Becoming a new parent. Is there anything more amazing? Is there anything more terrifying? Is there anything more wonderful?

For some reason the very intelligent people at the hospital give you this tiny being to take home with you, just days after he has come into the world. There is no handbook written specifically for him. There are lots of “how-to” books about babies, but there isn’t one specifically for him.

You come home with this tiny person, and you panic slightly. This very sweet nurse helped you put the baby in the car seat. How do you get him out? What about his neck? Is it going to break if you don’t hold it just right? When should I change his diaper? Now? Does he need to be changed now?

Just as your breathing starts to come in short spurts, you look at your spouse and realize you’re not alone. You have people here to help you. God has placed people around you who are there to help you. God is there to help you.

Breathe deep and relax in the grace and love that is your heavenly Father. Because now you finally have a glimmer of how much love He has for you.

Look at that bundle in the car seat. Ease him out carefully and hold him in your arms. Sit in that gliding rocker that you just “had to have” and experience the love. See that perfect nose. See those adorable toes. Is there anything more amazing than the beauty you are holding in your arms? Absolutely not! He is precious. He is perfect. He is wonderfully made.

Sit there for as long as you need to let the full love and wonder of being a new parent permeate your every being. Sit and imagine the days to come. The first smile. The first giggle. The first time he says “Mama” and “Dada.” So many firsts to come. So many moments to enjoy. Make a promise to yourself right now as you hold your newborn. Promise yourself that you will take the time to enjoy those moments, to live in them, to savor them.

There will be moments that don’t seem worth savoring. Moments with inconsolable tears. Moments when your patience is gone. Moments that are hard and painful. These moments you may want to forget, but don’t. It is after these moments, when we look at our little one and our heart is still so full of love, that God’s perfect love shines through.

Parenting is full of special moments. Each of them is precious. Each of them is unique. Each of them is wonder-full.

Parenting IS wonder-full. Sue Miller and Holly Delich just wrote a brand new book about exactly that. Filled with real stories and beautiful pictures, Parenting Is Wonder-full is a must for every new parent.

All it took was an ice cream cone. When my son first started playing baseball, he was scared to try and hit the ball. He didn’t want to miss. So, we bribed him—and it worked! So of course, you can guess what he said after that first single: “If I get to second base next time, can I get a double scoop?” We laughed but said no. Now that he knew he could do it, the sweet sound of the ball smacking the bat and his feet kicking up dirt as he rounded the bases would be enough. And it has been.

Another time, my 20-something brother came to town and invited my son to go rock-climbing with him. My husband and I honestly didn’t think that Cale would last 30 minutes. But he surprised us—climbing for several hours, literally until his hands gave out. He far exceeded our expectations and rose to the challenge.

Reflecting on this, I think Cale was motivated by several things like the different paths—color-coded by level of difficulty—on the climbing walls. He started with the easier ones to gain some confidence. And also Cale felt safe, knowing my brother held the other end of the rope, ready to catch and lower him down if he slipped.

In the education world, this type of approach is called “scaffolding”—starting with things kids already know or have practiced and encouraging them to stretch and try something new with you as the guide by their side.

That got me thinking about what God expects from each of us in this game called life. His goal isn’t just to weigh us down with a long list of responsibilities—all the things we should do. He also paints a picture of how the world could be and shows us where He’s already at work, inviting us to join Him.

And here’s the interesting thing, when you’re responsible with a little, you tend to be given more: more opportunities, more relationships, more ways that you can use what you’ve been given.

Our series this month in 252 is called, “Great Expectations—will you win Trust?” We show that we trust God when we respond to Him with everything we have—our abilities, our stuff, our words, our time and our actions. Just imagine how the world might change if we lived out these “great expectations” and became even more trustworthy people!

Some things to think about or try:

• Where has your kids/teens been showing signs that they are ready to be responsible, and how can you best motivate them to follow through?

• What new serving opportunities could you and your kid/teen explore together that might be a good challenge and stretch you both in surprising ways?

• Write down something specific that you think your kid/teen has the ability to do that would make the world a better place. See the potential in them and take time to share these positive thoughts one on one this week.

You have your job, finances, house chores, grocery shopping, laundry, pets, and kids. The number of things you are responsible for seems to make life race at a dizzying pace. So when can you find time to teach your kids all those important character-shaping lessons the books talk about? You know it’s your “responsibility”, but what isn’t these days?

