Imagine the end « Orange Parents

PARENTING TOPIC: Imagine the end

Five Tensions Task-Oriented Parents Face

Monday, December 3rd, 2012

I remember taking a personality profile for work shortly after I started into my first full-time job.

It told me what I already suspected: When it comes to working on a task or spending time with people, I’ll almost always choose the task. I actually do value relationships, but I default toward task.

That’s not a bad thing. Work gets done. Life stays on track. And organizations and causes advance when people focus on tasks.

What I didn’t realize at the time was how much my bias toward tasks over people would impact my family life. Sure, all you relationship people could see that coming a mile away, but us task people kind of miss that stuff.

It was a bit of a surprise to me that what can get you ahead at work can easily help you fall behind at home.

While being a task-oriented person has it’s advantages, it really impacts the kind of spouse you will be and the kind of parent you will be.

It gets particularly challenging if, like me, you have a wife and kids who (thankfully) see the deep value in relationship.

I’ve gotten better at managing this tension over the years. But it only happened because I realized the limits of what task-orientation brought to my world at home.

So, what do task people struggle with at home? It may be different for each of us, but here are five tension points I’ve struggled with as a dad and husband:

I saw people as interruptions rather than priorities. That’s difficult to say out loud, but it’s true. I think it’s just a default wiring task people have to overcome. It gets particularly bad when those relationships are your wife and kids.

I tended to see my family as projects rather than people. Trust me, that was never my goal. But it was a by-product of my style. I know that I was tempted to want my kids to achieve—to have top grades, keep their rooms clean, never get into trouble. All of those are decent goals, but task people can miss the nuances in relationships and end up treating their kids (and spouses) as projects, not people. This, by the way, is the gateway into conditional love and conditional acceptance. You don’t want to go there.

I misunderstood days off. Days off were just opportunities to do new projects right? Apparently not. If I went with my default, I would have missed some of the richest times I could spend with my family.

I thought everyone spoke my love language. If you want to make me smile, give me words of affirmation and acts of service. So, I just thought the rest of the world ran off of the same fuel. Try marrying someone whose love language is quality time. And having a couple of kids who value that too. I had to learn that all the words of affirmation and acts of service I sent their way would never mean the same thing as unstructured, quality time.

I found it hard to focus. My mind races. So, when I let my default style go unchecked, I found it almost impossible to be “in the moment.” I was always thinking about what had to get done next, a big project I was working on, or what had to get fixed.

In the next post, I’ll share some steps I took to help combat the tension a task orientation creates.

But in the meantime, which of these points resonate with you? What other areas do you struggle with?

And for those of you who are relationship people, what bothers you most about those of us with a task orientation?

Afraid of the Dark

Tuesday, November 13th, 2012

by Sarah Anderson

I am mama to a two-year-old who is going through a bit of a rough stage. He is becoming more aware of being alone at night. And he is afraid. Of the dark. Of strange noises and imaginary monsters. So in order to calm these prevalent fears, his dad and I have started assuring him that even though we aren’t in the room with him, God is. This platitude has become part of the bedtime routine. “It’s dark,” he asserts. “God is here,” we assure.

Last night, my little guy prayed on his own. And when he finished we excitedly told him that God had heard all he had to say. My son looked at us expectantly saying, “God is here!” “That’s right!” we praised. To which my little guy asked, “Where’s His nose?”

A great question. Because it reflected his unyielding trust in what we had been telling him. The issue wasn’t whether God was actually with us in the room. The issue was, if God was in the room, then why couldn’t we see Him?

This morning I learned that a young mom I had never met passed away after a short, intense, battle with cancer. Her story resonated with me. I read an excerpt from an old blog post when, in a hospital bed, afraid, and grappling with the hand dealt her, she asked the nurse at her bedside a question. With tears in her eyes she pleaded, “Where’s God?” To which the kind, believing nurse responded, “Oh baby, He’s here.”

It seems it is a truth we never outgrow the need for. It seems our greatest fear—at any given time—is that we are alone in the bigness of an unfamiliar world. The questions that haunt us as children resurface over the course of our lives—what we once believed so easily isn’t always easy to believe. Early on, we need the reassurance that the God who made the dark—and the stars and moon that illuminate it—is with us as we drift to sleep. And later we need the reassurance that the God who made us and orchestrates all the beauty we encounter is near us in each tragedy too.

