Fight for the heart « Orange Parents

PARENTING TOPIC: Fight for the heart

Five Tensions Task-Oriented Parents Face

Monday, December 3rd, 2012

I remember taking a personality profile for work shortly after I started into my first full-time job.

It told me what I already suspected: When it comes to working on a task or spending time with people, I’ll almost always choose the task. I actually do value relationships, but I default toward task.

That’s not a bad thing. Work gets done. Life stays on track. And organizations and causes advance when people focus on tasks.

What I didn’t realize at the time was how much my bias toward tasks over people would impact my family life. Sure, all you relationship people could see that coming a mile away, but us task people kind of miss that stuff.

It was a bit of a surprise to me that what can get you ahead at work can easily help you fall behind at home.

While being a task-oriented person has it’s advantages, it really impacts the kind of spouse you will be and the kind of parent you will be.

It gets particularly challenging if, like me, you have a wife and kids who (thankfully) see the deep value in relationship.

I’ve gotten better at managing this tension over the years. But it only happened because I realized the limits of what task-orientation brought to my world at home.

So, what do task people struggle with at home? It may be different for each of us, but here are five tension points I’ve struggled with as a dad and husband:

I saw people as interruptions rather than priorities. That’s difficult to say out loud, but it’s true. I think it’s just a default wiring task people have to overcome. It gets particularly bad when those relationships are your wife and kids.

I tended to see my family as projects rather than people. Trust me, that was never my goal. But it was a by-product of my style. I know that I was tempted to want my kids to achieve—to have top grades, keep their rooms clean, never get into trouble. All of those are decent goals, but task people can miss the nuances in relationships and end up treating their kids (and spouses) as projects, not people. This, by the way, is the gateway into conditional love and conditional acceptance. You don’t want to go there.

I misunderstood days off. Days off were just opportunities to do new projects right? Apparently not. If I went with my default, I would have missed some of the richest times I could spend with my family.

I thought everyone spoke my love language. If you want to make me smile, give me words of affirmation and acts of service. So, I just thought the rest of the world ran off of the same fuel. Try marrying someone whose love language is quality time. And having a couple of kids who value that too. I had to learn that all the words of affirmation and acts of service I sent their way would never mean the same thing as unstructured, quality time.

I found it hard to focus. My mind races. So, when I let my default style go unchecked, I found it almost impossible to be “in the moment.” I was always thinking about what had to get done next, a big project I was working on, or what had to get fixed.

In the next post, I’ll share some steps I took to help combat the tension a task orientation creates.

But in the meantime, which of these points resonate with you? What other areas do you struggle with?

And for those of you who are relationship people, what bothers you most about those of us with a task orientation?

Helping Kids Deal with Peer Conflict

Monday, November 26th, 2012

As my 2^nd grader exited the bus he walked toward me but looked away. Without uttering a word, I knew something was wrong. Rarely does my little guy greet me at the bus stop without offering a hug. On this day there was no smile, but rather a tear rolling down one cheek. My son resisted making eye contact. Together we walked back home and softly I said, “I know when something isn’t right. I want you to share with me what’s bothering you, even if you did something wrong. You know I will love you even if you made a bad choice. I’d rather know what’s going on so that we can work through it together.” It wasn’t long before pieces of the story began to escape.

Somewhere along the way, my son’s seatmate decided he didn’t like my son. It was unclear how that sentiment evolved, but troublesome dialogue had emerged and escalated. To this point my son had done his best to address or ignore the stinging comments from his fellow bus rider. But on this particular day it was clear his attempts were unsuccessful. After gathering more details from the viewpoint of a seven-year-old, I wrestled with possible next steps. Was my son being bullied? And what would I do about it? My son declared his bus riding days were over. Yet for many reasons, the idea of trading the bus stop for the carpool line didn’t seem like the best solution.

I pondered and prayed how to handle the situation. We could anticipate seeing this child again and often—if not on the bus, then playing in the neighborhood, at the pool, or perhaps in a future class together. And I was just as likely to bump into the child’s mother. Given the ongoing nature of the unwelcome dialogue, ignoring it seemed unlikely to benefit either little boy. I also wondered if my son had some ownership for spurring the negative feelings of his seatmate.

I decided to send the mother a brief and neutral email. I shared my discovery of the discord between our sons during their bus ride home. While I was unclear as to the cause, I wanted to make things right on our end and conveyed a desire to create peace for both of our little guys.