Well, that’s exactly what we are here for at Studio252. We know your life leaves little room for brainstorming creative ways to talk with your children about much more than soccer schedules, homework, and dinner options. So, we have already come up with some fun, quick ways to connect with your child as a family this month and teach them about the character of God that they are called to emulate.

This month, we are focusing on a topic we know you can relate to—RESPONSIBILITY! For your kids, we have come up with an easy definition: Responsibility is showing you can be trusted with what’s expected of you.

So check out studio252.tv for some great family activities and ways to teach your child all about responsibility. And who knows?  You may find yourself juggling a few less chores by the end of the month! Here are just a few ideas to get you started in the meantime:

• Watch this month’s CueBox episode as a family to see Jenny learn a valuable lesson in just what it means to show responsibility.
• Let your kids be responsible for dinner one night by following Jon’s easy lasagna recipe
• Spice up chore time by setting a timer and seeing who can complete the chore the fastest
• Play a fun game of “Go Fish” with that pile of lost socks sitting in the laundry room

When our kids were younger, I was working long hours at the church I pastored. My wife was working part time.  The kids were in swimming, music and seasonal sports. And to top it all off, one of them was experiencing night terrors. You know, the kind of terrors where your child screams bloodcurdling cries that convince you a murder is happening down the hall in another bedroom? Those kind of night terrors.

There was one night in particular when my wife and I were both so tired, neither of us thought it was physically possible for us to get up and deal with night terror #638.

Our conversation in bed went something like this:

You get up.

No, you get up.

No, you have to get up. I got up last time.

I can’t get up.

I can’t even more.

Listen, I have to work tomorrow…you have to get up.

I can’t. Won’t. You don’t understand how exhausted I am. You get up or else…

We were both displaying the emotional maturity of a cabbage that night. In fact, when we got up in the morning we both said we understood for the first time in our lives that it was possible for a husband and wife to harm each other. We didn’t, but we felt like we could have. That’s how exhausted we were.

There are some things we understand quite well.

If you consistently spend more money than you make over a long period of time, you will go bankrupt.

If you run out of gas, your car stops working.

If you stop eating, you will get sick and eventually die.

Underneath is is a simple principle: if output is greater than input you suffer. Sometimes fatally.

So why is it that we think that rule doesn’t apply to us as parents?

I am amazed at parents who think that being a great parent = output without input.

Consider this:

We spend more money than we have to give our kids ‘every advantage’

We get up early and stay up late so our kids have a better life.

We so focus our energy and activity around our kids that we rarely have time left over for ourselves.

Much of our days–including weekends–is spent in a tiring cycle of work, household chores, kids activities, homework, sports, lessons, church and more.

What we came to understand in that season of life is that parents have needs too. Not just kids. And if the input into our lives isn’t greater than the output, you start to run flat or you go bankrupt.

That’s why it’s so critical for parents to put themselves first when it comes to personal growth.

Your kids (and the world) are making constant emotional, spiritual, relational and physical withdrawals. The only way to counterbalance this is to make sure that you are prioritizing healthy emotional, spiritual, relational and physical deposits.

This week, make a deposit into each account. Get yourself in a position where you can replenish yourself. Here are some ideas:

Do something you love to do. It will replenish you emotionally.

Spend some time alone with God. It will replenish you spiritually.

Hang out with a friend or family member who gives you life…you know, the kind of person that always makes you better when you’re around them?  It will replenish you relationally.

Go for a walk, a run, a bike ride or do something physically rewarding, and then go to bed early. Shoot for eight hours of sleep at least one night (trade off the kids with someone if you need to). It will replenish you physically.

Once you’ve done each of these for a week, start working them into your calendar. If you stay fresh, you will be so much easier to be around. You’ll snap at the kids and at each other less. And you’ll be living the way God designed you to live, and maybe you’ll even find some joy in the journey.

What have you found helps you stay away from emotional, spiritual, relational or physical bankruptcy?

]]> http://www.orangeparents.org/bankrupt-parents/feed/ 10 http://www.orangeparents.org/help_dont_hinder/ http://www.orangeparents.org/help_dont_hinder/#comments Mon, 30 Apr 2012 14:22:34 +0000 Orange Parent http://www.orangeparents.org/?p=6946 [read more]]]>

By Gina McClain

Our oldest son is in the 6th grade.  He’s close to exiting his pre-teen season and fully embrace the realm of teen-hood. (This is a great opportunity for you to pray for me.)

Over the past year he’s grown into a young man that loves his hair, girls and his own opinion.  In fact, he’s grown increasingly bold about sharing his opinion. A once relatively passive young boy that rolled with the punches, today he’s more apt to let us know when he disagrees and why. It’s a new world for us.