This matters, because the God of the universe has entrusted me, as a parent, with a tiny slice of eternity in the soul of my son. And given me the responsibility to tell him timeless truths—to lay the foundation for the certainties of our Creator. God is here. God is close. Even if we can’t see His nose—He is present. And so we, as parents, convey these truths, in their simplicity and matter-of-factness, so grateful for the tender ages and stages of belief we find in our children. They will take us at our word. They will hear and trust us.

We do this, as parents, because a day is coming when it won’t be the dark that prompts our kids to ask the questions they once did as toddlers. Then, confusing circumstances, broken relationships, and unexplained loss will stir in them the fear that God may not be as present as they hoped. But re-emerging uncertainty isn’t wrong. And it isn’t representative of a failure on our part. It will be a piece of our kids’ own personal journey of faith, just like it was part of our own.

Knowing this, I am more resolute that my son knows the truths life will most assuredly put on trial. I want him to hear from me first that God is faithful, so when he doubts it—as he inevitably will—he will remember his parents told him otherwise.

And in working to make sure he hears these assurances, I anticipate finding myself encouraged as well—reminded anew of the powerful truths I once believed so easily.

Sarah Anderson is a writer for Orange and loves being a mom to Asher and Pace and a wife to Rodney.

When Should You Give Your Kids Their Own Phone?

Thursday, November 8th, 2012

I have two sons. One’s in college and the other is still in high school, but it feels like I raised them in the olden days. You know, the 2000s.

One day, they get to tell their kids that when they were young, they had to actually go to a store to rent a movie and play it on something called a DVD player. (I’m sure their kids will say, “Really, dad?”) They’ll get to talk about their awesome CD collection. (“Your what collection, Dad?”) My oldest son is just old enough to also remember the horrendous pinging sound of dial up. Oh the stories he can tell. . .

Ten-year-olds today live in a significantly different world than ten-year-olds even a few years ago.

Today, when you get a phone you don’t just get something to dial if you’re going to be late for dinner or you’re in danger. You get everything with it—Facebook, movies, a full web browser, and any app you can think of. And you have it with you anytime, anywhere. Wifi is everywhere, and whether it’s an iPod touch, a phone, a tablet, a laptop or any kind of mobile device, our kids have access to anything, anytime.

It can be difficult for parents to address when their kids should get their first phone (or whatever device it is that will allow them access to the online world with the swipe of a finger).

Even though my sons are 16 and 20, I never had to answer that question quite the same way many of you do. But I’ve thought about it a lot.

Here’s how I think I might answer the question, “Dad, when can I get my own phone?”

What I think I’d say today is this: “When you’re ready.”

Here’s why. I’m not sure there’s a magic line that kids cross when they reach a certain birthday or grade in school that really qualifies them to be ready to handle everything that comes at them when a browser or app opens up.

Maybe “when you’re ready” isn’t a bad idea in other areas too. For example, is every 16-year-old “ready” to drive a car? Don’t tell your kids this, but I think there are probably some 14-year-olds who are ready and responsible enough to drive. And there are some 44-year-olds we should bench. Whatever the legal drinking age is in your area, I know some 16-year-olds who would never touch the stuff and some grandparents who should be cut off.

So how do you know when they’re ready? Well, that’s up to you as a parent. I think to a large extent it’s tied to the development of their character, something we talked about in this post.

There are a few final things that intrigue me about the “when you’re ready” angle on technology:

It responds to the development of each child individually. Because it’s not a question of math or birthdays, it allows you to gauge your response individually to each child. Because some kids are mature for their age and well, others aren’t, it gives you options as a parent.

It fosters a dialogue. “When you’re ready” prompts the question, “Well, when will I be ready?” which can be a gateway into all kinds of great conversations about character, responsibility and honest dialogue about what they will learn and discover.

It creates an incentive. Suddenly a phone isn’t an entitlement, it’s something that’s tied to a child’s progress and their demonstration that they are ready to handle the responsibility that comes with it.

This is all just a suggestion of course, but then with technology moving as quickly as it is, we’re all kind of in a laboratory anyway, aren’t we?

So, in that spirit, what do you think about the “when you’re ready” approach? What other things are working (or not working) in your home when it comes to your kids and access to technology?

