erase furiously or even walk away for awhile. But if they’re a true puzzle-lover, you know they’ll be back. They might not even be able to sleep until they solve it!

That makes me think about what truly causes us to learn—to want to try and figure something out. There needs to be one of two things:

1. a gap in our understanding
2. or a conflict—something that goes against what we believe to be true already

So going back to those puzzles—I’ve watched my mom working on them for hours. She gets (and gives) new ones every year at Christmas. She’ll have this piece that just doesn’t seem to fit anywhere or maybe she’s sure that it fits in one specific spot—but it just won’t go. I’ve seen her sit back with a puzzled but intense look on her face too many times to count. And you know what almost always happens next? She grabs the box and studies it, looking back and forth between the piece, what she’s put together so far on the table and the box with the completed picture.

The same thing happens to all of us in real life, doesn’t it? We’re going along and all of the sudden—something happens that we don’t expect or like. Maybe we’re not sure what to do next (gap) or maybe this new thing makes us question what we believed before (conflict). That’s when it’s so important to take a step back and look for the bigger picture, allow ourselves to ask hard questions, and remind ourselves of the things we still know are true.

One of the best things we can help our kids understand is that sometimes things are just not going to make sense and they may find themselves holding a piece of the puzzle that just doesn’t seem to fit.

Maybe someone they care about dies
A parent loses a job
They get bullied at school
Someone gets divorced

Our job is to help our kids understand that there is a big picture that we can’t always see. And just because things don’t make sense to them doesn’t mean they don’t make sense somehow. God has a way of taking the pieces of the puzzle that don’t seem to fit and using them in ways we could never imagine. That’s where hope comes in. Hope is believing that those puzzle pieces fit into the bigger picture—outside of the small context that we can understand.

We define hope as believing that something good can come out of something bad.

As Reggie Joiner explains more in the preview video below, “It’s important to help kids know what to do when life throws them a curveball—when their picture doesn’t pan out the way they think it will—that life will get messy at some point. But no matter how confusing, God still has a plan.”

What conversations are you having with your children about hope when bad things happen? Share them with us!

Preview: Puzzled (April 2012) from Orange on Vimeo.

Family Voice

Friday, March 30th, 2012

Here’s an article we pulled from the archives that is worth taking a second look. Leave us a comment! What does your family voice sound like?

by Carey Nieuwhof

There’s this thing that I believe every family has. I don’t actually know what to call it. If we were having a conversation, I wouldn’t be able to imitate it.

But I know it when I hear it. I hear it in shopping malls, in crowds, when families get into and out of their homes and cars, at resataurants, and when I’m a guest in someone’s home. I’ve heard it for years in my home. And I have one too.

What is it? This isn’t the scientific name for it at all, but in my head I call it family voice. You know what I’m talking about. It’s the tone of voice you would never use except around the people closest to you. It contains hints of expectation, exasperation, frustration and quiet fatigue. Add in tones of command, whining and a touch of rudeness, and you’ve got family voice. Sometimes it’s strong. Sometimes it’s subtle. But all the time it’s reserved for the people you live with.

If you used it at work, you’d be shunned or maybe even get fired. If you used it in your social circle, you’d have no friends. You’re likely distant enough as a grown adult to not use it on your parents or siblings anymore. Chances are you only pull it out in the square box you inhabit with a handful of other people we call family.

And ultimately, it’s disrespectful. That’s why you would never use it on other people. But somehow on the people we love most we feel free to pull it out regularly. I don’t know why. We just do.

So if you want to increase the level of respect you show for each other at home, try this: eliminate your family voice. I know, it’s hard. Because I’m convinced we don’t even hear it in ourselves anymore after a period of years.

When I catch myself, this is what I do: I pretend my wife and kids are perfect strangers, someone from work, or a friend I haven’t seen in a while.

Why? Because then I would be kind, courteous, charming and engaged.

Which is what they deserve. Every day.

Try it today. Speak to your family as if they weren’t your family. You might be amazed at what happens to the levels of respect and delight in your home. (And let us know how it goes.)