Thankfully the child’s mother was gracious and joined me in the desire to quell the conflict. After a conversation with his parents, the fellow bus rider took ownership for some behavior and choice words. Information also surfaced that perhaps an unbalanced exchange of two trading cards had occurred—with my son benefiting from the unfair transaction. The seatmate bravely asked my son to forgive him for things he said. My son had the opportunity to extend grace—and to return a trading card. Soon, my favorite second grader was declaring his love for the bus ride home.

In the end, meaningful conversation took place in two different households regarding the impact of hurtful words. And in our home the concept of integrity was explained at length.

At some point all kids say things that hurt their peers unnecessarily. Mindless comments, teasing, and intimidation are usually a child’s way of wrestling through their own pain and insecurity. And sometimes the child on the receiving end of the chiding may have some learning to do as well.

How have you helped your child deal with peer conflict or even outright bullying? How do you help your kids recognize the impact of their own words and actions?

Amy Fenton Lee is the Special Needs Consultant to Orange. Amy blogs at www.TheInclusiveChurch.com to help churches successfully include children with special needs.

Afraid of the Dark

Tuesday, November 13th, 2012

by Sarah Anderson

I am mama to a two-year-old who is going through a bit of a rough stage. He is becoming more aware of being alone at night. And he is afraid. Of the dark. Of strange noises and imaginary monsters. So in order to calm these prevalent fears, his dad and I have started assuring him that even though we aren’t in the room with him, God is. This platitude has become part of the bedtime routine. “It’s dark,” he asserts. “God is here,” we assure.

Last night, my little guy prayed on his own. And when he finished we excitedly told him that God had heard all he had to say. My son looked at us expectantly saying, “God is here!” “That’s right!” we praised. To which my little guy asked, “Where’s His nose?”

A great question. Because it reflected his unyielding trust in what we had been telling him. The issue wasn’t whether God was actually with us in the room. The issue was, if God was in the room, then why couldn’t we see Him?

This morning I learned that a young mom I had never met passed away after a short, intense, battle with cancer. Her story resonated with me. I read an excerpt from an old blog post when, in a hospital bed, afraid, and grappling with the hand dealt her, she asked the nurse at her bedside a question. With tears in her eyes she pleaded, “Where’s God?” To which the kind, believing nurse responded, “Oh baby, He’s here.”

It seems it is a truth we never outgrow the need for. It seems our greatest fear—at any given time—is that we are alone in the bigness of an unfamiliar world. The questions that haunt us as children resurface over the course of our lives—what we once believed so easily isn’t always easy to believe. Early on, we need the reassurance that the God who made the dark—and the stars and moon that illuminate it—is with us as we drift to sleep. And later we need the reassurance that the God who made us and orchestrates all the beauty we encounter is near us in each tragedy too.

This matters, because the God of the universe has entrusted me, as a parent, with a tiny slice of eternity in the soul of my son. And given me the responsibility to tell him timeless truths—to lay the foundation for the certainties of our Creator. God is here. God is close. Even if we can’t see His nose—He is present. And so we, as parents, convey these truths, in their simplicity and matter-of-factness, so grateful for the tender ages and stages of belief we find in our children. They will take us at our word. They will hear and trust us.

We do this, as parents, because a day is coming when it won’t be the dark that prompts our kids to ask the questions they once did as toddlers. Then, confusing circumstances, broken relationships, and unexplained loss will stir in them the fear that God may not be as present as they hoped. But re-emerging uncertainty isn’t wrong. And it isn’t representative of a failure on our part. It will be a piece of our kids’ own personal journey of faith, just like it was part of our own.

Knowing this, I am more resolute that my son knows the truths life will most assuredly put on trial. I want him to hear from me first that God is faithful, so when he doubts it—as he inevitably will—he will remember his parents told him otherwise.

And in working to make sure he hears these assurances, I anticipate finding myself encouraged as well—reminded anew of the powerful truths I once believed so easily.

Sarah Anderson is a writer for Orange and loves being a mom to Asher and Pace and a wife to Rodney.

When Should You Give Your Kids Their Own Phone?

Thursday, November 8th, 2012

I have two sons. One’s in college and the other is still in high school, but it feels like I raised them in the olden days. You know, the 2000s.

One day, they get to tell their kids that when they were young, they had to actually go to a store to rent a movie and play it on something called a DVD player. (I’m sure their kids will say, “Really, dad?”) They’ll get to talk about their awesome CD collection. (“Your what collection, Dad?”) My oldest son is just old enough to also remember the horrendous pinging sound of dial up. Oh the stories he can tell. . .

