Orange Parents

I got a message from a friend named David Wills a few months ago. It was about losing his marbles. He sent it to remind me about something that happened several years ago at our church. We handed out jars of marbles to every family. There was one for each child in the home. There were enough marbles in each jar to represent the number of weekends children had left at home before they headed to college. For example there were jars with approximately–

468 marbles for 4^th graders
364 marbles for 6^th graders
208 marbles for 9^th graders
104 marbles for 11^th graders

Some parents used calendars to calculate the exact number of weekends for each individual child. They kept the jar in a visible place in their home and removed a marble each passing week to illustrate how much time they had left with their kids. It was a sobering visual reminder of how fast time goes.

David sent his post about marbles because he had literally used his last one. He dropped his son off at college that weekend and drove home. Looking back, he was shocked that he had lost his marbles so quickly. As a young parent looking forward, it’s easy to take for granted how little time you will actually have to spend with your kids. That’s why the marble visual is so powerful. It’s a practical way to illustrate Psalms 90:2 which says, “Teach us to number our days, that we may get a heart of wisdom.”

What if you decided to apply this principle to parenting? Go ahead and estimate how many days or weekends you potentially have with your kids. Establish a tangible reminder that you and your family can look at everyday. It could help you become a wiser parent. Why? Because knowing the number of days your kids have left at home can make you more intentional as a parent.

You will tend to be more intentional about–

Leaving work early
Watching your kid’s games
How you spend Saturdays
Driving them to school
Helping them with their homework
Going to church as a family
Tucking them into bed
Eating meals together

When you remember the days with your kids are numbered, you will tend to make a better plan for your day.

Why don’t you number the days you have with each of your children? See how it affects the way you parent.

What happens every day in your home defines what normal becomes for your family. It may become normal to go camping every summer. It might become normal to eat turkey at Christmas but have hamburgers on Saturday. Normal might include going to school, spending an hour on homework after school, going to the movies once a month, having friends over every Friday night, and knowing that Dad is passionate about keeping his car in great
shape.

Parents determine what’s normal by the rhythm they establish in their homes. So—and here’s the key question—how normal is God in your home?

Some of us are just old enough to have still received fine china as a wedding gift. These days, we’re wondering why it was a priority, because we never use it. Our kids don’t see it as normal because it rarely comes out of the cabinet. When it does come out, the kids figure someone special must be coming over, everyone’s concerned about whether it breaks or not, and we all tend to get a little more uptight. Consequently, our china set has missed a lot over the life of our family.

It missed almost all the conversations we’ve had over dinner. It missed the laughter, the wrestling after supper, and some hilarious times with the four of us and with friends. It missed all the practical jokes we’ve played on each other and all the snacks during movies. It missed the arguments, the tears, and the seemingly incurable hiccups. It pretty much missed everything. If you ever asked my kids if they ever wanted it as an inheritance, they’d likely say no. It just isn’t a part of anyone’s life.

We haven’t thrown the china out because it costs a lot of money, and it’s important in the sense that valuable possesions are important.

Some of us grew up with a faith like that. God was important, but He just didn’t come out much in the daily rhythm of life. Some of you grew up in a home where faith was never talked about. You never went to church on Sunday, and God never came up during the week. It wasn’t part of your rhythm at all.

Some of you grew up in a home where God was part of a Sunday rhythm, but like fine china, He never showed up on any other day. You didn’t pray at meals. God was never part of a daily dialogue. In fact, you could never figure out how the God of Sunday had any claim on everyday life. It was just a mystery to you.

You knew it was important. You believed at some level that God had value. But like the china in your cabinet, God just didn’t see much time in your family’s life. Some of you grew up in a decidedly Christian home, and God was part of a rhythm. For some of us, it felt like a bit of an awkward rhythm.

A well-meaning and sincere parent would bring out the big Bible after dinner. A passage would be read. And then questions would be asked. I’ve tried that as a parent, and it’s all good until the uncomfortable “no one’s answering my questions and can we please just be excused” moment that inevitably follows. It feels so formal, as though it isn’t actually connected to everyday life. Somehow faith ends up feeling like a compartment we step into for a moment rather than a conversation that’s woven into the fabric of life.

That’s the difference between a God who is at the center of the family and one who is put up on the shelf and only taken out for special occasions.

(Excerpt from Parenting Beyond Your Capacity by Reggie Joiner and Carey Nieuwhof)

When you were growing up, was God a part of the every day rhythm in your family? How “normal” is God in your home today?

Just seeing the word “schedule” may evoke feelings of anxiety for many parents. It’s a struggle to create, let alone maintain, a systematic routine for our household. However, with devotion and inspiration, the investment can yield great benefits for a family.

Creating a visible chore list and mentally sorting through the logistics of their completion, force us to prioritize. And by realistically distinguishing between the “must haves” and the “bonus” accomplishments in a given period, we allow participating family members to develop a healthy sense of what’s important and what’s not.

Set Aside Time for Schedule Development
Set an appointment with a scratch pad and pencil or in front of an Excel spreadsheet. List all chores that need to be accomplished in any given period, assigning family members various tasks. Whereas every family member may be assigned a similar task (making their own bed), split other household responsibilities according to ability and availability. Incorporate developmental goals into a child’s chores.

The five year old may be charged with cutting coupons from a presorted stack of flyers, simultaneously allowing them to improve their fine motor skills.

And the seven year old may load the dishwasher, learning how to sort and arrange items.

The bigger weekly chores may be assigned to the busy teenager, developing their own time management skills.

And for the tween or teen exhibiting leadership capability and desire, appoint them to select and share the weekly scripture for family devotion.

