Fight for the heart « Orange Parents

PARENTING TOPIC: Fight for the heart

Preparing Your Kids for Life Online

Friday, January 27th, 2012

Almost every parent I know worries about technology and their kids.

When should my child get a phone? Facebook? Be allowed to game? Get their own tablet or computer? How do I know what’s really going on?

I think our natural default as parents is to think about imposing external limits. And external limits absolutely have a place. It’s good to monitor content, set age limits, establish maximum screen times and more.

But three things in the last five years have changed how all of us–including our kids–interact with technology:

1. The rise of broadband. Can we just say you can access a lot more with high speed connections, a lot more quickly, than on dial-up?

2. The emergence of mobile. Everyone has access, everywhere.

3. The influence of social networks. A big part of life has moved online, 24/7, and the pull is almost irresistible.

Five years ago, what your kids saw and did was so much easier to control externally. A family computer in a central location in the house with browser controls and parents nearby made it much easier to control where your kids went online. Limit screen time and voila, you had a policy.

Smartphones, tablets, netbooks and laptops require a completely different strategy. Most kids can be online all the time, wherever they go. And most of them are.

So what do you do?

I think one of the biggest shifts we can make as parents is to help our kids develop internal values that character brings, not just be guided by the external limits a parent imposes. Character, more than externally imposed limits, has the greatest potential to transform our children’s lives online. The difference is important:

External limits say you avoid things because somebody’s looking; character says you avoid them because it’s the right thing to do.

External limits restrict screen time because your dad imposed a schedule; character limits your screen time because you realize there are other important things in life.

External limits say you restrict your browsing because others won’t let you go there; character says you restrict your browsing because you won’t let yourself go there.

Externally imposed limits never carry the power of internally imposed values, because eventually we all get to a place where no one else is looking. Every child grows up and moves out of the house. And if all they’ve had are externally enforced limits, it might be a long time before they realize that some things are simply not wise or good, even if they are permissible. And with handheld devices exploding, external limits don’t work very well the moment your kids leave your sight.

It’s our values that will carry the day when no one’s looking. And with mobile, the times when no one’s looking are far more frequent than when someone is.

Don’t get me wrong, externally imposed limits have a place, especially when your kids are young. They are critical. But our goal is to prepare our children for adulthood. Eventually, it’s up to them.

Here are three suggestions that can help you start the character conversation with your child or teen:

1. Describe the online world as a place with ample good and also some bad. If you’re only negative about it, your kids won’t trust your judgment. They realize there is tremendous good available online.

2. Talk honestly about the limits of externally imposed guidelines. Explain that they’ll be in situations where it’s 100% up to them to decide what’s right and wrong, and help them prepare for those moments.

3. Encourage feedback from them about their time alone online. Some kids naturally want parental input, some naturally resist it. Create a safe dialogue where they can come to you honestly about what they’re struggling with. If you can refrain from judging them or lecturing them on the things they could have done differently, you’ll find they are much more willing to talk to you.

This is not at all a comprehensive list; this is new territory for many parents. So pipe in, how do you help your kids navigate the growing world of life online?

Disconnect to Reconnect Your Family

Wednesday, January 25th, 2012

I remember getting my first smartphone about seven years ago. It wasn’t much compared to what’s in the marketplace today, but I was mesmerized. I thought it was so amazing that you could text and email right off your phone and almost (emphasis on almost) browse the Web. Even at dinner. Even on vacation.

My family, however, was not nearly as amused. At dinner, they would tell me to put it away.

The novelty had not worn off on me, but there was no novelty at all to them. I really had a hard time understanding why it was such a problem.

That is until my wife and kids got their own phones, and I started feeling ignored. Suddenly, it dawned on me what they had been putting up with.

Technology is attractive, and as we said earlier, it’s not inherently evil. It can be used for good (even great) things. But you need to engage it intentionally.

Here’s why. Your children will tell you incessantly how much they want a phone, an iPad or a gaming system. What they won’t tell you is how much they want a relationship or how badly they need a relationship with you. And as parents, we can get so caught up in it all that we forget to fight for the heart of our spouses and children.

What I love about how my family responded to my first smartphone is that their instinct was to fight for their relationship with me. While I was connecting with lots of people, I wasn’t connecting with the most important people – my family. They fought for my heart. They were prioritizing the right things. I wish I had seen it earlier, but I’m so glad they saw it. And that they acted.

Over the last few years, we’ve made some changes in how we relate as a family in light of technology that is increasingly a part of our personal worlds.

