Orange Parents

Electronic gaming, videos and television privileges have functioned as the discipline currency in my household. We learned a long time ago that both earning and losing time in front of a video monitor molded our young son’s behavior quite effectively.  Recently Watson, my five year old, returned home from school and headed for the television. I gently reminded him that he lost all of his “privileges” due to the previous days’ behavior choices. And indeed he quickly remembered.

The rest of the afternoon was eye-opening for me. Despite the fact my son was still free to occupy himself at his leisure in the toy room; he remained agitated and frustrated, needing constant attention. It was not long before I realized that without electronics involved, my child lacked the ability to self-play! The match box car set, the locking blocks, and the puzzles all sat idle as Watson struggled to find constructive activity for himself.

Like my young son, many children require intentional parenting to develop the ability to self-play. Reflecting on my own growing up and the downtime I spent playing Atari PacMan (yes, I am that old!), video games hold little significance compared to the memories of wading a nearby creek, sponge painting T-shirts, and creating a jar to catch lightening bugs. It was the active play utilizing my imagination and family’s existing resources that I fondly remember: making tents using hollow-stemmed wood poles from our backyard bamboo garden; spending hours exploring the pastures on my grandparents’ farm; searching on scavenger hunts planned by my mother.

As the days of no school and warm weather are here, my husband and I are shifting our child’s reward currency away from electronics and to “popsicle privileges.” In the meantime, I’m planning more activities that better develop my son’s imagination, dexterity, and free-play abilities.

• Search the web for kid-minded projects and recipes for homemade bubbles, play-dough, and body paint. Children are as much enamored with the process of creating as with the end product.
• Take a bucket of water and a handful of medium sized paintbrushes and assign children the task of painting the sidewalk (with water!).
• Don’t under estimate the value of a sandbox. Allowing children to hunt for toys in sand, a bin of dried beans, or dried pasta are good ways to engage a child’s tactile sense.
• Read bed time stories by flashlight on the back porch or in the backyard and take note of the stars in the sky.
• Plant seeds in a garden or pot and make it a daily activity to water the growing flowers or vegetation.
• Find hands-on activities and quiet crafts such as: puzzles, cross word games or beading. Make a daily or weekly schedule that incorporates a few minutes of this same activity as a way of helping your child develop a wind-down hobby.

Along with her husband and young son, Amy Fenton Lee lives in Cumming, GA.  For more on Amy and her writing see www.amyfentonlee.com and www.theinclusivechurch.com.

I was listening to “Summer Nights” by Rascal Flatts on the radio the other day and thought, every summer seems to be marked by a song. I’m not endorsing the lyrics (or saying that I’m old enough to know all of these songs)– but let’s take a trip down memory lane shall we?

“Surfin Safari, Surfer Girl, California Girls” –  Beach Boys
“Summer Nights” – John Travolta & Olivia Newton John
“Suddenly Last Summer” – The Motels
“Summer Breeze” – Seals & Croft
“Summer of ’69″ – Bryan Adams
“The Boys of Summer” – Don Henley
“Summer Love” – Justin Timberlake
“California Girls” – Katy Perry & Snoop Dog
“Sunshine & Summertime” – Faith Hill
“Summertime” – Kenny Chesney

Search “summer songs.” Give a listen. See what happens!

Ahhhh….the memories.

Some of the songs remind me of my parents and their record player.

Some remind me of riding through town in my dads pick-up, windows down, loaded with friends, after graduation.

Some remind me of fun times floating down the river in Montana.

That Bryan Adams song? Let’s not talk about that boyfriend…I mean memory!

Some songs make me think of beach vacations. Others remind me of the 4^th of July.

All memories…of my experiences, my family, and my friends.

My story.

Your kids are creating those memories right now! It’s June! It’s summertime! And one day a song will trigger a memory for them of a time spent with you. Summer is a great time to change up the pace of your family. Create some space. Relax and have fun!

Here are a few things that are on my list every year:

Eat outside. We grill, plug in the twinkly string lights, light a few candles and enjoy the night. Everyone is invited–friends from the pool, neighbors, and family.

Sit on the front porch. I love to read on the front porch. We make sure that the furniture is clean, painted, and the cushions are put out. It’s not unusual for a kid or two to plop down beside me and chat a while.

Make special food. Cooking is a great way to celebrate summer. Last year I got one of those big, old time ice cream makers. Yum! Don’t forget watermelon, lemonade, and garden veggies.

Outdoor games. When my kids were younger, they spent several summers playing capture the flag with the other kids in our cul de sac. All of our yards connect and the dads usually get into the fun too. Our neighbor across the street has a full on wiffle ball tournament complete with trophies every year.

Indoor games. One summer, I played cards with my son almost every night. We were really sick of the game by the end of the summer, but it was fun to keep a running total and keep the competition alive. Last summer, I tried to learn Canasta. Yikes!

Beach Trip. At some point in the summer, we seem to end up at the beach. Now it’s just a tradition. We love the sun, waves, sand, food, and music.

My list could go on and on, but I want to hear about your list! What does your family do to make summer special?