The Art of Discipline: Making It Helpful

Wednesday, March 28th, 2012

Shepherding the hearts of our kids is one of those daily behaviors that does more to refine and challenge me than anything else in my life. In my interactions with my kids, God reveals more to me about my own humanity than I care to know. Particularly in disciplinary situations.

One thing I’ve learned about kids is that I cannot control their actions. There are times when I try. There are times I guide, nudge, remind, even harass… yet, in the end, they decide what action they will take. Not me.

I don’t know about you, but that really gets under my skin. It’s something I have to actively submit to the Father asking Him for guidance and patience. Recently He brought Ephesians 4:29 back onto my radar.

“Don’t say anything that would hurt [another person]. Instead, speak only what is good so that you can give help wherever it is needed. That way, what you say will help those who hear you.” (GWT)

It’s a timely reminder for me that my role as mom is to Fight for the Heart of my kids, to create a culture of unconditional love in my home that fuels their emotional and moral health. Approaching discipline in a way that is helpful takes practice, planning and patience.

I’ve got to practice they way that I talk to my kids. That means that through my everyday interactions I need to habitually speak words that are helpful to them. It’s easier to do this in positive interactions than negative. However, if I fail to speak helpful words in a positive interaction, it’s guaranteed I won’t speak them in a negative interaction.

Good discipline is preceded by good planning. If my child makes the wrong decision, what are the consequences? Do my kids know those consequences? There have been times we’ve sent a child to their room letting them know, “We’re going to think about the right consequences for your action. In a little while we’ll sit down with you and talk through them.”

Patience is a discipline I continue to wrestle down. I’m inherently impatient. Yet patience is critical when Fighting for the Heart of my child. Why? Because they are going to make mistakes. And my ability to be patient with their mistakes communicates an unconditional love to them. They need a safe place to mess up and know that they are capable of doing better the next time.

Gina McClain is the Children’s Ministry Director at Faith Promise Church in Knoxville, Tennessee. Gina is driven by the idea of equipping parents for the journey of teaching their kids how to follow Christ. Based upon her experience as a mom, she identifies with the everyday challenges parents wade through. Gina and her husband, Kyle, have three kids, Keegan, Josie and Connor

What Every Dad Should Know About His Daughter

Tuesday, March 20th, 2012

by Gina McClain

Several weeks ago I was dropping my daughter off for a birthday party. As I was leaving a man stopped me asking for directions. He was standing with one of my daughter’s school friends. Immediately recognizing her, I put my hand out and introduced myself explaining that our daughters sit together at lunch often. His reaction was sarcastic as he gave his daughter a side-ways glance. He made a negative comment regarding his daughter as he looked at her. Her response to him led me to believe those interactions are common.

Witnessing the exchange made me sad. I drove away thinking of all the little things we can do as parents that either build up or tear down the hearts of our kids.

It’s challenging to articulate the influence a father has on a little girl. How much of his attitude and actions toward her can determine her future relationships. I remember how much stock I placed in what my dad thought of me. I remember how much I wanted him to be proud of me. To affirm me. To show me my value.

I remember how he would brag about me on the sidelines of the soccer field.

How he would tell me I’m beautiful.

How he would hug me so hard I couldn’t breath.

How often he reminded me as a teenager, “Never date a boy you wouldn’t marry.”
(What a way to narrow the playing field!)

Dads, don’t lose sight of the impact you have today on your daughter’s future. Here are three things I encourage you to focus on:

Affirm Her
She looks to you for affirmation, encouragement, & guidance. As she grows through puberty (ESPECIALLY, as she grows through puberty), she needs your voice reminding her that she is beautiful, valuable and worthy of love. If she can learn to believe you, then she’ll believe her future husband when he tells her the same things.

Set the Standard
Be the husband you want her to have one day. Enough said. Is it difficult? Yes. Does it mean sacrifice? Yes. Is it worth it? Yes. I watch my husband daily making changes to be a better husband and dad. He’s amazing. He demonstrates for our daughter the kind of man he wants her to marry one day.

Talk About the Standard
Talk about the future. As you “Imagine the End” and think about the man you hope she marries… talk about it! Let her know what you expect. Set the bar. She’ll do everything she can to jump over it.