Different Paths

Tuesday, October 30th, 2012

Photo by Reggie Joiner

This article by Reggie Joiner is a great reminder of why it’s important to develop individuality in our kids:

There is a Scripture passage that has been misused often by leaders. “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.” I had always heard it interpreted as “teach your child right from wrong, and they will keep doing what is right.” Actually, a closer reading of the passage by scholars suggests that the tense of the word “child” in the Hebrew is referring to late adolescence. And the phrase “in the way he should go” is describing a unique path or direction that makes sense for that specific individual. My own over-simplified translation for the verse is “When your middle-schoolers discover and develop their personal strengths and get on the path that is designed for them, they will keep doing what they love to do.”

Okay, I’m not a scholar, and I’m sure you can poke holes in it, but I really do believe this principle. Parenting is not just about helping your children get on the right path, it’s really about getting them to discover the right path for them. I have seen this principle demonstrated too many times in positive and negative ways. I am with adults all the time who hate what they do. They have been on a path for a long time that doesn’t really work with who they are and how they were designed. Our goal should be to tap into the energy that we can find when we focus on our strengths and play in our zone.

According to Jenifer Fox, there are three different kind of strengths we should be looking for in our children: activity strengths, learning strengths, and relational strengths. As an education reformer she has written a book every parent should read, “Your Child’s Strengths – Discover Them, Develop Them, Use Them.” She is also responsible for starting something called the Strengths Movement for Youth. The following is an excerpt from her website www.strengthsmovement.com.

“What is the Strengths Movement for Youth?

The Strengths Movement for youth is an educational and parenting movement that seeks to provide a new paradigm for the ways we educate and raise children.

The core principles of the movement are the following:

1. Every child has a unique combination of strengths and when those strengths are nurtured, engaged and challenged, young people have the greatest opportunity to find success and happiness.

2. Happiness and personal fulfillment are the result of meaningful work and meaningful relationships. The quickest path to this is a focus on strengths rather than human deficits and weaknesses.

3. When teaching and learning is customized for the learner, higher quality work will result than when the environment is standardized.

4. When young people are encouraged to discover and work within their areas of strengths, they are most likely to develop talent.”

So…take a minute and write down one or two of you children’s strengths. Start looking for ways to help them develop their unique talents. Your job as a parent is not just to help your children get on the right path, but to encourage your children to discover the path that is right for the way they are uniquely designed.

Making Their Own Mark

Wednesday, October 24th, 2012

By Karen Wilson

I’m sure if you are a parent, you have realized by now how unique each one of your kids is. To me, it’s astounding how I helped create these amazing human beings who are unlike anyone in the world.

Sometimes, I falsely assume my two are a miniature version of me or my husband. In fact, my daughter is often referred to as my “mini-me.” We do have a lot in common, and sometimes when I look at her, I feel like I’m looking at myself. But more often than not, I’m blown away by her beautiful individuality. I have so much to learn about this kid!

She’s different. Her teachers tell me she’s different. In fact, when she was in pre-school, they told me I should worry about her. She wasn’t performing like the rest and seemed to be lost in a different world sometimes. But I knew better than to worry. She thinks differently, but she’s smart. She’s strong and independent. She’s a great storyteller. She’s artistic.

I knew she was artistic the day I walked into her room and she had done what some 18-month-olds do—she had taken off her diaper during nap time and proceeded to make the most elaborate creation I had ever seen.

She had made beautifully intricate scribble drawings all over the walls, her bed, her dresser, the floor, the door, her toys, her dollhouse, her clothes, her books . . . over every single object in her small room, using the only material she had on hand: a seemingly endless supply of–poop. I responded with rage as I threw her in the tub and yelled—a lot. It had officially made an already bad day the worst day of my life.

But as she sat there in the tub while I questioned her in disbelief, trying to illicit from her some form of deep remorse, she just looked at me with her big brown eyes in a perplexed way—not a single regretful tear in her eyes. And then I couldn’t help but smile. That’s when I realized how disgustingly beautiful and amazing her creation was. This was no ordinary poop-fest. It was ART!

Since that day, of course, I’ve made sure she has plenty of materials on hand: paints, canvases and brushes. And she paints me beautiful pictures all the time.

It seems to me one of the biggest parts of parenting—besides surviving each day—is figuring out and discovering who our children really are and encouraging them to become who they were meant to be.

