Birthdays.

Vacation.

What is your family waiting for?

Instead of twiddling your thumbs and watching the clock slowly tick the seconds away, make the most of the time you have now by talking as a family about the importance of patience.

At Studio252, we are spending the month of May giving you some great tools to use as a parent to talk with your family and learn all about patience: waiting until later for what you want now. Want to get started right away? Try these few ideas to get your started!

• Have a family movie night and watch the Studio252 team learn an important lesson in this month’s Studio252 episode.
• Plant a few flowers and wait together as you watch them grow.
• Bake your favorite recipe and show some patience as it bakes to perfection.
• Have a family game night and practice patiently waiting your turn.

Whether you are waiting on a promotion at work, Fun Friday at school or a delicious batch of your Mawmaw’s Gooey Pecan Bars, patience is a virtue we all should master! So stop by Studio252.tv during the month of May and discover all these tips and so much more!

By Terry Scalzitti

Some friends of mine recently told me they were at their wit’s end. They had two children who—in their words—were “driving them crazy.” Since they didn’t think that destination would change anytime soon, they asked for some practical ways to improve their patience with their kids. Should they count to ten?  Should they walk out of the room? While those might seem like a few good go-to options for most parents, they’re can actually be counterproductive.

My friends were puzzled by my response. I told them that patience is a lot like “capital.”  Much like money in the bank, we all have different amounts of Patience Capital or “PC” in our banks. From time to time, our children will make a withdrawal from our banks. When our accounts run dry, we typically say things like “I’m running out of patience” or “I’m trying to be patient with you.”  In these moments, we’re actually on overdraft protection mode! The reality is that we all must take some steps to re-build our PC accounts. Here are a few ways to grow your PC accounts so that you won’t bankrupt your patience!

1. Spend consistent quality time with your children. Many times, our children make their greatest withdrawal from our PC accounts when they want our attention. Spending intentional time after work or on the weekends with your children outside of the normal routine will put “PC” back in your account. Remember what Reggie Joiner says: “It’s not quality time or quantity time, but the quantity of quality times.”

2. Build clear expectations by creating a rhythm in your home. Every family has a unique rhythm. Yours might be double-time or adagissimo (very slow). Whatever it is, these rhythms help children have clear expectations for their time. When children know what to expect at certain times during the day, they will develop initiative and drive which helps them develop independence. When children develop independence, they are able to have personal boundaries which helps moms and dads not dip in their PC savings account.

3. Develop clear consequences for poor choices. Specifying clear consequences for our children and following through with them helps our children know where the boundary line is. Too often, parents will move the line with each infraction which encourages our kids to push the line. When our children push the line, we dip into our PC accounts and run the risk of over drafting .

4. Remember that emotions carry a PC withdrawal fee. In those inevitable moments when our children push the line, we run the risk of taking things personally. In these moments, our emotions can accelerate PC spending. When we remember that poor choices are part of the training process for children, we are able to budget our PC appropriately.

Following just a few these suggestions will help you build a PC surplus which will allow you to avoid running out of patience. Spend your PC wisely!

Terry Scalzitti is Associate Pastor for Adult and Family Ministries at First Baptist Fort Lauderdale. He and his wife Jennifer have a son, Connor, and spend their free time enjoying the outdoors and watching Terry’s beloved Chicago Cubs.

So when you first became a family, you likely thought that you would never have a fight.

You would be a perfect couple.

Your son would discipline himself, and your daughter would, well, never sin because she’s your daughter.

How’s that going?

Hasn’t really turned out that way, has it?

The sad reality is that every family fights. As much as we don’t like it, we do. Most of us realize fighting is destructive and likely unChristian, but we don’t know what to do about it.

And the stakes are high.

Families, break up or break down as a result.

So what do you do about fighting?

Well, if you’re going to fight, just fight differently. There are actually two ways for a family to fight.

You can fight with your each other.

Or you can fight for each other.