Let me level with you, dad. The more you affirm her today, the less she’ll seek affirmation in some teenage boy later.

Growing Roots Deeper

Thursday, March 15th, 2012

by Cara Martens

I’ve got to be honest—I’m more of a planter and less of a water-er. Around this time of the year, I begin to get a little itch to add some color to my world. With great care and excitement, I check out all the local offerings of plants—looking for just the right mix and price. I take most of a day to trim back (or pull out) anything that didn’t make it through the winter. Then I add in new potting soil, chock full of ingredients I can’t say or spell. And I carefully place my young new plants in a hole dug just for them and gently fill and pat the soil all around their new home. Finally, I dust off my dirty gloves and stand back to admire the overall effect.

Unfortunately for my new green-stemmed friends, at this point, my passion tends to run a little dry. It’s pretty hard for me to remember to water these guys, even though I know they’re at a fragile stage of life and struggling to make it through the transition from nursery to the big world outside it. And my sweet Goldendoodle, Boomer, certainly doesn’t make it any easier for them—he’s quite fond of pulling these sweet annual blooms right out of the ground or pot for an afternoon snack.

After years of battling my predisposition to being pumped at the beginning and then quickly losing interest (or in all honesty, hoping my husband steps in), I’ve finally realized that it’s all about making it a regular part of my routine and working it into my every day in a natural way.

So now after I take the kids to school each morning, as I’m walking back in the door, all I have to do is lean down to grab my waiting watering can. I fill it up and take just a minute before diving into my work day to focus on my flowers, especially the new ones. And once a week, I try to mix in a little fertilizer to help them stay bold and strong. Later as my kids and dog play in the yard, I take the opportunity to quickly pull a weed here and there or “dead head” to encourage some new blooms. And it’s no longer such a chore or something that overwhelms me and makes me feel guilty about all those good intentions.

All of this is honestly similar to how I struggle as a parent to really help my kids grow in their faith. Maybe you can relate. It’s pretty easy to snag up the latest book or bookmark a new blog full of ideas. It’s a lot harder to think through how you’ll put what you learned into play this week.

I want to help my kids connect the dots and increase their understanding of what it can look like to live out what they believe. That’s what I think will help their roots grow down deep—so they can survive the transitions and challenges that will and do come. And by thinking about natural points during the day when we have time together as well as pointing out what’s going on around us already, it’s not really adding anything to an already busy day—it’s just making the most of all the opportunities to grow!

What are some practical ways that you as a parent help your kids faith grow deeper? How can you make it a part of the rhythm of your day or week?

Cara Martens is the 252 Groups Director at Orange. She loves to write, research, and develop creative ideas. Cara and her husband, Kevin, have two kids and live in Texas.

The Includers

Monday, March 12th, 2012

The summer before my 8th grade, we moved to a new state. My dad’s job relocated our family from a non-descript Midwestern community to an affluent East Texas town, steep in Southern culture. As soon as we arrived in our new city, one of my dad’s business associates introduced me to Lizzie. Undoubtedly my father’s colleague recognized that making new friends amidst middle school would be no easy chore, and certainly not in a town with generations-old cliques and social circles. So on my behalf, he invited a young family friend who was also my age to attend a small dinner gathering welcoming my family. Within seconds of first meeting Lizzie, she was coaching me on who to know and how to survive my new middle school. Over dinner that night, a friendship was begun.

In many regards, Lizzie and I were unlikely peers. I was a pudgy 14 year-old with short bangs and a limited wardrobe. Lizzie was the well-dressed, perfectly manicured offspring to Texas oil aristocracy. I came from both a family and a culture where life was understated. Lizzie’s family mingled among famous names. Her world was colorful. And while it was sometimes overstated, it was always entertaining. Lizzie had a million friends. If there was something big going on, Lizzie was in the middle of it and usually in charge.