Sometimes, who we want our children to be may be different than who they were meant to be. So what happens if they don’t fit into the little box that we have planned for them?

Instead of potentially dragging our kids through life unconsciously trying to turn them into someone else, or into someone we wish we could’ve been, why not spend some time learning about, celebrating and developing our children’s individuality?

How are you helping your kids discover their strengths so they can make their own mark on the world? How are you helping them develop their God-given talents?

Karen Wilson works at Orange as Reggie Joiner’s Assistant and as is also the Managing Editor of OrangeParents. She and her husband Mark have two children, Elijah (9) and Sara (7).

Resisting the Rescue

Thursday, October 11th, 2012

By Tim Walker

The other day in the drop-off, car-rider lane at my boys’ elementary school, one of my kids realized that he accidentally threw away something he needed for school.

My first instinct was to jump the curb, go home and dig through the trash to find it. In fact, there’s something deep within me that still wants to drive 45 minutes home and do just that.

My son works hard at school, he’s very conscious of his grades, and I could tell that he was pretty upset about it.

I wanted to make it better for him.
I resisted the urge.

In fact, while we sat in the car, we talked about alternate solutions. And in my head, I also thought that he might just have to get a bad grade on that one assignment.

Sometimes self-control as a parent means that I have to fight my protective instincts and let my kids go through things that might cause them pain, frustration or even disappointment.

I’m finding as my kids get older, I’m having to do this more and more. We faced it recently with my oldest son and some of his schoolwork. My wife and I tried to help by getting him to school early for extra help, and asking him about assignments and tests. But the reality was that it was up to him. I’m not in school with him every day. I’m not the one who has to take a test or turn in an assignment. He had to do it.

And the awesome thing is that when he realized what was on the line, he met the challenge.

Self-control means resisting the urge to rescue my kids, and let them walk through some things on their own.

And it’s so hard. Life hurts. Every one of us has experienced a wound or a scar from past disappointments and failures. We don’t want our kids to hurt like that too. But often, when we see those situations pop up in our kids’ lives, we remember the emotions but forget the valuable lessons we learned in the process.

I’m not saying I shouldn’t ever step into my sons’ worlds, or help them at all. But sometimes the best thing I can do as a dad is to let them face things—big or small—in a way that helps them navigate them, not avoid them.

When have you resisted the rescue and allowed your kids to fail to help them learn a valuable lesson?

Tim Walker works at Orange and is a husband, father of three boys, editor, writer, superhero—well, you get the idea. More of Tim’s words can be found at www.timswords.com.

Secrets for Dads From a Daughter

Thursday, September 27th, 2012

Art by Hannah Joiner

by Hannah Joiner

I happened to be at the wedding when Reggie, my dad, read this letter to Mark on the day he gave his daughter Kristi away in marriage. Even though it was directed primarily to fathers, I couldn’t help but learn a few things myself. I also thought of a few secrets that my dad should know about his daughter that might be beneficial for other dads too.

Secret one: Rolling my eyes didn’t always mean what I was communicating to you.

I remember rolling my eyes as a little girl when my dad needed to take me by his office. The funny thing is, I also remember REALLY wanting to go. I just didn’t want him to know that. Yes, we do play games, and I’m sorry it’s so confusing! I loved feeling like I was important enough to be around my dad’s workplace. It made me feel like he was proud to be my dad.

Secret two: I loved when you invested in getting to know my friends.

When my dad would get to know my friends (at any age), it meant the world to me. I pretended to be embarrassed sometimes. Little did he know, he was communicating his genuine interest in my life. What was important to me was also important to him, and I began to realize that his purpose was not to just make the rules, he wanted to build a relationship with me.

Secret three: Letting go helped me decide who I wanted to be.

When I was sixteen, I got into some trouble at school. I was scared to death of what my punishment would be when my dad got home. This is one of those times I remember him “letting go.” He didn’t really punish me, he just told me I was old enough to make my own decisions and that I was accountable to God and myself. The next day, he took me to work with him and treated me like an adult. This was a turning point in my life. I was heart broken knowing he was disappointed in me. I WANTED a punishment so that I could just pay for it. Instead, letting go in that moment taught me who I wanted to be—someone that could make the right decisions without rules.