These two small words– for and with–represent a world of difference in how you fight.

Most of us have only ever had someone fight with us. If someone fights with you:

It’s a zero sum game.

They need to win and you need to lose and you need to win in order for them to lose.

The people who fight care more about themselves than anyone.

Both walk away feeling diminished–usually even the ‘victor’ does over time. Contrast that with fighting for someone. When you fight for someone:

You’re fighting for them so you want to see them better off.

The fight is happening because you want to see them win, not because you want to win.

You care more about their interests than you do about yours.

Both walk away replenished– with the relationship stronger in the short and long term. Even if the other person doesn’t respond well, you have done everything in your power to help them, not hurt them.

Fighting for your family means you want their best interests to prevail, not yours.

It means that when there’s conflict, the conflict is about moving through an issue so the person you’re fighting with is better off, not that so that you are right or feel vindicated.

And finally it means that everyone leaves better than before the fight rather than depleted. Relationships are stronger and the issues got dealt with in a way that actually helped your family move forward.

You know who taught us this?

Jesus.

No one modeled fighting for someone (rather than with someone) better than Jesus. As his enemies nailed him to the cross, he said “Father forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.”

What they didn’t realize of course, is that this Jesus they were killing was dying for them. He was fighting for them while they were fighting with him, and it changed the world.

So what do you think would happen if families started fighting for each other rather than with each other.

Question….when was the last time you fought for your family rather than with them?

This week, fight for your spouse. Fight for your kids. Fight for the relationships that matter most. It could change your family forever.

I really think we could learn a lot about friendship from our kids, especially when they are young. I’m always amazed at how easily kids can make friends on the playground, at the ball park, or in line at the grocery store. Maybe it’s just easier to strike up play when you’re younger than conversation when you’re older. They also must have short-term memories. They are screaming at each other one minute and laughing together the next! That’s a lesson in forgiveness right there!

But knowing how to be a good friend over time is not always intuitive for our kids. My daughter, Sara, came in one afternoon as dramatic as any girl would . . .upset that no one liked her. It broke her momma’s heart. She just didn’t understand how no one wanted to play with her. If you knew my Sara, you would know she is sweet, fun, and creative. But she can also be a little bossy.

I was thankful for the opportunity to impart a little wisdom. Rather than coddle her and bash her “friends” like I was tempted to do, I pointed out that it’s not always easy to know how to be a good friend. And that maybe she could practice becoming a better one. Someone they would want to be around. When the time was right, I shared this advice with her:

1. People love it when you compliment them. Have you ever told your friends you really like their ideas? You liked what they were wearing? You thought they were funny?

2. Sometimes you have to sacrifice what you want to do —even if you don’t feel like doing what they want to do or you think your idea is better. Good friends give and take. Especially when it comes to sharing ideas, conversations, and activities. And no one likes to be told what to do, not even you!

3. Do what you wish they would do for you. Think of what would make you feel special, and do it for others. Bring them snacks. Let them borrow something you like. Write them a sweet note. But don’t expect anything in return. Because that’s what good friends do!

4. Don’t take it personally. Your friends are trying to figure out how to be better friends, too. We all tend to think about ourselves more than others, so sometimes you just have to give them a break.

I was intent on not lecturing, just offering some ideas that might help. But Sara didn’t seem to even be listening. I imagined she thought I was being ridiculous. Maybe she was still wallowing in her self pity. She was completely silent through her tears and never said a word in reply. Still, I let her know that no matter what, I loved her to the moon and back.

A couple of days later, she flew in the house—ecstatic. She said, “Mommy, it worked!!” I had no idea what she was talking about. She had to remind me, “Those things you told me to try, they worked!! I’m practicing how to be a good friend, and it’s working!”

I’m sure there’s no greater joy than to know you’re helping your children grow in areas where they might flounder on their own. I know you have your own wisdom to share with your kids on how to be a good friend. As far as my advice, I probably have some practicing to do, too!