Think Big Picture
When my husband and I were going through pre-marital counseling, our pastor proposed that we develop a family mission statement. He explained that our mission would ultimately shape our reaction to a number of anticipated life situations. And while having a pre-defined purpose wouldn’t make life easier, it would remove some ambiguity amidst hard decisions.

A similar parallel exists in how we budget our time. When we step back and ask “is this time investment in line with our family mission?” we become more purposed in our daily life. Creating a master plan allows us to naturally weave the family mission into the family schedule.

Whether earmarking a period for our own personal renewal or arranging for the family’s participation in an outside service project, without any pre-planning, those things typically don’t happen. Giving the forethought to creating a family schedule allows us to live each day with greater confidence and purpose.

Along with her husband and young son, Amy Fenton Lee lives in Cumming, GA. For more on Amy and her writing see www.amyfentonlee.com and www.theinclusivechurch.com.

Recently my husband treated me to a weekend free of wife and motherhood duties. I only had myself to pack before I flew off to another U.S. city for a brief retreat from regular life.

On the morning of my flight, I slept a few extra minutes past the alarm’s first ring. I leisurely arose and caved in to the urge to check email and Facebook. I proceeded with my unhurried approach until I stepped out of the shower and saw a clock.

Reality hit as less than 30 minutes remained to finish getting ready. Immediately, I felt the crunch to complete what now seemed a lengthy list of final chores. As my anxiety elevated, I began barking instruction to my husband, delegating my outstanding wrap-up.

By the time I bid my husband good bye, he was eager for my exit and resistant to a parting kiss. Understandably he was frustrated with the stress he was forced to absorb amidst my panicked race to get out the door.

I stayed in this unpleasant mode after I arrived at the Atlanta airport. I sprinted to security, aggressively passing some laid back travelers in order to get ahead in the security line. I then dashed to the tram, rattling the nerves of a young mother I gently swiped as I passed.

Once inside the terminal, I looked up to see a famous Atlanta family waiting at a nearby gate. A tad bit star-struck, I caught myself wanting to observe their interactions but was quickly reminded of an impending plane-door closing.

Yes, I made my plane. But, there was so much lost. As I found my seat on the plane I reflected (and repented) of a morning lost. This should have been my perfect opportunity to show gratitude toward my husband, patiently wait my turn in the security line, graciously help the mother traveling with two young children, and even people watch amidst a brief brush with fame.

From the minute I realized I was running late until I arrived at my plane I was in survival mode. Behaviors benefiting anyone else were abandoned in my need for self-preservation.

How often do we turn ourselves or our families into survivors by failing to stay on schedule? It is easy and tempting to desert our time budget as we get distracted or extend a moment of enjoyment too far. We dismiss momentary and almost subconscious choices as insignificant. But are they? A child, who arrives late (or at the last minute) to school, arrives stressed. And hurried activities are never quality activities.

Staying on schedule keeps us and our families at their best. Unnecessary stress is avoided. And honoring the time budget may even afford us the few extra moments to serve others in our midst.

Along with her husband and young son, Amy Fenton Lee lives in Cumming, GA.  For more on Amy and her writing see www.amyfentonlee.com and www.theinclusivechurch.com.

Electronic gaming, videos and television privileges have functioned as the discipline currency in my household. We learned a long time ago that both earning and losing time in front of a video monitor molded our young son’s behavior quite effectively.  Recently Watson, my five year old, returned home from school and headed for the television. I gently reminded him that he lost all of his “privileges” due to the previous days’ behavior choices. And indeed he quickly remembered.

The rest of the afternoon was eye-opening for me. Despite the fact my son was still free to occupy himself at his leisure in the toy room; he remained agitated and frustrated, needing constant attention. It was not long before I realized that without electronics involved, my child lacked the ability to self-play! The match box car set, the locking blocks, and the puzzles all sat idle as Watson struggled to find constructive activity for himself.

Like my young son, many children require intentional parenting to develop the ability to self-play. Reflecting on my own growing up and the downtime I spent playing Atari PacMan (yes, I am that old!), video games hold little significance compared to the memories of wading a nearby creek, sponge painting T-shirts, and creating a jar to catch lightening bugs. It was the active play utilizing my imagination and family’s existing resources that I fondly remember: making tents using hollow-stemmed wood poles from our backyard bamboo garden; spending hours exploring the pastures on my grandparents’ farm; searching on scavenger hunts planned by my mother.

As the days of no school and warm weather are here, my husband and I are shifting our child’s reward currency away from electronics and to “popsicle privileges.” In the meantime, I’m planning more activities that better develop my son’s imagination, dexterity, and free-play abilities.

• Search the web for kid-minded projects and recipes for homemade bubbles, play-dough, and body paint. Children are as much enamored with the process of creating as with the end product.
• Take a bucket of water and a handful of medium sized paintbrushes and assign children the task of painting the sidewalk (with water!).
• Don’t under estimate the value of a sandbox. Allowing children to hunt for toys in sand, a bin of dried beans, or dried pasta are good ways to engage a child’s tactile sense.
• Read bed time stories by flashlight on the back porch or in the backyard and take note of the stars in the sky.
• Plant seeds in a garden or pot and make it a daily activity to water the growing flowers or vegetation.
• Find hands-on activities and quiet crafts such as: puzzles, cross word games or beading. Make a daily or weekly schedule that incorporates a few minutes of this same activity as a way of helping your child develop a wind-down hobby.

Along with her husband and young son, Amy Fenton Lee lives in Cumming, GA.  For more on Amy and her writing see www.amyfentonlee.com and www.theinclusivechurch.com.