Ten-year-olds today live in a significantly different world than ten-year-olds even a few years ago.

Today, when you get a phone you don’t just get something to dial if you’re going to be late for dinner or you’re in danger. You get everything with it—Facebook, movies, a full web browser, and any app you can think of. And you have it with you anytime, anywhere. Wifi is everywhere, and whether it’s an iPod touch, a phone, a tablet, a laptop or any kind of mobile device, our kids have access to anything, anytime.

It can be difficult for parents to address when their kids should get their first phone (or whatever device it is that will allow them access to the online world with the swipe of a finger).

Even though my sons are 16 and 20, I never had to answer that question quite the same way many of you do. But I’ve thought about it a lot.

Here’s how I think I might answer the question, “Dad, when can I get my own phone?”

What I think I’d say today is this: “When you’re ready.”

Here’s why. I’m not sure there’s a magic line that kids cross when they reach a certain birthday or grade in school that really qualifies them to be ready to handle everything that comes at them when a browser or app opens up.

Maybe “when you’re ready” isn’t a bad idea in other areas too. For example, is every 16-year-old “ready” to drive a car? Don’t tell your kids this, but I think there are probably some 14-year-olds who are ready and responsible enough to drive. And there are some 44-year-olds we should bench. Whatever the legal drinking age is in your area, I know some 16-year-olds who would never touch the stuff and some grandparents who should be cut off.

So how do you know when they’re ready? Well, that’s up to you as a parent. I think to a large extent it’s tied to the development of their character, something we talked about in this post.

There are a few final things that intrigue me about the “when you’re ready” angle on technology:

It responds to the development of each child individually. Because it’s not a question of math or birthdays, it allows you to gauge your response individually to each child. Because some kids are mature for their age and well, others aren’t, it gives you options as a parent.

It fosters a dialogue. “When you’re ready” prompts the question, “Well, when will I be ready?” which can be a gateway into all kinds of great conversations about character, responsibility and honest dialogue about what they will learn and discover.

It creates an incentive. Suddenly a phone isn’t an entitlement, it’s something that’s tied to a child’s progress and their demonstration that they are ready to handle the responsibility that comes with it.

This is all just a suggestion of course, but then with technology moving as quickly as it is, we’re all kind of in a laboratory anyway, aren’t we?

So, in that spirit, what do you think about the “when you’re ready” approach? What other things are working (or not working) in your home when it comes to your kids and access to technology?

Why Your Kids Need Five Other Adults in Their Lives

Thursday, October 4th, 2012

I have something like 1,300 contacts in my phone. No doubt, 1,300 is a crazy number. You might have double that, or half that. It’s just the world we live in.

But even if you only had 100, you wouldn’t really know each of them well. Not deeply. Not personally. You couldn’t. Our relational span just isn’t that big.

But there’s also a “favorites list” on my phone, as there probably is one on yours. On that list are the people who are one touch-of-the-screen away from a call or a text. My favorites list is much shorter. In fact, there are less that twenty people on that list. If I were to get even more granular, there are really only about five that I call or text all the time. These are the handful of people closest to me.

These five know me inside out . . . my good points and not so good ones. My dreams and my struggles. My favorite and least favorite things. They’re the ones who are not only great friends, but great advisors.

I’m sure you’ve got those people too.

But do your kids?

When your kids need to talk, who do they talk to? I mean beyond their friends and beyond you as a parent? Friends are of limited help; sometimes the last thing a 16-year-old needs is advice from another 16-year-old. And sometimes the last person they want to talk to is a parent. I’m sure there are parents who say, “my kid will talk to me.” But let me ask you something, did you tell your parents everything? Exactly!.

So who do they go to? To whom can they turn?

I dream of a culture in which every child has five adults, other than their parents, they can talk to about the important stuff. Like school. And girls. And parents. And the future. And God. And faith. And their problems.

If you were fortunate when you were growing up, you might have had someone you could talk to other than your mom or dad about the big stuff and the little stuff. Maybe it was a coach who took an interest in you, a teacher, a neighbor, a grandparent, or an uncle who always seemed to have the time for you. If you had someone like that. you know what a difference those relationships can make.

That’s why I wanted my kids to have at least five other adults in their life guiding them and giving input.

Five people who know their hopes and dreams,

Five people who know their quirks and good points.

Five people they can talk to honestly about what’s really going on in their lives.

Five people who can offer wisdom when life gets confusing.

Five people who care about them and pray for them.

My question is simple: who are your kids’ five? Who will they text and who will they call when they don’t know what to do?