How are you helping your kids be a better friend?

Karen Wilson works at Orange and is the Managing Editor for the OrangeParents blog. She and her husband Mark have two children, Elijah (10) and Sara (8).

This past Friday, April 12, 2013, Brennan Manning, someone many would consider a giant of the faith, passed away.

I first came across Brennan Manning’s writing in high school. I checked out a book of his from the church library, because it had the word “ragamuffin” in the title—a word I’d never heard of, and an author I’d never heard of. On the way out, I ran into our pastor who asked what I had decided on. “The Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning,” I answered. “Ah,” he nodded with—how I remember it—a bit of a twinkle in his eye. “Some would consider him a bit of a heretic.” He smiled, and went on his way. And me? I was more intrigued than ever.

I never returned The Ragamuffin Gospel to my church library. (In fact, I probably owe them a good bit of money from that unreturned book) But I couldn’t bear to let it go. It was the first book that once I finished, I immediately started reading all over again.

I couldn’t get enough.

For me, Brennan Manning’s The Ragamuffin Gospel is a stone of remembrance, marking a time when God showed Himself to me in a way I never anticipated but so badly needed. Manning’s vulnerable words drew an image of God that haunted me. Pulled me in. Allowed me to fall in love with my Heavenly Father, making me believe like nothing else had before, that not only did this God love me back—He may actually like me.

Turns out, the word “ragamuffin” means “a ragged unkempt person”—a word Brennan used to describe the human condition—himself included. He wrote of the “unkemptness” of us all, and the extravagant, boundless grace that’s sought us, found us, taken hold of us—the hopeful absurdity of it all. It was a breath of fresh air—and a game changer. If this was true, if God could love us exactly as we are, no conditions, He was indeed a safe place to land. And so I landed. There. Believing this extraordinary certainty

These days, as a parent, Brennan’s insistent words come to mind often—remembering the way my young faith hinged on the confidence that this God existed. Every child deserves the chance to be introduced to this God. A God who loves them. Accepts them. Likes them. A God whose pursuit of them isn’t dependent on good behavior, polished manners or complete understanding. A God who wants nothing more than to meet them and tell them—again, and again, again, “You are fine. And you are mine—just the way you are.” Every child warrants this. And no one is in a better position to make this introduction than a parent.

As a mom, I think if I can get my boys to get that, to believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are loved and they are accepted, then I consider mine a job well done. And so on most days, teaching that, and just that, is my aim.

You could say, thanks to Brennan Manning, I’m attempting to raise a couple of ragamuffins—kids who won’t have it all together—and know that’s okay. But who also know there is no greater gift than grace, and no greater God than the one who offers it without requiring a thing in return. And if my kids—our kids— can get that, then they too, with all their unkemptness, brokenness and raggedness can safely and permanently land in the beautiful, unfaltering and grace-full arms of their Heavenly Father.

Thank you, Brennan. Well done.

Sarah Anderson writes for the XP3 student curriculum at Orange. She is married to Rodney Anderson and is mom to two beautiful bouncy boys, Asher and Pace.

A shoulder to cry on.
A partner in crime.
A helping hand.

We all need friends. We need friends to share inside jokes with. We need friends to help us carry the burdens of life. We need friends to eat the rest of the ice cream so we don’t finish an entire gallon on our own. Friendship is something we need as adults as well as something we obsess over for our children.

Will my child have any friends?
Will my child have the wrong friends?
Will my child be a good friend?

And it’s exactly what we will be talking about this month at studio252.tv! We are dedicating the whole month of April to the life app, Friendship. For your child, we have simply defined friendship as: spending time with someone you trust and enjoy. All month long we will share ideas and activities to get your family talking about friendship. In fact, here are just a few ideas to get you started:

• Grab some popcorn and watch the monthly Cue Box episode as a family
• Throw a pizza party
• Encourage encouragements
• Invite a friend to church with your family

There’s all this plus so much more coming this month! So take a look around studio252.tv and get some great tips on ways to talk to your child about the difference between the kid on the bus who steals his pencils and the kid next door who helps with his chores. And hopefully you will both learn a lot about how to choose a good friend and how to be a good friend!