The most important opinion Keegan will exercise over the next few years is what he believes regarding God, God’s word and God’s plan for his life. You see, what his dad and I believe will increasingly take a backseat to what Keegan believes. And this is what should happen in order for Keegan to embrace his own faith and not simply assume ours.

But there is a way that we (as parents) can HINDER this work that God is doing in his life...

• We can hinder by telling him what he should think. He’s got to be able to think for himself. That means he needs to wrestle through the problem, weigh it against God’s word and wade through his own thoughts.

• We can hinder by not allowing him to disagree. Though it’s so simple, the wrong move is to NOT allow him to have an opposing opinion. Forcing an agreement shuts down the conversation and closes the door on the next open conversation.

• We can hinder by not validating his thought process. Some of the theories our son conjures are comical. But the danger lies in our response. The temptation is to laugh, chide or simply ignore. Fighting to find a way to validate the thought process encourages him to continue to exercise that muscle. In the end, I want my kids to learn how to think through an argument so they can further validate what they believe and defend their faith. Even if his conclusion is wrong, it doesn’t make the effort wrong.

• We can hinder by not listening. The biggest culprit. I quickly communicate how much I value (or devalue) my son’s faith by how much I’m willing to shut my mouth and simply listen.

Or there are ways we can HELP this work that God is doing in his life…

• We can help by creating opportunities for conversation. Spending time together creates opportunities for open dialog. Often our busy schedules can smother any chance we have to simply sit and chat.

• We can help by showing them what Scripture says. Helping our kids navigate the Bible so they can learn what God’s word has to say is one of the best skills you can teach them. But show them. . .don’t just preach to them.

• We can help by listening, listening, listening.  My ability to shut my mouth and open my ears will go a long way toward investing in my son’s relationship with Christ. Whether he is right, wrong or indifferent. I’ve got to simply listen to his opinion, his thoughts and his interpretations. From that I am better equipped to guide him and pray for him.

• We can help by praying over them and for them. I take my son to school every Friday morning. I enjoy that drive. Typically we listen to music of his choice and we talk. Often I pray over him as we get closer to the school. I want Keegan to hear my heart spoken to God about him. It’s an opportunity to sew words of confidence, encouragement and faith into his heart. Then when he’s out of the car, I take more time to pray for him. For the challenges he will face throughout the day. For the decisions he’ll make. For the influence he will have.

• We can help by not freaking out!  This should probably be in the number one slot. The last thing we should do is freak out. My son’s buddy at school is Buddhist. I can’t freak out about that. He can’t keep him mind off girls. I can’t freak out about that. He thinks he’s going to strike it rich one day because of a magnetic, hover craft transportation system he’s conjured in his head will set him for life. I can’t freak out about that. At 12 years old, wise decisions are not his forte. But he’s learning. And I can’t freak out in the meantime. It’s critical that I remember Who is in control, Who is ordering Keegan’s steps, and Who cares more about Keegan’s relationship with Christ than I do.

As parents, we have a choice as to whether we will hinder or help our kids as they grown in their faith. We can all agree that deep down, we really just want to help. What ways have you found hinder or help your kids?

Gina McClain is the Children’s Ministry Director at Faith Promise Church in Knoxville, Tennessee. Gina is driven by the idea of equipping parents for the journey of teaching their kids how to follow Christ. Based upon her experience as a mom, she identifies with the everyday challenges parents wade through. Gina and her husband, Kyle, have three kids, Keegan, Josie and Connor

When I was a kid my mom taught us a song about a snail named Herbert who needed to learn to have patience. Being the awesome big sister that I was, I often sang it to my brother whenever he was getting impatient. Of course, this always helped to bring him patience—not! Soon, this silly song became our way of irritating each other whenever we recognized that we were about to lose our patience.

Several years later, as I was raising four little kids and feeling a little stressed, I would find myself singing that song. As I watched my little girls growing impatient with each other or with that shoe they just couldn’t tie, I would sing them the song about the impatient snail.

When I was a kid, I thought my mom was teaching us that song to help us learn patience. But now that I’m older, I realize she was singing that song to remind herself to have patience.

I have to admit that I’ve lost my patience more than once. I can clearly remember a day at the park. I was there with several mom friends—using my “nice mom” voice. During that time, one of my girls pitched a fit when she couldn’t have the swing, one of them threw their lunch on the ground, one had to go to the potty every five seconds, and then they had a melt down as I tried to drag them across the parking lot to the car when it was time to go.