Frankly, Lizzie didn’t need another friend. However, within days of our first introduction, Lizzie telephoned to inform me of my upcoming social schedule. Lizzie had already contacted various friends and cleared bringing me as an added guest to future planned gatherings. Lizzie didn’t just take me along to “The Back to School Bash” lunch out with the girls and events at our church, she ensured others were engaging me on these occasions. Thanks to Lizzie, within days of my arrival in a new town I had an almost instant set of friends to see me through middle school and beyond. Lizzie continued to include me in her world and expand mine even into college.

Lizzie gave me the gift of friendship that was bigger than she could ever be. Looking back, I now recognize that Lizzie was both big-hearted and unafraid of risk. She didn’t fear rejection for carrying in a slightly awkward acquaintance to an established set of friends. And she cared less about the changing dynamic of adding a new voice to a circle than she did nurturing a new friend. Lizzie was an “includer.” Now nearing age 40, and reflecting on the people who have had the greatest influence and impact in my life, I recognize that they were all “includers.”

It can be easy to get caught up in a group of peers and be comfortable without even noticing those on the outside. Maybe it comes more naturally to some, but it’s important for all of us to learn the skill of thinking of others and helping them feel included. How are you being an “includer” among your own peers? How are you teaching your children to be “includers?”

Along with her husband and young son, Amy Fenton Lee lives in Cumming, GA. For more on Amy and her writing see www.amyfentonlee.comand www.theinclusivechurch.com.

Rooted in Conviction

Wednesday, March 7th, 2012

Have you tuned in to watch The Firm on TV yet? I remember reading the bestseller years ago and later watching the movie as this young lawyer graduates and gets his first job. I can still picture he and his wife celebrating by buying pizza with change they found in the couch! But then things got way more complicated and he struggled to live out what he believed, almost losing everything he really cared about in the process.

This lawyer drama is just one of the newest offerings, joining a long history of popular shows from Boston Legal to more reality TV trials like Judge Judy. I think we’re drawn to these stories because of the CONVICTION (or lack of it) on display week or week. We want to see how it turns out—will the characters stay true or lose their way?

The classic definition of conviction is “holding a firm and strong belief.” And conviction is not just standing for anything. The characters that we root for are standing for something that’s right. And really you’re standing by what you believe is right because you wouldn’t know how to live with yourself if you didn’t.

Conviction isn’t just a strongly held opinion—it’s a powerfully held belief that’s got to be founded in something truer, deeper, and stronger than just you. This brings to mind of another trial more than five hundred years ago.

In an old movie about Martin Luther, there’s a scene when he is fighting for his life because of what he’s written. Men in robes want him to admit he was wrong. So the camera zooms in on Luther’s response. He’s shaking with fury. He stares down his accuser, and he gives his famous and defiant speech ending with “I cannot and will not recant.” It was such a powerful moment—you just expected the music to swell and for Luther to jump on his horse and ride off into the sunset. It’s a great picture of biblical conviction.

But the historical account of what really happened tells a different story. When he was asked, “Will you recant?” Luther actually said, “I was wondering if you could give me another day to think about it.” Another day to think about it? Is that really conviction? As a matter of fact, it is—the best kind.

Through the night, Luther wrestled with his beliefs. He questioned his own conclusions. He re-evaluated his ideas. The next morning when he stood before his accusers, he wasn’t arrogant or angry. He was broken and nervous but he said with a simple seasoned resolve: “Here I stand, I can do no other; may God help me. Amen.”

These words teach us something important about conviction. Conviction isn’t about ego. It isn’t pounding your fist on the witness stand to be heard. As a parent, it made us realize a few important things about conviction. It doesn’t just happen instantly. It’s developed over time.

Conviction is built by continually doing what’s right and good, day after day. That’s why a great verse for kids to know is 2 Thessalonians 3:13, “Never tire of doing what is right.”

Ultimately, what Martin Luther had over Ethan Hunt was years of time spent getting to know God, reading what He’d written and internalizing that—so that when the day came, he could stand by what he’d written too.

That’s what we should want for our kids–conviction that stands and lasts because it’s deeply rooted in the character of God, not in an individual’s personal opinion or attitude. If we’re not connected to the nature of God, we are like a wick without oil. And we will burn out quickly.