Book Review by Cara Martens

Last night, I let the kids stay up later even though it was a school night. And Saturday, I let them play video games a little longer than usual. My two kids were enjoying playing together, judging by all the belly laughs.

I could even hear them encouraging each other, instead of the normal teasing and whining. It was so amazing, I didn’t want to be the one to end it.

It made me think of a great book that I read called Nurture Shock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. They dedicate a whole chapter to the myth that there’s nothing we can do about siblings fighting.

It made complete sense why it’s such an issue when they pointed out that almost all of a kid’s time outside the home is spent with peers their own age. So, of course they need to learn how to get along with kids of other ages who have more or less experience, different interests and personalities.

If this sounds helpful, just wait until you hear about the other 9 myths they tackle:

We think it’s good to praise kids but… research shows it’s actually not good to tell kids they are smart. They are more motivated when we notice and encourage their effort and process, since that’s the part they can actively control, not intelligence.

We think it’s OK for kids to get less sleep as they get older but… research shows that around the world, kids get at least an hour less sleep than 30 years ago. The cost: IQ points, emotional well-being, ADHD, and obesity. Most kids need a full ten hours of rest to reach their full potential each day.

We think saying general things teaches them diversity but… research shows that expressions like “We can all be friends” and “Skin-color doesn’t matter” is not enough to help kids understand. They categorize to make sense of the world and they draw their own conclusions. Be direct and give specific examples of what this looks like.

We think kids learn not to lie when we punish them but… research shows that classic strategies to promote truthfulness actually just encourage kids to be better liars! Help them come up with a way to get back in good standing with you, since they want to please and not upset you, which is usually why they lie in the first place.

We think admission to special programs and schools predicts later success but… research says that after studying the development of millions of kids in Gifted and Talented programs and Private Schools starting as early as kindergarten, that since kids continue to develop—admissions committees get it wrong 73% of the time.

We think that arguments and frustration is a natural part of raising a teenager but… research shows that, for adolescents, arguing with adults is a sign of their respect, not disrespect and that arguing can be constructive, not deconstructive, to a relationship. Who knew?

We think self-control has nothing to do with learning but… research shows that developers of a new kind of preschool keep losing their grant money because their young students end up so successful that they’re not considered “at-risk” enough anymore to qualify. And helping kids to develop self-control is their secret!

We think hands-on parenting turns out nicer kids but… research shows that more modern involved style of parenting has failed to produce a generation of angels. We need to show our kids how to play well and think of others, not just arrange play dates. We have to help them learn to compromise and reconcile—to seek resolution in challenging situations.

We think giving our kids a head start involves certain books, videos or toys but… research shows that (despite all the protest from scientists), parents still spend billions every year on gimmicks and things promised in ads, hoping to jump start infants language skills. But this and other similar products don’t pay off as promised. So what does?

This book helps sort out some commonly believed fiction that has been quoted so much it feels like fact. But here are some other key reasons I recommend this book over some other parenting books I’ve read:

• It’s not touchy feely—too emotional OR on the other extreme, too scientific.
• It’s practical and relatable– we experience these contradictions almost every day.
• It’s credible- these researchers have gathered not only from their own work, but others.

Want to read more?

Get it here or Check out Nurture Shock’s website!

I’d love to hear what you think! What myth resonates most with you?

Cara Martens is the 252 Groups Director at Orange. She loves to write, research, and develop creative ideas. Cara and her husband Kevin live in Texas with their two kids Cale, 10 and Riley, 8.