I falsely kept a smile on face the whole time. Buckled them in while taking deep cleansing breaths as they screeched. And the second I got in the van and shut the door I hollered: “I’ve had enough! I don’t want to hear another peep until we get home.” I yelled so loudly that I shocked them. Total silence for about five seconds. Then they all started to cry. Yep. I’d been pushed to the limit. I’d lost my patience.

I’ve been taught that love is patient. And I love my kids more than life. So, why is it so hard to be patient? Here’s why. I’m not perfect. I’m human. I’ve got a long way to go. I want to be patient . . . but sometimes I’m not. I don’t want to be pushy and snippy and impatient . . . but sometimes I am.

Here are a few things that help me when I’m struggling for patience:

1. I watch my tone. When I’m impatient my tone is short, bossy and snippy. When I choose a kinder tone I seem to be able to communicate with patience.

2. I step away. I know this is not always possible. But I’ve been known to lock myself in the bathroom for a few minutes or go for a walk until I find my happy place.

3. I listen to music. Happy music. I have a playlist of happy songs and when I feel my impatience boiling  up I turn up the tunes. Music has the ability to change my mood.

4. I look into their faces. When I look into the eyes of those kids that I love, it communicates something to my heart. It reminds me that I’m shaping who they will become. It smoothes out my patience.

5. I remember that others are patient with me. There’s a part in the Herbert the snail song that says, “Remember that God is patient too, and think of all the times when others have to wait for you.” Many have been and continue to be PATIENT with me. I’ve been on the receiving end and I know how good it feels.

What about you? Do you ever lose your patience with those little people you are trying to raise? What do you do when you are trying to gain patience with your kids?

I remember the day I turned thirteen. I was thinking of my red three speed bike with the banana seat, sissy bar and raised handlebars. I loved it, but I knew it was a kids’ bike and soon I’d have to ride a ten speed like every other teenager. I wish I could say I was excited about becoming a teenager, but the emotions were really mixed.

For one thing, ‘teenager’ wasn’t a great word back in the late seventies. At least from the perspective of a thirteen-year old, most adults seemed to either fear them or loathe them.

Secondly, I was the oldest child in my family of four kids and the only son. So I didn’t really have anyone to look up to in my family who could show me what being a teenager was like. I knew some teens for sure, but I knew they were into things that I probably didn’t want to get into. In the moment, going back a year to being twelve or even eleven seemed like a better option than turning thirteen.

I don’t remember having anyone to talk to about any of this. I could talk to my dad, for sure, but how do you have a conversation like that? I wasn’t even sure what I was feeling, let alone did I know how to articulate it. And while there were lots of adults around me, I didn’t really understand that I might be able to talk to them about life.

Ever been there as a kid?

Fast forward a few decades. I’m a father now with two sons who are four and seven years past their thirteenth birthdays.  I remember when they turned thirteen, I tried to initiate a conversation with them, just in case they felt like I did. Let’s just say the conversation was super friendly and super short. They either didn’t struggle with it, or, maybe, they didn’t feel like talking to their dad about it.

All of which reminds me of the importance of a wider circle.

I’m so thankful my kids are growing up realizing that there are other adults they can talk to that actually want to invest in them. They each have a small circle of a half dozen or so adults or young adults they have meaningful relationships with. Some have been mentors to them, others have been small group leaders or church staff.  Others are family members, friends and neighbors. They don’t need to be alone, and they’re not alone. I know they’ve had many conversations with their wider circles–some of which I’ll never know about. And for that, I’m incredibly grateful.

Do your kids have a wider circle of influence? Maybe it’s a small group leader at church, or a teacher who’s taken a special interest in them, or an uncle or an aunt they feel comfortable with. Whoever it is, it’s just important that someone is there. And as an adult, you can help foster those relationships.

Oh, and by the way, I still ride a bike.  And while it’s not red, it’s a ten speed road bike that I like even a little more than my beloved banana seat bike. Growing up wasn’t so bad after all.

Who have you got in your children’s life that can provide that wider circle of influence? What are you doing to encourage those relationships?

Image found on FanPop, Show owned by ABC.

By Gina McClain

I grew up watching The Brady Bunch. As part of our after-school television line up, Brady Bunch reruns were a favorite past time for me. From Marsha’s broken nose, to the infamous broken vase incident. . .I loved the Brady family. There was a simplicity to life portrayed among the Brady’s. Raising six kids can’t be easy no matter what era you raise them in. But Mrs. Brady had an advantage that every parent needs:

the “Alice Factor.”

