Orange Parents

Earlier this week, we talked about how important it is to find other trusted adults who will have an influence on your children. We suggested several places to look: educators, people with interesting jobs, extended family members. While it might seem to just make sense that we’d want other voices saying the same thing we as parents are, our research shows that usually this just isn’t a priority.

In the State of the Church and Family Report we commissioned with The Barna Group, only a quarter of the parents said they place a high priority on finding other adults to speak into the lives of their children and teens. Of those who do, here are some of the ways:

• Connect kids with family members and grandparents
• Encourage involvement in church or a youth group
• Enroll in extracurricular activities, like sports or Scouts
• Participate in community service and volunteerism

Unfortunately, even when parents take these actions steps, they don’t go far enough. One-fifth are intentional about family connections. Ten percent actively encourage sports and clubs where coaches and leaders can take mentoring roles. Overall, only five percent articulate the importance of volunteering to help others.

Even though many parents responded that they want other adults to positively influence their children, they aren’t intentional about what it takes to make that happen.

Interestingly, parents who don’t regularly attend church are twice as likely as church-going parents to introduce their kids to a trusted adult mentor. And parents who do go to church are twice as likely as nonchurch-going parents to encourage their kids to volunteer.

So in light of the need to create space for others to meaningfully influence our families, what steps should we be taking to make sure multiple voices are saying to our kids they same things we want them to hear from us? Is it intentional, or is it accidental?

During the holiday season, opportunities for such interaction will happen naturally. How can you plan in advance now to turn those times around the tree into transforming moments?

Here’s a simple question to start thinking about, “Who are the other adults in your kids’ lives?” Personally, I think one of the biggest mistakes a parent can make is to try to parent alone.

You should reject any notion that you are the only adult influence your kids will ever need. Reality suggests that, as your children grow up, they will look for approval and affirmation from someone other than you as a parent. So, the choice is simple. Either you are strategic about who else you will invite into their life, or they will pursue relationships with other adults on their own. But it will happen. It’s normal and natural for kids to desire a degree of attention from other adults or parents.

It is also important to realize that most research indicates that kids who have other significant adults investing in their life during their teenage years are better prepared emotionally and spiritually.

So, what will you do? You can resist, cooperate or compliment your children’s transition toward adulthood. Think about it, if your goal is to raise an adult who is independent of you, then you should start now. If you don’t like the idea of your children becoming independent from you then you may be parenting with a wrong motive.

But if you hope to unleash your kids to discover their potential, then open doors for your kids to connect to other adults. Why don’t you start by making a list of potential adults that could build a short-term or long-term relationship with your children.

Parenting with this in mind can make the difference in whether or not you limit the growth of your children, personally, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. Here are some categories to help you start thinking.

• ADULTS WHO SHARE INTERESTS
Find someone who specializes in something your kids are already interested in doing. (Look for a friend who shares their interest in art, guitar, carpentry, birds, baseball, etc.)

Don’t limit their experiences to what you enjoy.

• ADULTS WITH SPECIFIC SKILLS
Find someone who can help them develop a critical skill for adulthood. Look for a friend who is good at managing money, health and fitness, cooking, etc.

Don’t limit their skill to what you are good at doing.

• ADULTS WHO ARE EDUCATORS
You would be surprised at how many of your friends were teachers or are presently teachers. Who can you invite into your kids’ lives to help them in their education? Look for friends who can inspire and temporarily tutor them in math, science, history, etc.

Don’t limit their learning to what you know.

• ADULTS WHO BUILD FAITH
Find mentors or coaches who can help them grow spiritually. This is where a good church is important. Look for a church that strives to put consistent leaders in the lives of your kids. Attending church consistently allows your children to bond with other adults who will help shape their faith.

Don’t limit their faith to what you have discovered about God.

• ADULTS WITH INTERESTING CAREERS
Other adults can broaden their imagination about the kind of career they can have one day. Look for any opportunity that can expose them to understanding what people who may be wired like them do as a profession.

Don’t limit their concept of work to what you do.

• ADULTS FROM DIFFERENT BACKGROUNDS
Spending time with other adults who are from a different ethnic background can also play a critical role in how your kids treat and respect others. A significant part of their adult life will be interacting and working with people who are different than they are.

Don’t limit their view of the world to what you see.

• ADULTS WHO ARE EXTENDED FAMILY
Something interesting happens to a child’s understanding of their family story when they hear your parents or siblings talk about you. It has a way of connecting them to a bigger family dynamic. It is always valuable to recruit key adults in your extended family to build relationships with your kids. They can usually be trusted to definitely have your children’s best interests at stake. Who are the adults in your extended family that can give your kids a sense of who they are and where they came from?