If you don’t know who those five are, you’re not alone. But you can change that. Soon.

I would encourage you to spend some time over the next month identifying people your kids can build a trusting relationship with.

My guess is between small group leaders, neighbors, family friends, uncles, aunts, grandparents, coaches and teachers, you will find a few who will be willing to spend a little one on one time with your child periodically.

Ask them if they’ll spend some time getting to know your child or teen, and even pray for them regularly. And then watch what happens.

If every child and teen ends up with five adults on their phone’s favorite list, we might indeed be raising a wider, more secure, more grounded, more Christ-centered, more joyful generation than we’ve seen in a long time.

And if you’re still not convinced, I have a simple question. Don’t you wish there had been five other adults in your life growing up that you had a great relationship with, trusted, and could talk to?

I do. Which is why years ago, I sat down with my sons and drafted theirs. It’s a different world out there. And it can be a better world.

Secrets for Dads From a Daughter

Thursday, September 27th, 2012

Art by Hannah Joiner

by Hannah Joiner

I happened to be at the wedding when Reggie, my dad, read this letter to Mark on the day he gave his daughter Kristi away in marriage. Even though it was directed primarily to fathers, I couldn’t help but learn a few things myself. I also thought of a few secrets that my dad should know about his daughter that might be beneficial for other dads too.

Secret one: Rolling my eyes didn’t always mean what I was communicating to you.

I remember rolling my eyes as a little girl when my dad needed to take me by his office. The funny thing is, I also remember REALLY wanting to go. I just didn’t want him to know that. Yes, we do play games, and I’m sorry it’s so confusing! I loved feeling like I was important enough to be around my dad’s workplace. It made me feel like he was proud to be my dad.

Secret two: I loved when you invested in getting to know my friends.

When my dad would get to know my friends (at any age), it meant the world to me. I pretended to be embarrassed sometimes. Little did he know, he was communicating his genuine interest in my life. What was important to me was also important to him, and I began to realize that his purpose was not to just make the rules, he wanted to build a relationship with me.

Secret three: Letting go helped me decide who I wanted to be.

When I was sixteen, I got into some trouble at school. I was scared to death of what my punishment would be when my dad got home. This is one of those times I remember him “letting go.” He didn’t really punish me, he just told me I was old enough to make my own decisions and that I was accountable to God and myself. The next day, he took me to work with him and treated me like an adult. This was a turning point in my life. I was heart broken knowing he was disappointed in me. I WANTED a punishment so that I could just pay for it. Instead, letting go in that moment taught me who I wanted to be—someone that could make the right decisions without rules.

Dads, I wish I had been better at communicating to my father how much his holding on and letting go meant to me. The chances are, your daughters will probably wish the same thing one day. If you are fighting for her and trying your best, she knows it. So don’t stop. Of course my dad didn’t do everything right, but none of that matters now because he fought for our relationship. I really believe that’s the most crucial part.

I hope this encourages you to push on through the eye rolls and know that she loves you and wants you to fight for her heart . And when the moments come that you have to let go a little bit, remember you are giving her a chance to grow into the person she is meant to be.

Hannah Joiner works as a creative director for Orange. By default she grew up around the making and development of Orange and now as an adult can’t help but have a few thoughts of her own sometimes. In her free time she is painting or making something! Hannah believes that creativity is a universal tool we can use to teach children, inspire people, and share stories.

A Secret for Dads

Monday, September 24th, 2012

Instead of the typical blog, I thought I would share something I wrote for Mark Taylor this weekend for his daughter Kristi’s wedding. It was for the part of the ceremony when the father gives away his daughter. We have been friends with Colette and Mark for almost two decades.

“I was watching some of the younger dads last night at the rehearsal dinner holding their kids, and I wondered if they knew the secret you and I know, the secret that every dad discovers sooner or later. You and I have talked about it a lot of times. It’s a secret that no one told us when we were younger, or if they did tell us I’m not sure we really paid attention then. Here it is:

As soon as your daughter is born, you have to start learning to let go.

Knowing when to hold on and when to let go is more complicated than we ever imagined it would be. That’s because daughters trick you at first. When they are toddlers, they hold on to you pretty tightly and make you believe they are never going to let go. So you do what a dad should do, you hold on too. They may wander off a few feet, but they always come running back.

When they become young children, they act like they believe everything you say. They want you to be there for them at their games, their plays, and every other important moment. They need your affirmation. So you keep holding on, because you want to lead them and guard their heart.