You see, Alice was equally invested in the Brady clan. You didn’t have to go far to see that she cared as deeply for the Brady kids as if they were her own children. When they hurt, she hurt. When they struggled, she struggled. And when they fought. . .well. . .she settled it. Alice had a subtle way of revealing the right perspective when Mike and Carol were simply missing it. As creative sitcom writers would have it, Mr. & Mrs. Brady had a trusted sounding board they could turn to for a listening ear and a source of wisdom.

With the antics that take place in my home, sometimes I wonder if I’ve got sitcom writers secretly feeding my kids ideas on how to test the limits of my parenting. And just like Mrs. Brady, I need an ‘Alice’ in my life. I need someone in my life willing to listen and wise enough to tell me the truth. Though there are plenty of people I could choose to confide in and find solace. . .solace is not always what I need. I need wisdom.

I’m a better parent when I invite others to invest in my parenting. When I intentionally seek out those that are proven to be trustworthy and wise. When I give them opportunity to take a peak into my heart, see my fears, speak into my life and give me guidance. When I invite them to ask me hard questions and hold me accountable. We call it Widening the Circle. Inviting others to invest in our children so our sons and daughters have other voices that shape and determine the direction of their lives.

Take a look around you. Who do you know that is willing to speak truth in love when no one else will? Who’s wisdom is rooted in God’s Word rather than the fluctuating opinions of our world. Who won’t back down because they love you enough to apply pressure when needed.

Do you have the “Alice Factor” in your life?

Gina McClain is the Children’s Ministry Director at Faith Promise Church in Knoxville, Tennessee. Gina is driven by the idea of equipping parents for the journey of teaching their kids how to follow Christ. Based upon her experience as a mom, she identifies with the everyday challenges parents wade through. Gina and her husband, Kyle, have three kids, Keegan, Josie and Connor.

Guest Post by Tahni Cullen

“Pray for others that you may be healed,” (James 5:16). These words wouldn’t leave me alone. I really needed some encouragement––a prayer, a note, anything. From somebody. From an “other.” Six months into my Josiah’s autism diagnosis, I was enticed by waves of despair.

I needed someone to listen, to ask about “it,” but more importantly, to really understand. But my usual support system was eerily silent and I felt like we had been relocated to the Island of Misfit Toys. I put on my smile every day, but I was a wreck inside and dismayed that few seemed to pick up on my need.

Life continued to go on all around me—but now our life as we knew it was horribly distorted, disfigured, undone. For the first time, even God seemed distant when I needed him to be close. I wasn’t so sure He could be trusted with that which I held most dear.

I didn’t have a grid for dealing with an autism declaration paired with repeated blows—“cause unknown, cure unknown, lifelong.” I looked at my beautiful, curly headed two-year-old boy and tried to peer into his foggy future. He had been progressing normally and then just stopped mysteriously, and over a fateful three weeks lost skills and retreated into himself. Society told me to learn to cope. God told me never to give up hope. These two options created an odd emotional and spiritual friction.

It’s now four years since my son was diagnosed with autism. He still doesn’t have functional speech and works very hard to play and learn, but he releases more joy than anyone I know. I’ve learned from him about the power of releasing, and know he will fulfill a powerful destiny.

Something changed in me the day that I took the phrase, “Pray for others that you may be healed,” and started practicing a new way of releasing. I looked for people to pray for. I became observant.

I decided I would stop and pray right then for people who were hurting. I would listen for the tone of their voices when they said they were “fine,” and see if there was more behind their “fine.” When I intentionally gave away the very thing that I needed myself, I was being healed. And the hope and encouragement I needed generously boomeranged back from unexpected places.

Tahni Cullen is a ministry director at Eagle Brook Church in St. Paul, Minn., and blogs about her family’s journey with autism at www.HopingNotCoping.WordPress.com. She has been married for 13 years to Joe, and has a son Josiah (age 6).

April is National Autism Awareness month. We hope that you will take this opportunity to understand as much as you can about autism. You can learn more by visiting the CDC website, but here are some preliminary facts to consider:

• There are three different kinds of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD):
  Autistic disorder, Asperger Syndrome, Pervasive Development Syndrome.
• Autism is more common than pediatric cancer, diabetes, and AIDS combined.
• It occurs in all races, ethnicities, and social groups.
• Boys with autism outnumber girls 1 to 5.
• There is currently no known cause or cure.
• Early intervention services can improve a child’s development.