Orange Parents

New York City, NY - Photo by Reggie Joiner

What is it about Christmas lights that are so intriguing? I heard about one neighborhood in Oregon that decorates with Christmas lights. They have claimed that nearly 80,000 vehicles will line up this week and take the one-mile drive to experience the wonder. There is something enchanting about glittering rows of lights arranged strategically to illuminate and create a magical atmosphere. I have developed the habit over the last few years to take a few after-midnight drives through small towns or neighborhoods that have mastered the art of decorating with lights.

There always seems to be a flood of memories and ideas that surface in the quiet of the night, surrounded by points of light everywhere. A few nights ago while I was walking in New York City, I happened on an arrangement of light bulbs a designer had used in a display to showcase some old fashioned Christmas tree ornaments. I snapped a shot and forgot about the picture until last week. For some reason when I downloaded it, it made me think about a handful of people who have been key in illuminating my life.

They are the significant people inside and outside my family who have loved me and influenced me through decades of defining moments. So I have decided to start making a list of people who have shown me some unique light in my life. You wouldn’t know most of their names, but their influence and encouragement has rescued me personally a number of times. Here are a few names, outside of my family, that made my “over a decade” list:

Wayne Braswell
Mike Jeffries
Kevin Ragsdale
Andy Stanley
Larry Thompson
Colette Taylor
Betsy Wright
Greg Payne
Joel Manby
Howard and Karen Odom
David Salyers
Lanny Donoho

The list is not complete yet and there is no order of priority. (That’s an obvious disclaimer if your name is not on the list yet.) I just wanted to reflect on how they have each been a point of light in my life, and to encourage you to think about those who have inspired you. It’s important for you kids to know how other people have influenced you so they will learn to value the right kind of influences in their life. So start making a list. I promise you that your children will need multiple points of light as they grow up as well. Always remember as a parent that you are not the only light your children will need.

Who has inspired you? Who else, besides you, is inspiring your children?

Photo by Reggie Joiner

Several years ago, I met an elderly neurologist who taught me something about wisdom and age. She had actually had quite a few negative experiences with Christians, and by the time she figured out that I was one, it was too late – we were already friends. One day we were talking about decision-making and she said, “I bet I can explain something in the Bible to you that you have never heard.” She was obviously very intelligent, so I responded, “Sure, let me hear it.”

She went on to explain that there’s a passage in Titus that implies those who are older should mentor or train those who are younger. And then she asked me if I understood why. I suggested that I had always figured it was because people become smarter with age. Then she smiled and said, “A good neurologist knows the real scientific reason why.”

She continued to explain that the brain should sometimes be thought of as a filing cabinet. When you are young and you encounter an issue or problem, you reach into the limited amount of files that you have accumulated, grab your best solution, and respond to your situation. As you age, you collect quite a number of files, because the brain has a lot of storage capacity. So when an older person encounters a complicated situation, their brain actually sorts through millions of files before it comes to the file that it needs. The process of sifting through those files actually causes your decision to be filtered through a lot of information that a younger brain just doesn’t have access to yet. Older people have the potential to make wiser decisions because of the way their brain is processing information.  So in that way, you really do think better with age. Then she smiled and said, “That’s why you’re smart if you learn to listen to someone who is older.”

When I look around at young parents or leaders, sometimes I wonder who they have invited into their decision-making who has a little history. Who have you invited? Just remember it’s just smarter to think older sometimes.

Scott Harrison, founder of charity: water, has a simple mission – to provide clean water to the one billion who need it on our planet. Did you know that dirty water kills more people every year than all forms of violence, including war?

Just google the name Riley Goodfellow and charitywater.org and you will be inspired by what an 8 year-old girl can do. She beat the odds when she raised $15,000 to build wells for people who need clean water by eating beans and rice for 25 days. We introduced her to a host of leaders at the Catalyst Conference last week. Twelve thousand adults were taught by a child why its important to put others first. Here is the beginning of her story.