By Sarah Anderson

My husband often tells me “the happiest and healthiest people are those whose expectations meet reality.” I frequently need reminding of this. I live in expectation—anticipation—playing things out in my head of how I would like them to unfold. The problem is, as you might imagine, the more expectations I have, the more likely I am to be disappointed when they aren’t met. Thinking through how I would like things to be is far from a guarantee of how they will actually happen.

There may be no other realm in life where expectation and reality land in such vastly different places than raising children. Anyone who thought they knew how to parent before having kids will quickly retract every adamantly vocalized expectation once they actually become a parent.

Still, imagining the future is a hard habit to break. Last Easter, I had expectations which seemed harmless enough. My husband had come across an egg dying method involving silk ties and twine.

Though craftiness deficient, even this seemed simple enough. I imagined our experiment unfolding like the pictures online promised. We included my two-year-old in the process, hyping it up, promising beautiful eggs when we were finished and he waited patiently for the great unveiling.

But when we unwrapped the first egg we were—disappointed. It was not some psychedelic paisley print. It looked exactly like it did when we first put it in the vinegar. Considering my son came from my gene pool and was in the throes of the terrible twos, I did not expect this rather anti-climactic reveal to go well.

But when we took a deep breath and turned to Asher to navigate his unmet expectations he simply stared wide-eyed at the egg. “Look!” he whispered in unabashed astonishment, “It’s a white one!”

The clash between expectations and reality start to get to me, until I take a cue from a toddler who offers more wisdom than I give him credit for. Unwrapping a perfectly white egg, I observe my little boy and his effortless expression of wonder. It was an Easter weekend miracle—at least to an innocent toddler. To me, these white eggs were a failure.

To him, they were perfection.

Parenting provides an abundance of moments where things look so much better, smoother, and easier in our heads than how they actually transpire.

It starts with the day you bring your baby home from the hospital. But the assault of “this isn’t really how I imagined it going” doesn’t end there. Nearly every moment that follows potentially involves a lot more frustration and a lot less ease than we might prefer.

Which leads me to believe—by way of a two-year old’s astuteness—that maybe disappointment isn’t inevitable when expectations fall flat. Maybe discontentment doesn’t have to be the end when the means are fumbled.

Maybe, if we can take our eyes off the “should haves” and “if onlys”,  we just might be left with a sense of wonder—even if, and especially when, things are nothing like we thought they would be. Or, in these wise words I recently read, maybe what we consider the detour is actually the road.

My kids are teaching me—whether I like it or not—that when I let go of my tightly held plans, I am more free to see the world as they do.

Magical.

Enchanting.

An extended invitation to be present, thankful and captivated by the gift of what we do have, instead of lamenting what isn’t.

So this Easter, while trying to

get out the door to church,
smooth dresses,
wipe dirty mouths,
break up arguments and
appear as cool, calm and collected as you wish you felt,
take a moment to enjoy the white eggs in your life.

Your expectations may not be met, but you may just find yourself happier and healthier than if they had been.

Sarah Anderson writes for the XP3 student curriculum at Orange. She is married to Rodney Anderson and is mom to two beautiful bouncy boys, Asher and Pace.

So this might date me, but let me tell you what it was like when I was a kid. If I got in trouble at school, I got in twice as much trouble at home. I think there are more than a few parents who remember that.

So what happened?

Consider one of CNN’s most shared articles written by a  teacher about “What Teachers Really Want to Tell Parents.” I don’t agree with everything he says, but I think he may have a point.

If you rescue kids from every potentially negative consequence associated with their behavior, how will they ever desire deep change?

Why do we want to shelter our kids from the consequences of their actions?

Why do we side with our kids, not the teacher?

Why do we help them so much with their homework that it’s pretty much our project?

Why do we intervene in their relationships to make sure all the hurt feelings get eased?

Why do we pick up their socks and towels?

Doesn’t it make sense to let them experience some cause and effect early in life before the stakes are higher?

What if our kids started experiencing these kinds of scenarios while they’re still at home?