Here are some things we do to make sure we stay connected as a family:

We shut off everything (except some background music) at dinner. No phones, no TV, just conversation and food. We try to eat at home together as a family 5-6 times a week.
We don’t use our phones in the car. Catch up on phone calls (handsfree, of course) when you’re alone, not when you’re with your spouse or kids. Being together in the car is a great chance to talk about things that you wouldn’t normally talk about. Similarly, I’ve never owned a vehicle with a DVD player in the back seats for that reason. Because we drive a lot, it probably adds 5 to 10 hours of quality time to our family life each week, not to mention some incredible road trip memories.
We play board games.
We look for activities to do together, whether that’s hiking, biking or boating. It gets us away and we invest in each other.
We have family and friends over – and linger over dinner.
We go on vacations together. It’s amazing to me how everyone instinctively puts their phones and other devices away when we’re on holiday. Sure, we google the next day’s activities, but vacation ramps up relationships very powerfully. Every year, we spend a week at a place where our phones don’t even work and there are no TVs. My kids call it their favourite place on earth.

Disconnecting like this helps us connect with each other.

How about you? What do you do to help you stay connected with each other?

Is Technology Killing Your Family?

Monday, January 23rd, 2012

I kind of like technology. You might say I’m a bit addicted.

Three people live in our house–me, my wife, and our teenage son. Ten years ago, we had one family computer that sat in the living room, and I had a laptop for work. Today, between the three of us, we have nine computer-ish devices–three smart phones, two tablets, two laptops, a PC and an iMac. Throw a couple of TVs and a gaming system into the mix and it’s, well, ridiculous.

Or is it? It is the 21^st Century after all. This scene gets played out all over North America. After dinner, your daughter is Facebooking her friends. Your son is gaming, obsessively trying to get to the next level. You’re on your laptop and your spouse is texting a friend while the two of you are watching TV.

The challenge this poses is simple: Everyone is connecting with someone—just not with the people in the room.

So, who’s to blame? It’s easy to finger technology for creating a relational disconnect. According to a recent study, only 35 percent of tweens and teens feel emotionally close to their dads, and only 59 percent feel emotionally close to their moms.

We can pretend that life was simpler back in the day before WIFI left no room unconnected. When you’re struggling to have a conversation with your kids, and between the Wii and YouTube you can’t get a word in edge-wise, it’s natural to think technology has killed your family.

I’m not sure it’s that simple. Here’s a question to wrestle with: What if technology isn’t good or evil, but simply reveals and amplifies what’s already there?

There may indeed be a relational disconnect, but many of us grew up in a home where the primary activity we shared decades ago was watching TV. (Ironically, that’s still the number one activity parents and teens engage in together today.) And more than a few of us grew up in homes where relationship was hard to come by. Many children of the sixties, seventies and eighties had parents who worked long hours, moms who were busy with friends, distracted by book clubs or endless housework, or dads who came home only to disappear to the golf course or to the garage to tinker all night. Distraction and disconnection aren’t new.

Maybe technology is simply revealing and amplifying a problem that’s been with us for awhile.

Which is why I’m so glad you’re with us this week on the blog: relationships within families are worth fighting for and technology doesn’t have to kill your family. In fact, technology gives us incredible opportunities and the potential for unprecedented connectedness. But like all things, it needs to be managed so it becomes a servant of what matters most–our relationship with God and each other.

Something else to think about: there’s a reasonable likelihood technology is here to stay. So, this week we’ll explore ways to approach technology that might help your family manage it well.

In the meantime, take some time to evaluate the state of relationship in your home. To get started, ask yourself this question:

If all the technology in your home was removed tomorrow, what would be left of your relationship with your family?

I realize that can be a tough question, but tough questions can lead us to great places relationally. Especially if, like me, you like technology.

So, if the power went out and the WIFI and cable went down, what would be left of the relationships in your home?

A Story Worth Telling

Monday, January 16th, 2012

Noah Smith - www.Noahsdad.com

Sometimes we don’t like the stories that we’re unwittingly or unwillingly written into. At other times, we realize that it may not be the story we imagined, but it’s our story and we’re going to find a way to live that story to its greatest potential.

Rick and Abbie Smith are examples of the “it’s our story and we’re going to live it well” idea.

When their son, Noah, was born with Down Syndrome, the Smiths realized they had a choice to make. That choice, to make a surprising story a better story for themselves and others, is being catalogued in Rick’s blog, NoahsDad.com.

Rick and Abbie want to change attitudes about children born with Down Syndrome, a condition that occurs when the body has an extra chromosome. That one chromosome makes a difference, but the bigger difference comes from people who aren’t exactly sure how to respond or react to those who have it.