Sometimes adults just need to become like children, and try to do something that doesn’t seem possible. Kids like Riley tend to challenge us to stop making excuses for not helping others. For a parent, I guess the real lesson here is this: Don’t underestimate the potential of your children to make a meaningful sacrifice to help someone in need.

A number of people are taking the challenge to “give up their birthday for clean water.”  (see www.charitywater.org) Whether you want to help build wells or feed the hungry, look for creative ways to keep your family involved in serving and caring for the world around them.

When we talk about parents finding partners to help them parent beyond their capacity, we are drawn again and again to the church.  That’s at the heart of the Orange vision...the color red represents the heart of family, while the color yellow represents the light of Christ, the church.

Combined, these two influences make a greater impact together than they ever do alone – we see things happen that couldn’t happen otherwise.  Orange is just a fresh way of expressing God’s desire to use the combined influences of church and family together. The original vision goes back to Deuteronomy 6.

It’s not just the idea that the church does what church does and the family does what family does. Simply  having families and churches build faith into the lives of our children itself doesn’t release the potential of Orange.  The true potential of Orange gets released when church leaders and families work on the same thing at the same time with the same strategy.

Think of it this way…my younger son Sam loves sports.  He’s had some great coaches, but he has a strategy challenged dad.  I love sports, but I never played as a kid.  I had to learn what an offside was at the same time he did.  That makes me feel like he’s at a disadvantage at home.  When we throw the football in the backyard, he’s showing me how to throw a spiral.  The best advice I can give him before a game is “get in there and play hard”. Encouraging?  Sure.  Helpful?  Not really.

Now no coach has ever done this (yet), but imagine if coaches sent a strategy book and practice manual home for parents.  Learning about football is one thing.  I could get into that.  I might not be able to do everything, but I could do something.  I could at least say “Hey…let’s head outside and gets those 20 wind sprints done together today.”

That’s what a church leader can do for a parent. It goes far beyond that, but a true partnership between church leaders and parents can release things that otherwise would never be released.

Two questions:  How has church helped you in your journey as a parent?  And what would you love for church leaders to help you with that we haven’t helped you with yet?

Over the next few weeks you will see some changes in our Orange Parents blog. One new addition, thanks to hours of work by our IT department, is the Church Finder. You might be wondering why we would put a church finder on a parenting blog. It’s simply because we want to give parents a practical way to “widen the circle.” We believe the church can be a positive influence in the lives of families, and that a community of faith is an important partner to parents. Both Carey and I as leaders, value the role of family and church as primary influences in the next generation.

We have learned that church is one of the best places to find other adult leaders who can have a positive influence in the lives of your kids. At our conferences and tour stops around the country, we work with thousands of churches from a variety of different denominations. This Church Finder represents a range of churches that are presently involved in what we consider to be an “Orange” strategy.  They range from large churches that have thousands of attendees, to smaller churches of a few hundred. There are over 50 different denominations listed who all believe…

Jesus is who He said He was -
He is the Son of God who died for our sins and rose again.

That what the Bible says is true -
We can trust the integrity of Scripture to be God’s Word.

We will all live somewhere forever -
There is a Heaven where those who trust in Jesus will live for eternity.

Here’s an important note. We cannot guarantee that all of these churches will look, act, or think alike. They do not all agree about everything. We actually hope they never do, so that there is variety in the community of faith. The purpose of the Church Finder is not to put a stamp of approval on any church, it’s just to give anyone who is looking for a church a better chance of finding one that thinks “Orange” or that is partnering in a positive way with the family.

At this time there are symbols below each church listed to notate which part of the Orange strategy it is implementing. We hope this feature will make it easier for parents who re-locate and who live in a specific region to connect with a community of faith.

Every church on this list may not be a perfect fit for your family. So it’s okay to visit until you find one you like. There are also some incredible churches that partner with families and are not on the list. As we build the list, we would love for you to email us the name of a church we should add. Just include practical reasons how they partner with families.

Do you think it’s important for a family to connect to a church or community of faith? If so, why?