Then somewhere around middle school, they start teasing you. They let go when you are not expecting it, and they do it more often than you feel like they should. They even start behaving like they expect you to let go more, but they never really tell you when you should let go or when you should hold on. Somehow, you are just supposed to know. It’s really confusing. The complexity of decisions can put you in a daze as a father.

Without warning, they become teenagers and start moving toward adulthood at warp speed. That’s when there’s a temptation to panic. You don’t want them to see it, but it feels like there is so much at stake. These years can fluster even the best of dads.

Personally, I know there was a tendency for me to hold on too tightly when I should have let go, and a tendency to let go too soon when I should have held on. The problem is there is no textbook, parenting seminar, or 24-hour counselor to explain exactly when you’re supposed to let go and exactly when you’re supposed to hold on.

So you do the only thing you know to do. You guess. You pray. You feel your way through every decision.

Sometimes you get it right. Sometimes you don’t. But you never stop trying to figure it out. Because of ONE primary reason: she’s your daughter. And you want her to know that you will never stop fighting for her future and for your relationship with her.

Mark, you have always had an amazing reputation for loving your girls. You have proven over and over again that they are a priority to you. All the while in the back of your mind, you have carried this secret that one day you will have to let Kristi go. Now that day is here. And you will have to choose to trust someone else to hold on to her.

In just a second, you will let go when you walk back to your seat. This may be the only time in your life as a dad when it is crystal clear that you have to let go. And I know when you leave her side and go sit over there by Colette, there will still be a piece of you standing here. But by doing this, you are letting every dad in on the secret of fatherhood.

This is a stewardship. God gives you your daughters for a moment in time and then you have to let go and let someone else hold on.

So Mark, who gives Kristi to be married to JR?”

Show Some Respect!

Friday, September 14th, 2012

My daughter recently enrolled in a tae kwon do class for a couple of months. Besides now having the ability to fend off her bigger brother with the threat of a karate chop, she came out of it more confident and surprisingly more respectful. She started responding to everything we would ask her to do with a decisive, “Ma’am, yes, ma’am!” and “Sir, yes, sir!” And then she would go do it quickly and with great pleasure! We, her parents, would just look at each other and marvel. It was beautiful!

This was in direct contrast to our son, who was in this phase in which he would question, delay, and whine at every request. Besides wanting to enroll my son in the class immediately, this got me to thinking about the idea of respect.

While I don’t want to make my kids feel like they are in the military, I do want them to show respect for their father and me and for all those who are in authority over them. And the primary way children show respect for authority figures is by how they treat us.

I’m sure we’ve all seen children who backtalk or even scream at their parents; and like me, you may cringe when parents let that happen. Or maybe there have been times when you’re the parent whose child treats you disrespectfully and you wonder how it got that way. Perhaps you don’t even notice and you think it’s normal.

I think it’s easy as parents to become numb to the way our kids treat us. Over time, we start picking our battles, and there may be occasions in which we choose the wrong ones. Or perhaps we attempt to be their friends (instead of their parents), and we focus too much on what makes them “happy.”

But in the end, don’t both kids and parents lose when this happens? Eventually, children will show disrespect to the “wrong person” (which can lead to big trouble), and they still won’t respect us as their parents. When we teach our kids to respect others, especially those in authority, we set them up for success rather than failure.

Now, I’m sure as much as we reinforce the practice of respect at home, kids will leak out the disrespect they pick up from their friends, from what they watch on television, and from what they observe in culture.

Just yesterday, my son came home appalled by the way his 4^th grade classmate treated his teacher, cussing at her for confiscating a toy. (It didn’t end well for the guy.) I was glad he was appalled. I was too! Then I took him to football practice and watched him question his coach on the sideline in a disrespectful way.

I’m glad we are focusing on the idea of respect this month, not because I now want to force my children to treat me like I want them to treat me (and run the risk of having them rebel against authority later). My goal is to keep them in check, for their own good. I want to speak into their hearts now: to set them up for success later. I want them to know how to treat others and respect even those who may seem undeserving. I want them to go out into the world and love people.

I would love to hear your thoughts as I begin to have more of these conversations with my children.

How are you teaching your kids the importance of showing respect to authority?

Karen Wilson works at Orange as Reggie Joiner’s assistant and Manager/Editor of OrangeParents.org. She and her husband Mark have two children, Elijah (9) and Sara (7).