• If you don’t study, you might fail the test.
• If you spend all your allowance at the mall, that simply means you won’t be able to use it for anything else. And the bank doesn’t reopen until next allowance.
• If you stayed up too late, you still have to go to school. I guess it means you’ll miss out tomorrow night when you want to hang out with your friends so you can rest up. That’s too bad.
• I doubt the teacher would have called home if there were no issue. So let’s try to get to the bottom of it, shall we?

It’s a little easier than to experience these kinds of consequences later in life:

• If you don’t learn grammar and proper punctuation, you might not be able to keep that job you’re so excited about.
• The credit card companies are a little less forgiving than mom and dad were when it comes to repayment.
• Your spouse might be less tolerant of your gaming addiction than your momma and daddy were.
• When you say things like that, it actually poisons a relationship. Real people get really hurt.

In fact, as a parent, you hardly need to get angry with your kids for messing up if you allow them to feel the consequences of their action. They’ll feel it. And they might stop.

The stakes are much lower at age 5 or 15 than they are at 25 or 45. So why not help them experience cause and effect now?

What consequence do you think your child or teen might need to feel this week?

My grandmother used to tell me about a parenting strategy she used to us to get my mom and uncles to tell the truth when they were kids.

If she suspected one of her children was lying, she would line them up and tell them that she was going to inspect their foreheads. Every time one of the kids asked why, she simply said, “Because when I see your forehead, I can tell who’s telling the truth or not.”

Inevitably, as she went down the line, the child who was lying would cover their forehead so my grandma couldn’t see. Then my grandmother would proceed to them and say “So it was you. Now I know.”

Clearly, she was a genius.

I suppose using a game of deception to encourage honesty might not be the best parenting idea going, but you have to give her points for ingenuity.

What my grandmother struggled with is what every parent struggles with: how do I get my kids to be honest?

I suppose some of you have some parenting tricks you’d love to share (we’re all ears here), but here are a few strategies that can help you foster the kind of atmosphere that values truth:

1. Start talking about honesty early. If you begin the conversation early, you can establish honesty as a core value in your home. You can reward a toddler’s behavior every time they tell you they did something bad. Well that wasn’t right and we’ll have to do something about it, but I’m SO glad you told me the truth. Thank you! That’s so important!

2. Discourage dishonesty even more than you discourage the crime. We all make mistakes. But we don’t have to lie about them.   If your child does something wrong, consequences are in order. But if they lie about what they did, make the consequences greater. If all you do is punish the act, you might be giving them unspoken incentive to lie about the act.

3. Don’t lie. I was going to say this more tactfully, but maybe we need to be direct. Almost all of us tell white lies from time to time. Ever been caught  in front of your kids trying to come up with an excuse to get out of something? Oh, just tell them you’re busy, I know you really don’t want to go. Or maybe your kids have overheard you talking about how to get that ‘extra’ day off on your vacation. Well, you could call in sick. Ouch. They model what you do more than they model what you say.

4. Search for a way to tell the truth. While this might not work well with two-year-old, but as your kids get older, explain the dilemma you find yourself in when you are tempted to tell a ‘white lie’. For example, you might say, “I really want to tell her I liked the brocoli salad, but I didn’t. So I found the things I did like and told her about that. . . such as, “I so appreciate all the time and effort you put into making the meal. Thank you!” It teaches your kids to search for a way to tell the truth when we all have trouble finding it. And it teaches them to value honesty in every situation.

5. Talk about your struggles. As your kids get older, talk about your struggles to tell the truth. Tell them about how easy it is to lie in order to not hurt someone’s feelings, and how you really have to wrestle with being 100% honest at work in every situation. When you let them know it’s still a struggle for you, it validates the struggle they feel within themselves. It’s also another way to establish the value of honesty as a core value not just in your home, but in your lives.

What are you learning about valuing honesty in your home? What would you add to the discussion?