Pursue strategic relationships for your son or daughter.

In a culture where community is not automatic and there are limited role models, parents should become intentional about finding spiritual leaders and mentors for their kids. Every son and daughter needs other adults in their lives who will say things that reflect what a parent would say. One of the smartest things moms and dads can
do is to participate in a church where they can find the right kind of adult influences for their kids.

Here is a piece of research that might interest some of you as parents:

Teens who had at least one adult from church make a significant time investment in their lives …were more likely to keep attending church. More of those who stayed in church—by a margin of 46 percent to 28 percent—said five or more adults at church had invested time with them personally and spiritually.

I have observed a lot of teenagers. From the time they hit middle school, they start moving away from home. They are not doing anything wrong; it’s just the way they are made. They are becoming independent, and they begin redefining themselves through the eyes of other people who are not in their immediate family. The older they get, the more important it is for them to have other voices in their lives saying the same things but in a different way. Teenage sons and daughters need to have other voices speaking into their worlds.

Excerpt from Parenting Beyond your Capacity, p.66

Do you think it’s important to widen the circle? Why?

by Kara Powell

If I were to ask your kids, what would they say is at the heart of what it means to be part of your family?

When our firstborn was still in the womb, we settled upon four phrases that summarize our deepest desires for who our family is and will become.  They capture who Dave and I want to be also.

We pray that the Lord make us…

Leaders and learners

People of gentle strength (Dave’s better at this one than me)

Content risk-takers

Folks who love and serve God and others

This last phrase is the uber-prayer.  It’s the linchpin from which the other three flow.  If we had to pick just one phrase to pray, it would be that we Powells are folks who love and serve God and others.

Last month I met a family that shares this longing that their kids have a heart for service.  They have made a commitment as a family to help folks who are homeless not by giving them money but by buying them groceries instead.  As their daughters were growing up, the parents constantly explained to the girls, “Our family does not give money when we are approached on the street.  We buy food instead.”

Their seventeen year-old daughter was recently approached by a man who was homeless and asked her for food.   Even though she was by herself, she repeated the family party line to him:  “Our family does not give money.  We buy food instead.”  She spent her own money to buy him groceries.

As the daughter retold the story to her mom, her mom waited with baited breath, wondering if her daughter would ask her to reimburse her the money she had spent.

The daughter didn’t.

Her commitment to Kingdom justice was deep.

Kara Powell, PhD, is the Executive Director of the Fuller Youth Institute (FYI) and a faculty member at Fuller Theological Seminary (see www.fulleryouthinstitute.org).  As a twenty year youth ministry veteran, she speaks regularly at youth ministry conferences and is the author or co-author of a number of books including Deep Justice Journeys, Essential Leadership, Deep Justice in a Broken World, Deep Ministry in a Shallow World, and the Good Sex Youth Ministry Curriculum.

Most moms and dads are ready to fight the battle for their children’s safety and future as soon as they are born. Parents will buckle them into car seats that fit like plastic straitjackets, construct beds and play zones with prison bars, hook their arms to an expandable leash to walk through the mall, and install video surveillance systems so their children can be monitored from every room. Parents are programmed to protect and provide. We feel responsible to make sure we have the kind of boundaries that will keep children safe.

Over time parents become convinced their primary job is protection, so we make rules, set limits, and put up fences because that is what we are supposed to do. We are parents. We will insulate, isolate, and segregate our kids from everything we think might be a threat. It is easy for us to become more concerned about their safety than we do their faith. It is possible to sacrifice the very things they need to learn and the things they should experience by our zeal to protect them.

But living this way and parenting this way demands the question: What happens one day when they are on their own? when they leave for college?  when they enter the working world? when they get married? when they are challenged to sacrifice for the sake of others?

They were meant to be a part of an adventurous story. This is a mission that requires them to engage with culture in order to rescue a generation of hurting and disconnected people. If you are a leader or parent remember this:

The family and church were not primarily designed to protect children, but to set them free to demonstrate God’s love to a broken world.