A Father’s Reflections

Tuesday, September 4th, 2012

Photo courtesy of Chupp Photography

A few weeks ago, our family had one of its most amazing celebrations yet. My oldest son, Jordan, married the love of his life. They are so ready for this and the life that is ahead of them in Christ. We couldn’t be happier for them.

A wedding is a monumental moment in every parent’s journey. The week leading up to the wedding had to be one of the most emotional times of my life. For the many of you with young kids – I’m warning you: buy stock in some facial tissue companies. You’ll be glad you did.

Although I’m a novice at this your-son-is-getting-married-thing, I couldn’t help but reflect back on the last few decades as the wedding grew nearer. Here are some thoughts in no-particular order.

You have less time than you think. I could hardly believe this season had come. Seriously? Wasn’t he just in kindergarten last year? Whether your kids get married at 20, 25, or later is kind of irrelevant. Time flies. And no, you can’t get it back.

Let them grow up. There’s something inside most of us as parents that wants our kids to stay young forever. One of the tensions Jordan and I faced in his teen years was his desire to be treated like a young adult and my desire to delay whatever phase he was heading into. Sure, there’s a role for strong parental guidance. But what I realize now is that he was likely ready for more responsibility earlier than I was ready to give to him. He’s always been mature for his age, and my parenting style has finally caught up with him. I now see how critical his desire for independence was to his development. If I had it to do over again, I would have embraced the development of him as a young man more readily at every stage. I would have made it less about my fears and more about his development.

Character is Everything. There are so many competing demands on your time as a parent it’s hard to see what really matters. One of the tensions in a limited time/resource universe is developing skills versus developing character. While it’s important to do both, it’s clear me to which one matters most deeply: it’s character, hands down. Who you are ultimately impacts everything that you do. It determines the kind of person, Christ-follower, friend, neighbour, employee, boss and – ultimately – husband and even parent you will be. Do whatever you can to help shape the person your child is becoming. It matters far more than you think.

Relationship Matters. Your journey as a parent continues, its just changes. Your role as rule-maker is gone. All you’re left with is influence. And the amount of influence you have is proportional to the quality of relationship you’ve built. The reason? Simple: we listen most to those we love the most. If you work hard – especially in the teen years – to fight for the heart of your son or daughter, the reward is significant. You can emerge into the adult years as more than just parent and child – you can move into those years as friends as well as parents.

As his wedding day approached, I got to say these words to my son: “You’re ready for this son. I’m so proud of you. And I’m so glad this day has come. I consider it a privilege to have been able to help raise you. And I look forward to our relationship growing and developing over time. I will always be thankful I get to be your father.”

He was ready, and I think – finally – so was I. It was perfect timing, because we had (and have) a lot to celebrate together.

Don’t Do It For Your Kids

Monday, August 27th, 2012

We do so much for our kids:

work late to ensure we keep climbing the ladder

enroll our kids in lessons and activities so they have every opportunity

drive them all over town and beyond so they can keep an active social life

buy them things they don’t really need so they can have every ‘advantage’

But did you ever think that what you do with your kids is as important than what you do for your kids? It’s an important distinction. Because often the things we do for our kids takes us away from the time we would could have spent with our kids. While this tension exists in every home, the more affluent you are, the more you will struggle with this.

One of the things I treasured most as a kid was the time I spent with my grandparents. Until I was ten years old, we were neighbors with them, and I saw them almost every day. They were a like a second set of parents to me.

My grandparents were immigrants who worked hard to make it in a new country. Although by the time I came along, they had a house and a car, they didn’t have a lot of money. What they did have was time. We did so many things together. Though we sometimes went on field trips and a few outings, those weren’t necessarily my favorite moments. My favorites were those spent with them in the every day, ordinary course of life. Some of my fondest memories include:

helping my grandfather build things in his garage

eating my grandmother’s cooking, and helping my grandparents clean up the meal

sitting in the backyard in the shade on a hot summer’s day

helping them paint and clean up around the yard

seeing my grandparents read the Bible at meal times

What they did with me was so powerful. I didn’t care that they couldn’t do much for me. They couldn’t get me into the right school, help me with my homework, get me a good job or enroll me in sports. They just hung out. But in doing so, they made a lasting contribution to my life. Ironically, by doing so much with me, they did an immeasurable amount for me.

I know as a parent, I have been tempted to justify my hard work, long hours or constant enrolment of my kids in ‘programs’ as a justification that I’m doing something good for my kids. But in the end, one of the best investments I can make as a parent is what I do with my kids.

What are you doing with your kids these days? And to what extent does what you’re doing for your kids compete with the time you could spend being with your kids?