Dads, I wish I had been better at communicating to my father how much his holding on and letting go meant to me. The chances are, your daughters will probably wish the same thing one day. If you are fighting for her and trying your best, she knows it. So don’t stop. Of course my dad didn’t do everything right, but none of that matters now because he fought for our relationship. I really believe that’s the most crucial part.

I hope this encourages you to push on through the eye rolls and know that she loves you and wants you to fight for her heart . And when the moments come that you have to let go a little bit, remember you are giving her a chance to grow into the person she is meant to be.

Hannah Joiner works as a creative director for Orange. By default she grew up around the making and development of Orange and now as an adult can’t help but have a few thoughts of her own sometimes. In her free time she is painting or making something! Hannah believes that creativity is a universal tool we can use to teach children, inspire people, and share stories.

A Secret for Dads

Monday, September 24th, 2012

Instead of the typical blog, I thought I would share something I wrote for Mark Taylor this weekend for his daughter Kristi’s wedding. It was for the part of the ceremony when the father gives away his daughter. We have been friends with Colette and Mark for almost two decades.

“I was watching some of the younger dads last night at the rehearsal dinner holding their kids, and I wondered if they knew the secret you and I know, the secret that every dad discovers sooner or later. You and I have talked about it a lot of times. It’s a secret that no one told us when we were younger, or if they did tell us I’m not sure we really paid attention then. Here it is:

As soon as your daughter is born, you have to start learning to let go.

Knowing when to hold on and when to let go is more complicated than we ever imagined it would be. That’s because daughters trick you at first. When they are toddlers, they hold on to you pretty tightly and make you believe they are never going to let go. So you do what a dad should do, you hold on too. They may wander off a few feet, but they always come running back.

When they become young children, they act like they believe everything you say. They want you to be there for them at their games, their plays, and every other important moment. They need your affirmation. So you keep holding on, because you want to lead them and guard their heart.

Then somewhere around middle school, they start teasing you. They let go when you are not expecting it, and they do it more often than you feel like they should. They even start behaving like they expect you to let go more, but they never really tell you when you should let go or when you should hold on. Somehow, you are just supposed to know. It’s really confusing. The complexity of decisions can put you in a daze as a father.

Without warning, they become teenagers and start moving toward adulthood at warp speed. That’s when there’s a temptation to panic. You don’t want them to see it, but it feels like there is so much at stake. These years can fluster even the best of dads.

Personally, I know there was a tendency for me to hold on too tightly when I should have let go, and a tendency to let go too soon when I should have held on. The problem is there is no textbook, parenting seminar, or 24-hour counselor to explain exactly when you’re supposed to let go and exactly when you’re supposed to hold on.

So you do the only thing you know to do. You guess. You pray. You feel your way through every decision.

Sometimes you get it right. Sometimes you don’t. But you never stop trying to figure it out. Because of ONE primary reason: she’s your daughter. And you want her to know that you will never stop fighting for her future and for your relationship with her.

Mark, you have always had an amazing reputation for loving your girls. You have proven over and over again that they are a priority to you. All the while in the back of your mind, you have carried this secret that one day you will have to let Kristi go. Now that day is here. And you will have to choose to trust someone else to hold on to her.

In just a second, you will let go when you walk back to your seat. This may be the only time in your life as a dad when it is crystal clear that you have to let go. And I know when you leave her side and go sit over there by Colette, there will still be a piece of you standing here. But by doing this, you are letting every dad in on the secret of fatherhood.

This is a stewardship. God gives you your daughters for a moment in time and then you have to let go and let someone else hold on.

So Mark, who gives Kristi to be married to JR?”

Show Some Respect!

Friday, September 14th, 2012

My daughter recently enrolled in a tae kwon do class for a couple of months. Besides now having the ability to fend off her bigger brother with the threat of a karate chop, she came out of it more confident and surprisingly more respectful. She started responding to everything we would ask her to do with a decisive, “Ma’am, yes, ma’am!” and “Sir, yes, sir!” And then she would go do it quickly and with great pleasure! We, her parents, would just look at each other and marvel. It was beautiful!

This was in direct contrast to our son, who was in this phase in which he would question, delay, and whine at every request. Besides wanting to enroll my son in the class immediately, this got me to thinking about the idea of respect.