You’ve heard it before and some of you are currently living it. Time does move more and more quickly as your children grow up.

When my boys were preschool age, time seemed to move very slowly. The time before kindergarten seemed like a lifetime because, well, it was a lifetime. Theirs.

The early elementary years still felt like they were moving along slowly and in good order. But something changed around fourth or fifth grade. I’m pretty certain the years got shorter. Soon eighth grade graduation loomed, and before I knew it we had a son who had graduated elementary school. Not only did it seem impossible that I was that old, it seemed impossible that my son was actually that old.

Someone told me the high school years would fly by. I hoped they were wrong. They weren’t. My youngest is cruising into the final days of ninth grade. Gulp.

And I am reminded that you have less time than you think and more influence than you realize as a parent.

You can’t get time back and you can’t slow it down, but you can make the most of the time you have. The best way I know to do that is to mark moments. It’s critical to mark milestones. As my friend Jeff Brodie says, “parents need to celebrate spiritual milestones regularly and regular milestones spiritually.”

Actually, we do a pretty good job of marking major milestones–from taking a first step to birthdays to baptism and school graduations. Here are moments you can celebrate along the way that might otherwise slip by unmarked:

Losing the training wheels

Losing a tooth

Reading a book all by themselves

First school play performance

Getting an allowance

First school sports team

First night babysitting

Starting their first paid job

Getting their driver’s licence

Acceptance into college

You don’t need to throw a party, but coming alongside your child and letting them know you noticed, God noticed, and this time is significant can really help them realize that’s what happening really does have meaning.

And of course, if you don’t celebrate these milestones, you might miss them. While you can’t get them back and you can’t slow down time, marking time makes it more meaningful for everyone.

What other moments can you think of that you can celebrate? Which ones have you celebrated along the way?

The last few weeks have been crazy at work and crazy at home. Too much going on! When I know that I have a lot to do, I get in this rushing mode.

Rushing the kids out the door in the morning.

Rushing from meeting to meeting.

Rushing to meet writing deadlines.

Rushing home to get my son to piano lessons.

Rushing to make dinner.

Rushing to pick up my daughter from the gym.

Rushing conversations.

Rushed listening.

Running a few minutes late.

Missing so much.

If I’m not careful, a busy week or two can turn into a cycle to see how much I can pack into a day. I somehow pride myself on every minute being scheduled. Perfectly. Like I’m going to get a prize someday for being super organized!

When I find myself in a crazy busy season, here are a few questions that I like to ask myself:

Is this REALLY for a season? Have you ever been in a position where you find yourself asking your family to hang tough with you for one week and then it will all settle down? And then the next week, you hear yourself saying it again, “Just one more week, and it will all settle down.”

Get honest with yourself, and decide if the pace you are running is truly for a short season. If it’s not, you have a harder question to answer. Are you willing to give up what you will lose by running at this rushing pace?

Is there anyone who can help me? I’m lucky enough to live close to my parents. More than once, I’ve asked my family to jump in and help for a week. Can I bring in some extra short-term help at work? I can usually find a college kid or a willing mom to jump in and carry some of the extra load. Ask for help!

When does the rushing end and how will I reconnect to a normal pace? Set a date. Get away from the rushed pace and make a clean break. For me, it’s usually a vacation or a long weekend. Maybe I’ll plan to take a few days off and stay home to get things back to a normal pace. Normal family dinners and normal morning routines–no rushing!

Are you always rushing? What can you do to return to a normal sustainable pace?

Chances are you have a TO DO list that is longer than today…maybe even this week or this month. The pressure that can put on you is huge.

Parenting only makes it more complicated.  Every parent wants their child to succeed and do well in life, and it seems the opportunities for them to gain an edge come earlier and earlier in life. From swimming lessons to flash cards, from T-ball to football and dance to music lessons, families have an array of options in front of them that stretch calendars, bank accounts and physical limits. The pace of our lives is exhausting.

So here’s an idea for all of us who feel overwhelmed. Sit down today and start creating a list of things you are going to stop doing and things you simply decide you won’t do. Call it a ‘To-Don’t’ list.

Here are some ways to begin:

Cut an activity your child is currently engaged in. You can decide to do this however you want, but we decided that our kids would do music and one sport at a time.  And that was about all they did. Even with just two kids, that’s a lot of activity.

Cut something from your personal calendar. It’s not just what your kids are up to, it’s what you’re juggling as well. The more complicated your life is, the more complicated your family life is.

Decide ahead of time what you won’t do.This will take some thought and reflection, but a lot of times we agree to something because it came up in the moment and we were caught off guard.

Think about it. Requests come in almost every day. More and more, my wife and I ask for time to think about something and talk it through before saying ‘yes.’

Creating a ‘To-Don’t’ list will help:

Give more meaning to what you do.

Give you more energy for what you do.

Give you more joy in what you do.

Give more focus to what you do.

Finally, it will help create margin to enjoy some of the great moments that come from simply being together.

What’s your experience with this? Do you have a ‘To-Don’t’ list? What might happen if you created one?