NoahsDad.com is working to change that. Change comes when stories are told, and Rick realized that Noah’s story could be told in one-minute video segments and thoughtful blog posts from a father smitten with his infant son.

In one of his recent posts, Rick wrote about ”3 Things Our One-Year-Old Son Wants You to Know About the Power of Story.” What we can learn from this one-year-old applies to every area of our life where story is important, which is to say it’s important for every area of our life.

Here are the three things:

1) Your story is powerful.

2) Stories remove the veil of fear from people’s lives.

3) Hidden behind the veil of fear is hope.

“Your story has power,” Rick says.”Tell your story. Trust me. You may think no one is listening. You may think that no one cares. You may think your story doesn’t have any impact. You may think you don’t even have a story to tell. Guess what….you are wrong.”

Rick’s right. Many of us somehow know we have a story to tell. Some of us might even realize we have a great story to tell. But when a story has an edge of greatness about it, we might feel overwhelmed in trying to tell it. Rick’s telling an amazing, overwhelming story one minute at a time. He captures one moment one day, another moment the next day. When those moments are woven together, the story’s being told in its grand magnitude.

The Smith’s story is being heard. Just a couple of weeks ago, Rick praised a recent Target ad’s positive treatment of kids with Down Syndrome on his blog and it went viral. It has gotten coverage from news agencies and networks around the world, and in just in the last couple of weeks alone, millions have been introduced to Noah’s story.

As a parent, you’ve got a director’s chair view of the stories your children are living, and no one knows their stories better than you do. Take a cue from Rick and Abbie Smith. Help your kids interpret their story to realize that they are important, that they are loved, that they have a place, and that they have a powerful narrative to share with the rest of the world.

Twelve Keys to a Miserable Christmas

Monday, December 12th, 2011

Christmas is a bit nerve-wracking, isn’t it? I mean the stakes are high, and you’ve accumulated a few bad experiences along the way to remind you that things don’t always go as planned.

Despite our best intentions, Christmas is a high stress season with so much at stake. To raise the tension a little further, this may be your 35th Christmas, but it might only be your daughter’s fifth. I need to remind myself all the time that I’m writing the story of my kids’ childhood every day.

And we only get about 18 of these holidays before our kids grow up and leave home. So each one matters. Each Christmas is important. It might be just one more holiday for us grown-ups (special, as it is), but for kids, well, they’re like kids at Christmas.

So, how do you make Christmas better this year?

Sometimes the best way to figure out what works is to pay attention to what doesn’t work. In the spirit of Christmas, we thought we’d help. Here’s a list of 12 things guaranteed to help make Christmas miserable.

1. Head into Christmas exhausted, exposing your temper and nerves to everyonee.

2. Speak badly about other family members when they’re not in the room.

3. Overspend this Christmas trying to impress your kids with stuff they’ll throw away two years from now anyway.

4. Ignore the family members and neighbors who usually get ignored at this time of year anyway.

5. Focus the kids on what they’ll get for Christmas—not on what they could give.

6. Leave everything to the last minute so the tension runs high in the moments you should be making great memories.

7. If you share custody of your kids, be greedy in the time you want with the kids and try to outspend and outdo your ex.

8. Do nothing for the poor. Make it all about you and your wants.

9. Focus on what you don’t have, not on what you do have.

10. Obsess about the way your house looks and how perfect the meal needs to be.

11. Argue a lot over small things.

12. Let the celebration of Jesus end at church.

What has helped ruin your Christmases in the past? What do you do that helps you create great memories?

A Generous Heart

Friday, December 9th, 2011

Last week I sat in a training class for our early childhood team. The lady leading the training was fabulous.

She has been a teacher and a training consultant in the public school system for the last 40 years. She is also the mother of three grown children. In the middle of her training she dropped this sentence and boy has it stuck with me. She said,

“Overindulgence obliterates gratitude.”

She went on to say that through the years she noticed a real trend in parents who overindulge their children. Her feeling was that this was usually driven by guilt. Maybe it was due to the guilt of working too much, or guilt due to painful family issues, or a sense that their child didn’t have everything in life that other friends’ children had.

I also just got back from a mission trip to China where I worked with children who had nothing. No home, no toys, no parents. Nothing. Talk about feeling guilty! It’s been really difficult for me to reconcile all of the things that I give my children and yet know that there are children in other places who have so much less.

At the heart of it all, I want my children to learn to live with less so that they can give to others who need their help and I want them to be grateful for the things that they have. I have to believe that there is a strong tie between the abundance of “stuff” that they get and the tenderness of their heart to the needs of others.