While I don’t want to make my kids feel like they are in the military, I do want them to show respect for their father and me and for all those who are in authority over them. And the primary way children show respect for authority figures is by how they treat us.

I’m sure we’ve all seen children who backtalk or even scream at their parents; and like me, you may cringe when parents let that happen. Or maybe there have been times when you’re the parent whose child treats you disrespectfully and you wonder how it got that way. Perhaps you don’t even notice and you think it’s normal.

I think it’s easy as parents to become numb to the way our kids treat us. Over time, we start picking our battles, and there may be occasions in which we choose the wrong ones. Or perhaps we attempt to be their friends (instead of their parents), and we focus too much on what makes them “happy.”

But in the end, don’t both kids and parents lose when this happens? Eventually, children will show disrespect to the “wrong person” (which can lead to big trouble), and they still won’t respect us as their parents. When we teach our kids to respect others, especially those in authority, we set them up for success rather than failure.

Now, I’m sure as much as we reinforce the practice of respect at home, kids will leak out the disrespect they pick up from their friends, from what they watch on television, and from what they observe in culture.

Just yesterday, my son came home appalled by the way his 4^th grade classmate treated his teacher, cussing at her for confiscating a toy. (It didn’t end well for the guy.) I was glad he was appalled. I was too! Then I took him to football practice and watched him question his coach on the sideline in a disrespectful way.

I’m glad we are focusing on the idea of respect this month, not because I now want to force my children to treat me like I want them to treat me (and run the risk of having them rebel against authority later). My goal is to keep them in check, for their own good. I want to speak into their hearts now: to set them up for success later. I want them to know how to treat others and respect even those who may seem undeserving. I want them to go out into the world and love people.

I would love to hear your thoughts as I begin to have more of these conversations with my children.

How are you teaching your kids the importance of showing respect to authority?

Karen Wilson works at Orange as Reggie Joiner’s assistant and Manager/Editor of OrangeParents.org. She and her husband Mark have two children, Elijah (9) and Sara (7).

Piano Lessons

Monday, September 10th, 2012

By Cara Martens

Like many kids, I was enrolled in piano lessons at a young age. For the most part, I liked it. Not that I liked practicing, but luckily I could cram beforehand and usually finesse my way through. I had the same piano teacher my last few years in elementary school and most of middle school. I’m realizing now that she was a genius. And her approach taught me a lot more than just piano.

In middle school, I started to really focus in on just a few interests. Friends and homework were taking up more time than ever. My passion and interest in piano was really starting to fade. The music was getting more complex, making it very obvious that I wasn’t putting in enough time on that piano bench at home practicing.

And I’ll be honest (at the risk of offending a few of you), I really couldn’t get into the classical music that more advanced students typically play. And that’s when my piano teacher did something so smart.

I remember that one day, during a particularly brutal lesson, I just stopped and dropped my hands in my lap. I blurted out that it just wasn’t fun anymore. Now this was a big deal for a people pleaser who hated to disappoint others.

My teacher could have responded that having fun wasn’t the point. She could have taken that opportunity to talk to me about discipline. She could have told me to ignore my feelings—to just do it anyway.

But she didn’t. She jumped up from her chair and started digging in another drawer of sheet music. Her face lit up when she found the one she wanted. I can still remember all the notes and how hard the rhythms looked when she passed it to me with excitement. It was my first taste of jazz! And I was hooked.

Do you know what that change of pace did? It bought me another year or two of sticking with piano. My teacher knew that jazz was just as challenging as classical music, just in a different way. And it was something I could get into, that didn’t make practice something to just get through.

And lately, I’ve found myself drawn to the piano just sitting there unused in the corner. I have a feeling that when I dust off those keys and begin to remember what I loved about losing myself in a piece of music, that my daughter might change her tune. You see, I’ve been offering to get her lessons, but so far she’s not really interested. But that’s okay, I’ve got the big picture in mind.

I want both of my kids to appreciate music, but there’s a lot of ways and plenty of time to get there. I don’t have to force it. The more I can turn up the fun, the better the chances that she’ll want to try it.

What can you try with your kids to bring a new energy and fresh excitement into something that may not yet be appealing or that has gotten routine? Comment below.

Cara Martens is the 252 Groups Director at Orange. She loves to write, research, and develop creative ideas. Cara and her husband, Kevin, have two kids and live in Texas.