We’re excited to focus on getting rooted in conviction this month to raise up a generation of kids who will grow up knowing how to stand for what is right, because they’ve spent time getting to know who they put their faith in.

For more ideas on how to talk to your kids about the idea of conviction, watch Reggie talk about it in this month’s preview video and find out what’s going on over at Studio252.

Entitled Parents

Thursday, March 1st, 2012

It’s one thing to work on helping your kids fight an attitude of entitlement like we talked about earlier this week, but let’s face it, to some extent, they learned the behavior from us.

If that’s true, what can you do to fight entitlement in your own life? The more you live out the values you want to see in your kids, the better chance your kids have of living that out too.

It’s so critical we combat entitlement in ourselves and our kids because entitlement kills our ability to experience two critical things in life: gratitude and joy. None of us would sign up our kids to live their lives without gratitude or joy, yet it’s surprising how many adults live without either. Entitlement does that.

First, entitled people are never grateful people. If you believe you have something coming to you, it’s hard to receive it as a gift, a bonus, an unexpected benefit or even a surprise. In your mind, someone owes it to you. It had better be good. In fact, you might believe more should have done for you. How can you ever be grateful as a result?

Second, entitled people experience very little joy. Because gratitude is absent, so is delight. It’s so very hard to find pleasure in what you have because you had it coming to you, it’s yours, and you live in a quiet fear of losing it. Entitled people fight so hard to get what they want that they can’t imagine life without it. That fear alone robs them of any joy.

So, what do you do? Here are three things that have helped me fight entitlement when I feel it creeping in:

1. Decide that no one owes you anything. No one owes you a job. No one owes you love or respect. No one owes you kindness. In fact, God doesn’t owe you anything (that’s actually quite sound biblically, you know). Instead, start to see everything that comes to you as a gift. You will cherish and value your job, your family, your possessions and even your relationship with God much more deeply. I promise.

2. Be generous. Entitled people don’t share well. In fact, they hoard. They hoard credit (but aren’t afraid to assign blame), they hang onto possessions, are stingy givers and have a “fixed pie” mindset. Giving money away and sharing the things you have can help break the back of greed and the idea that you deserve everything that’s come your way.

3. Hold what you have loosely. I regularly remind myself that all the work I do, the relationships I have, and the possessions I have are a privilege and a trust given to me by God and other people around me. I am fortunate to be able to do what I do and have what I have. And if they are taken away, that is fine, because I will have what matters most: a deep relationship with God and the people closest to me. Holding things loosely reminds me that they are on loan, and not entirely deserved.

These three things help me combat entitlement in my own heart as a parent.

I hope that as my kids see me battle entitlement in my life, it helps them battle it in theirs. How about you?

Five Ways to Fight Entitlement in Your Kids

Tuesday, February 28th, 2012

Like most parents, you feel this terrible tug.

On the one hand, you want to provide your child with every advantage. On the other hand, sometimes it feels like when you do that, you’re feeding an incredibly unhealthy characteristic in our culture.

For whatever reason, we’re living in the midst of an entitlement epidemic. Probably more than any other generation before us, our generation feels as though we have a right to things that used to be defined as wants, or even privileges.

Here’s how the cycle starts:

On the day your child is born, it’s easy to decide as a parent that you need to give your child every advantage.

So you compete. You made sure he had bright colors in his nursery and exactly the right kind of mobile to stimulate his brain, but now it’s an all out frenzy to ensure your preschooler can swim, skate, hit a ball, paint frameable art, read, write and speak classical Greek before his fourth birthday.

And don’t worry, because by the time you’re done with the race to kindergarten, the culture has taken over feeding the frenzy. Your child has now seen enough advertisements and made enough friends to believe that her every desire not only can be met, but should be met. The boots that every other stylish kid is wearing are not a privilege, they are a right. Or so you’ve been told.

And then other inalienable rights emerge: the right to a phone for texting, iPod touches, Facebook and so much more.

Somewhere in the mix, you found yourself realizing that you are tempted to pay your kids for every “act of service” rendered in the house, from emptying the trash to picking up each sock.