So, here are a few things that I’m trying this year as we head into the Christmas season:

1. Share the true need. Take time to help your kids understand the great needs of many people in our world. Or better yet, be specific. Find a specific need and focus in with your family. Help them understand.

My youngest daughter went on the trip to China with me and together we sat down with our family, shared our pictures, shared our tears, and communicated the true and desperate need.

2. Talk about a way to meet that need. As a family, brainstorm different ways that you could meet that need. What can you DO to meet that need?

We are going to sit together as a family and decide together what we can give to help those sweet babies in China.

3. Give the family ownership. Let your kids help make the decision of what you will do. This could be a wonderful mission for your family to rally together. But your kids have to feel like they are a part. Find a way to invest that is more than parents writing a check.

Our family is going to talk in general terms about our budget and decide what we can give up to make sure we are giving to China. Our kids are old enough to help us make these decisions.

4. Limit gifts. As my kids have gotten older, the gifts are more expensive. I love to give my kids the things that they want, don’t you? But Gary and I are going to be careful not to overindulge their wants.

I want my kids to have a wonderful Christmas, but not at the expense of developing a generous and grateful heart. Stuff breaks, rusts, and gets thrown to the bottom of the closet eventually. I want to nurture in them a desire to invest their lives and their resources into things that will last forever.

These are the Good Old Days

Thursday, November 17th, 2011

Remember the good old days?

What did they look like for you? For me, summer afternoons were spent heading down to the creek to play with some of my best friends. Every day I would ride my banana seat bike up and down our cul-de-sac road. There was a dirt pile near the willow tree on a lot nearby that provided endless hours of mindless fun. My grandparents lived two doors down. They always had candy, cookies, ginger ale and some great stories to tell. I remember standing on my bed looking out my window on long summer nights, wishing I could still be playing outside.

Those were the good old days.

It’s funny to me that almost every generation looks back on the good old days with some nostalgia. Whether you are in your twenties or fifties, most of us parents yearn for times we remember that seemed simpler, less complicated and just, well, better.

Strangely, the era I’m describing as my good old days was marked by corruption in the White House, the war in Vietnam, race riots, an oil crisis and rising inflation and unemployment. I’m sure my parents felt the tension (they were immigrants trying to raise a family) and the newspapers of the time complained about how horrible things had gotten. In the 70s people longed for the 50s. But I had no clue. I was a kid. And those were the good old days.

Ever think about this? These are the good old days for your kids.

They probably don’t feel that way to you. You’re likely as stressed as you’ve ever been. Life has never seemed so complicated. Friends you know are going through family breakup and career crises. And some days you feel like you can barely hold it together.

How can you make sure these become great times for your kids, even if they don’t seem like great times to you?

Here are a few things my parents and grandparents did to help make those younger years incredible for me:

They cultivated a keen sense of family. Some of my best memories happened because people I cared about were around a lot. Cultivate a quantity of quality time.

They made small moments big.We didn’t have a lot of money to travel, so we made our own fun. We camped out in the backyard in a canvas tent. And our portable pool (that was only knee high) had a deep end caused by the shadow of the house that fell across it every afternoon. You had to be big to get into the deep end.

They lived as though there was a God in control of the world that seemed out of control. Even though the images on TV suggested otherwise, my family helped me see there was a God bigger than any problem any of us were facing. That made the days seem good, even if they weren’t.

They stayed committed to each other, and to us. There is a deep peace a child gets in knowing his family will be there for each other. I was fortunate enough to have that growing up.

What made the good old days good for you? What’s helping you forge some good seasons for your kids right now, despite everything going on around you?

How to Drive Your Kids Away

Friday, October 21st, 2011

If your goal is to push your kids away as soon as possible, then I have a few tips for you. These are guaranteed not only to drive your kids away from your home, but to keep them away for a significant period of time.

1. Try to be their best friend

Master the art of smothering them. Why would they need anyone else in life besides you? You should be there to meet their every need. Oh, and it’s okay to expect them to meet your needs as well. If that doesn’t work, you can always try to be best friends with their best friends.

2. Manipulate their emotions

Guilt works. It worked on you when your parents used it, right? So you should definitely pass it on to your children. The goal is to make them feel so bad they will start being good. This works especially well if you want them to appreciate you more as a parent. Use phrases like, “You know I won’t always be here,” or “I can’t believe you would do something like that to me.” Maybe one day this will help them build a healthy relationship with their own children.