Don’t limit the connection to their family’s story to what you tell them.

Some of these leaders can be enlisted to help your kids with a specific task or on a short-term basis. Others can and will have long-term influence. Just remember the greatest thing that you do for you child may be what you get another adult to do.

Earlier this week we said that one way to see where your children are heading in life is to look at their friends and the people who influence them. Your closest friends are a preview of the future you.

Now, I totally understand that will cause some of us to worry. Not that we need another reason to worry–many of us hardly have difficulty finding reasons to panic. But read on…help is closer than you think.

If you’re worrying, what do you do? After all, there’s an organic quality to friendship that you just can’t manage. As much as parents love to control things, we can’t really influence who our child likes.

So what can you do to encourage your child to move in a different direction relationally? The younger they are, the more influence you have on their relational circle. But one day our kids will be on their own and 100 percent able to choose who they hang out with. What do you do between the toddler and college years that’s healthy and not overbearing?

Here are a few suggestions:

Have an honest conversation. It’s not unreasonable or overbearing to talk to your kids in their early elementary years (and every few years after that) about the importance of their friends and how they impact the quality and direction of their life.

Create conditions. You can’t control a child’s every moment as they move into the teen years (nor should you try to), but you can create conditions for healthy relationships. Create stricter limits (tighter curfews and parameters) when the friends they are hanging out with are questionable, and freer permissions when they are with kids who exercise better choices is a fair strategy. It’s probably more important to be generous with the “good” influences than it is to be especially punitive with the questionable influences.

Widen the circle. There are at least two ways to help broaden the positive relationships in your child or teens’ life:

Small Group. Many churches offer Small Groups for kids that provide a consistent group of peers who know each other and are moving in a good direction. The kids in their group may or may not become their best friends, but their influence can be powerful nonetheless.

Another Adult Saying the Same Things You Would Say. In addition to a Small Group Leader, you might consider inviting other adults into your child’s life. A few days ago, I met a woman named Vicki who noticed numerous girls in the 7th grade who needed more than just the influence of a Small Group Leader. So she decided to ask the girls’ parents for permission to hang out with them more regularly. She started attending their games, went out trick-or-treating with them and started tracking with them on Facebook.

The result? They loved her influence so much that when Vicki ended up moving across the country recently for a new job, the kids made her promise she would keep in touch and even do a regular Skype Bible study with them. Now that’s influence.

Two questions to wrap up. First, do you think you could be a Vicki in someone’s life?  Seriously. Who do you know who’s looking for guidance?

Second, what would you add to this list? What other healthy ways have you seen to help steer your kids into relationships that nurture them in what matters most?

My children are now twenty-six, twenty-four, twenty-two, and twenty years old. I am more convinced than ever that the leaders who have invested in my son and daughters during their elementary and teenage years have had critical influence. Those were important years that have affected their concept of God. There are countless stories and faces of the people who have influenced their faith and molded their views, people who will be lifelong friends to them.

As important as their teenage years were, this stage is different. The stakes are extremely high. Over the past couple of years I have watched my kids struggle with college and career choices, establish new friends, move into their own spaces, move back home again, date, and in a couple of instances go through heartbreaking situations that emptied them emotionally. The one thing I am most grateful for during this phase is the adult men and women who invest in my children’s lives. I am smart enough to know that I am not the only leader they need to help them navigate these years.

I decided a long time ago to look for opportunities to encourage them to connect with mentors and leaders our family could trust to be wise voices in their worlds. At some point in my life, I realized I should be involved in doing the same thing I hoped other people would do for my children. I have watched college-aged people wait tables, manage retail stores, hang out at movie theaters and coffee shops, and I’ve seen they are almost always with their peers. It seems like they disappear in the eyes of the adult population that walks by them or orders from them or sits next to them.

Something has changed in me over the past decade when I see someone in this age bracket. When I meet someone who is college-aged, I think about my kids, then I think about their parents, and I wonder what I can do that would reflect what I would want another adult to do if this were my son or daughter. It’s not that I am extremely gracious or noble; it’s just that I am a dad and I have children, and I know adults who care about my kids. So I tend to care about other people’s kids; it’s just contagious that way. I have this tendency to tell every adult I meet to consider investing in someone who is college-aged.

So here’s the question for parents of all ages: Who is the college-aged person in your life you need to adopt?

Geoffrey Canada - Photo by Reggie Joiner

Some kids can’t be forgiven.

That’s an awful thought. I’m not suggesting a child can do something so bad they can never be forgiven. It’s just that some kids grow up in a relational context so dysfunctional they never experience the power of authentic reconciliation.