And you realize something is desperately wrong. And you would be correct in that.

So, what do you do to fight entitlement in yourself and in your kids? Here are five suggestions:

1. Be clear on wants and needs. I joke with my kids that we owe them shelter, food and clothes, and I would be happy to slip a pizza under the door to their cardboard house any time they wish (they are 16 and 20, don’t try this with your 5-year-old, but you get the point.) Take time to explain what is actually a need and what a want is. Culture will never explain it to them. You need to.

2. Reclaim special occasions. There is nothing wrong with not buying wants for your kids in every day life. Save the special things for special occasions like birthdays, Christmas and the like. You don’t need to indulge for no reason. In fact, you probably shouldn’t.

3. Set a budget and let them choose. With back to school shopping and seasonal purchases, we started setting a budget with our kids early and then let them choose how they would spend it. They become much more frugal shoppers when all of a sudden they realize that money is limited and they can get more if they shop around.

4. Establish an allowance and expectations. An allowance is a great way for a child to learn responsibility. We’ve encouraged our kids to give 10 percent of every thing they earn, save 10 percent, and live off the rest (the formula gets more restrictive the closer they get to college). Explain what gets covered and not covered out of that allowance.

5. Be clear about what you will never pay them for. There are some things that you do because you are a part of the family. You can decide where that lands in your home. Make a list of responsibilities that no one gets paid for that you do because you are part of a family. To help with this, why not ask your kids what a reasonable list looks like? Involving them will help them own the decision. Second, make sure you follow up. And hold them responsible for what you all agreed to do. Otherwise you will be tempted to pay for everything or just roll your eyes daily and do it yourself.

Approaches like these can help raise kids who see life as a series of privileges, who live gratefully, and realize their responsibility to others.

How is our entitlement culture impacting your family? And how have you learned to battle it?

Getting it Right

Friday, February 24th, 2012

I’ve been watching my daughter do all kinds of crazy things to get my little granddaughter to eat her vegetables. We are currently blending them into a green yogurt smoothie. As my daughter works to get Baby E to eat a balanced and nutritious diet, I listen to everyone give her all kinds of advice. There is a lot of wisdom in the advice. I love when more experienced women share their knowledge. Many times my advice is heaped right on top.

But every time Baby E locks her mouth shut and shakes her head no, I see my daughter’s shoulders slump a little bit. I know she must be wondering: How did all of these other women succeed in getting their kids to eat veggies? (P.S. We didn’t.) Am I doing something wrong? She’s tried all of the advice. I know that she loves Baby E and wants to get it right.

If you’re like me, you desire to help these young parents. You want them to learn from all of your mistakes and successes.

Here are a few tips to help them as they work to get it right:

1. Support their efforts. There is very rarely one right way to parent a child. I’ve heard a million pieces of advice on everything from potty training to getting them to sleep through the night. But sometimes in all the advice-giving, we overwhelm young parents and undermine their confidence. Instead of trying to change their way of doing things, support them. Do it their way. Remember how much you learned by trying? They need to learn that way too. Who knows, we might learn something new.

2. Encourage their hearts. Instead of telling them the right way to do everything, tell them about the mistakes you’ve made. You know, that time you thought your child was faking and they really had a broken arm? Remember how everything turned out okay? Speak to their emotions. Let them know that in spite of your fears, weaknesses, and mistakes, your kids thrived. Tell them what a great job they are doing. Let them know you are proud of them. Remind them that their child will survive their mistakes. Lift them up when they are discouraged.

3. Give them advice. When they ask and when they don’t, refer to #1.

4. Help them. Babysit, do the dishes, buy them a much needed stroller, let them take a nap, or cook them dinner. Roll up your sleeves and help. Raising children is hard work. If you want to have influence and a place in their everyday lives, then help them. These young moms have nothing to prove. Don’t make them do it by themselves. Help to carry their load so they have the energy to do the demanding job of parenting.

In those moments when you’re supporting, encouraging, and helping you just might find that you are sharing far greater wisdom than you can imagine. And you will have the pleasure of knowing you helped a young parent become a GREAT parent.