3. Compare them to whoever you want them to become

Everyone needs a tangible example they can use as a yardstick to measure themselves. How else will they know the specific attributes you want them to develop? Make sure you point it out in someone else, especially someone they see everyday like a sister or a brother.

4. Create more drama than they do

If they pitch a fit, pitch a bigger one. You are the adult. Don’t let them out-argue, out-debate, or out reason you. By the way, your body language can really help you make your point. Freely expressing your anger and frustration only implies that you are a very passionate and caring parent. And always remember, the louder you speak the more you will be heard.

5. Live your dreams through them

Push them to do what you wanted to do but never did. This could be your chance to prove to everyone what you could have done. It doesn’t really matter if it is something they don’t want to do. They can learn to be passionate about something that matters to you. Besides, you just want what’s best for them.

6. Nag them until they do it your way

If you don’t remind them of their imperfections and weaknesses, they may never improve. You don’t want them to settle for mediocrity. They need a consistent voice in their ear challenging them to get it right. It’s your job to conform them to the image of the future that you have pictured for them.

7. Fight a lot with your spouse

Your kids should see you stand up for your rights as often as possible. If you don’t want them to grow up and be a wimp in their marriage, then make sure you are quick to put your spouse in his or her place. If you want respect from your kids, you should probably demand it from your partner.

Any ideas? I’m sure you can think of more creative ways to get your kids to run for the door.

The Road Back Home

Tuesday, October 18th, 2011

Photo by Reggie Joiner

I love the road. There is something about it that clears my head, awakens my senses, and gives me some distance from the drama of life. All roads have something in common–they either take you closer to home or farther away. I don’t think I really thought about that until I started living with a GPS. Now I go everywhere with a visual reminder of where I am in relationship to home. I love the fact that I can take any back road that interests me, get off the path to discover new places, and all I have to do is hit a button that says “home” to take me back. Sometimes when I think about that button on the GPS, I wonder about the people who either won’t or can’t press the home button. I meet them often when I travel. I’m not always sure why they can’t go back.

Maybe it’s too painful or messy.

Maybe they are convinced no one wants them.

Or maybe they don’t actually have a place to call home.

Our concept of home is a powerful force. It either invites us back from the roads we take to refuel us, or it can drive us farther away to find escape. There is a classic story of a son who left his dad to “get away” so he could discover a new life. He left home to get rich, gain popularity, and have fun. Interestingly enough, since he had never taken a Dave Ramsey money management course, he wasted what money he had, lost all of his friends and ended up homeless. The turning point of the story happened when he remembered something about home. It was the memory of his relationship with his dad that compelled him to take the road home and start over. He simply concluded that he could go home, admit his failure, and his dad would forgive him.

The classic reunion of the prodigal son with his father teaches a powerful principle about the road home. Not only did the father forgive his son, but he threw him a party. I think the son was able to hit the home button, because he knew what to expect at home. Whenever you create a home that’s characterized by joy and forgiveness you give your kids a reason to know that whatever happens, wherever they go, they can always come home. It’s one thing to start over with people you don’t know and give life a shot. But the best way to experience unconditional love in life is to learn how to start over with people who have history with you.

Don’t forget that as a parent you are making a lasting impression on how your kids view home. How do you want your kids to feel when they think about home?

The Ultimate Creator

Thursday, October 13th, 2011

When children are born, we marvel over every little toe on their foot. Everything about them is amazing to us. And when we get that first smile—oh man, I remember that moment so clearly.

And then they grow! And they are taller than we thought they would be. Or their hair is red and curly. Or they can throw a ball like no other one-year-old you’ve ever seen. Or maybe they are shy and quiet and taking it all in.

From the moment a child is conceived, we see God’s incredible creative nature on display. Each and every person is unique.

Have you ever seen the Redwood Forest in California? Or a beautiful sunrise over the ocean? Or how about a three-toed sloth? What was God thinking? Why did he make such uniqueness all around? He is so obviously the Creator.

So, here’s my question. If God created us to be marvelously unique, how much time do you spend trying to press your child into an acceptable mold? You know, maybe you want them to be a businessman like their granddaddy. Or maybe you think your little girl should be super organized just like their mama. Do you wish they were a certain size and shape? Do you think your son should play football, or your daughter play the piano?

There is nothing wrong with them picking up the traits of their parents or the people around them. Believe me, they are soaking up everything that you are.

But what if we stepped back for a moment and viewed our child as this unique and amazing creation? What if we reveled in the creativity that God has shown in the creation of our child, just like we would in the amazing creativity of the beautiful Island Butterfly in the picture above?

Aren’t they amazing? God did something truly and purely creative when He made that little person that you love so much.