I recently had the opportunity to talk with Geoffrey Canada about children who grow up in disadvantaged environments. Canada is an education reformer who grew up in Harlem, went to Harvard and came back to Harlem to start the Harlem Children’s Zone. He has dedicated his life to give kids a better chance. He helps them get into college and into a better quality of life. In his book, “Reaching Up for Manhood,” Canada describes the void that exists where there are no caring adults to demonstrate forgiveness to kids.

According to Canada, kids need to grow up with a certain level of failure so they can understand it’s possible to move beyond their mistakes. They need to know that they can be forgiven, not only by their parents but by others adults as well.  He says churches can be key in providing the missing ingredient of forgiveness in the lives of kids.

Why should this be important to you as a parent? It’s just another reason you should “widen the circle” for children so they can experience a broader span of forgiveness from other adults.

Canada says we should “make sure there are always other people in a boy’s life who haven’t given up on him, a family member, a teacher, or a mentor. I know from experience that if adults hang in there, boys often do change.”

He also gives some practical advice on what to say and not to say. He says “we always give them the message of salvation and forgiveness with our chastisements.” Canada says too many kids hear phrases like ‘There’s no hope for you” or “You’ll never change.’” Canada says this is where churches make a difference: “This is what many faith leaders are good at saying to young people: ‘I know you can change.’”

We will all need to restart our life from time to time. When a child has a first-hand encounter with grace and forgiveness, it builds a sense of hope they can get another chance.

New York City, NY - Photo by Reggie Joiner

What is it about Christmas lights that are so intriguing? I heard about one neighborhood in Oregon that decorates with Christmas lights. They have claimed that nearly 80,000 vehicles will line up this week and take the one-mile drive to experience the wonder. There is something enchanting about glittering rows of lights arranged strategically to illuminate and create a magical atmosphere. I have developed the habit over the last few years to take a few after-midnight drives through small towns or neighborhoods that have mastered the art of decorating with lights.

There always seems to be a flood of memories and ideas that surface in the quiet of the night, surrounded by points of light everywhere. A few nights ago while I was walking in New York City, I happened on an arrangement of light bulbs a designer had used in a display to showcase some old fashioned Christmas tree ornaments. I snapped a shot and forgot about the picture until last week. For some reason when I downloaded it, it made me think about a handful of people who have been key in illuminating my life.

They are the significant people inside and outside my family who have loved me and influenced me through decades of defining moments. So I have decided to start making a list of people who have shown me some unique light in my life. You wouldn’t know most of their names, but their influence and encouragement has rescued me personally a number of times. Here are a few names, outside of my family, that made my “over a decade” list:

Wayne Braswell
Mike Jeffries
Kevin Ragsdale
Andy Stanley
Larry Thompson
Colette Taylor
Betsy Wright
Greg Payne
Joel Manby
Howard and Karen Odom
David Salyers
Lanny Donoho

The list is not complete yet and there is no order of priority. (That’s an obvious disclaimer if your name is not on the list yet.) I just wanted to reflect on how they have each been a point of light in my life, and to encourage you to think about those who have inspired you. It’s important for you kids to know how other people have influenced you so they will learn to value the right kind of influences in their life. So start making a list. I promise you that your children will need multiple points of light as they grow up as well. Always remember as a parent that you are not the only light your children will need.

Who has inspired you? Who else, besides you, is inspiring your children?

Photo by Reggie Joiner

Several years ago, I met an elderly neurologist who taught me something about wisdom and age. She had actually had quite a few negative experiences with Christians, and by the time she figured out that I was one, it was too late – we were already friends. One day we were talking about decision-making and she said, “I bet I can explain something in the Bible to you that you have never heard.” She was obviously very intelligent, so I responded, “Sure, let me hear it.”

She went on to explain that there’s a passage in Titus that implies those who are older should mentor or train those who are younger. And then she asked me if I understood why. I suggested that I had always figured it was because people become smarter with age. Then she smiled and said, “A good neurologist knows the real scientific reason why.”

She continued to explain that the brain should sometimes be thought of as a filing cabinet. When you are young and you encounter an issue or problem, you reach into the limited amount of files that you have accumulated, grab your best solution, and respond to your situation. As you age, you collect quite a number of files, because the brain has a lot of storage capacity. So when an older person encounters a complicated situation, their brain actually sorts through millions of files before it comes to the file that it needs. The process of sifting through those files actually causes your decision to be filtered through a lot of information that a younger brain just doesn’t have access to yet. Older people have the potential to make wiser decisions because of the way their brain is processing information.  So in that way, you really do think better with age. Then she smiled and said, “That’s why you’re smart if you learn to listen to someone who is older.”

When I look around at young parents or leaders, sometimes I wonder who they have invited into their decision-making who has a little history. Who have you invited? Just remember it’s just smarter to think older sometimes.