This month’s issue of Scientific American Mind is about your memory and learning how to erase distractions. It challenges the idea that the brain is simply a “passive storage unit.” The editors suggest that your mind “behaves like a seamstress who sews concepts from threads of vital information while snipping away extraneous material.”

According to the special report, “the best memory is not the one that holds the most data, but the one that can deftly distinguish between the pieces to keep and those to discard.” The brain is evidently intricately designed to prioritize information. Without that ability our memories would be overloaded with so much negative, superfluous and competing content that we would ultimately shutdown or go insane.

The brain is amazing. What you can learn to forget or remember definitely helps you survive. It’s the reason why—

You forget the details of walking in on your parents when they were. . .
A baby doesn’t remember getting circumcised.
A wife is willing to give birth to another child.
Someone can love again after they have been deeply hurt.
People can start over after a natural disaster.
No one really remembers a politician’s promises.

I’m thankful for my brain’s ability to filter through so much irrelevant and negative information. The mind’s skill to prioritize may be more critical than we realize.

How to stay focused on what is most important may be the most important thing you ever teach your kids. Life is really about sorting through and organizing countless experiences, relationships, and even extraneous material so that whatever is most critical is never forgotten. There are a number of ways we communicate what’s important to our kids.

The questions we ask.
What we do with our time.
The stories we tell.

I wonder sometimes what my kid’s brains will remember as the important stuff. I had a discussion with my parents a few nights ago at dinner about things I remember growing up and the things I don’t. It’s interesting how some of the things they reminded me of I had completely forgotten. I could make a list right now to entertain you, but I suspect your brain would discard it pretty quickly. So, I will just give you one memory that I have never forgotten.

When I was eight, I heard my dad stand in front of group of people and explain how he became a Christian. It is a very vivid and clear memory even though it happened over 40 years ago. For whatever reason, my brain logged it as critical data and it was permanently stamped into my memory. Since then, millions of pieces of information have been discarded, but not that one.

A friend of mine, Dr. Kara Powell, wrote a book called Sticky Faith. Over the past few years, her team has done countless interviews with teenagers. One of her leaders recently asked a group of teenagers individually if their parents had ever told them the story of how they became a Christian. They were surprised that not one teenager knew how or when their parents had started pursuing a relationship with God.

I happen to believe the spiritual dimension of a child’s life is important. And although a lot of us are not sure how to talk about spiritual issues with our children, one simple way would just be to tell the story of how your faith started. I personally think it will be something your children will always remember.

With all of the stuff they will hear while they are living in your house, that one piece of information will probably stick in their brain. It did in mine. It’s just a thought. What if you act on it, before you forget it?

Almost every parent I know worries about technology and their kids.

When should my child get a phone? Facebook? Be allowed to game? Get their own tablet or computer? How do I know what’s really going on?

I think our natural default as parents is to think about imposing external limits. And external limits absolutely have a place. It’s good to monitor content, set age limits, establish maximum screen times and more.

But three things in the last five years have changed how all of us–including our kids–interact with technology:

1. The rise of broadband. Can we just say you can access a lot more with high speed connections, a lot more quickly, than on dial-up?

2. The emergence of mobile. Everyone has access, everywhere.

3. The influence of social networks. A big part of life has moved online, 24/7, and the pull is almost irresistible.

Five years ago, what your kids saw and did was so much easier to control externally. A family computer in a central location in the house with browser controls and parents nearby made it much easier to control where your kids went online. Limit screen time and voila, you had a policy.

Smartphones, tablets, netbooks and laptops require a completely different strategy. Most kids can be online all the time, wherever they go. And most of them are.

So what do you do?

I think one of the biggest shifts we can make as parents is to help our kids develop internal values that character brings, not just be guided by the external limits a parent imposes. Character, more than externally imposed limits, has the greatest potential to transform our children’s lives online. The difference is important:

External limits say you avoid things because somebody’s looking; character says you avoid them because it’s the right thing to do.

External limits restrict screen time because your dad imposed a schedule; character limits your screen time because you realize there are other important things in life.

External limits say you restrict your browsing because others won’t let you go there; character says you restrict your browsing because you won’t let yourself go there.

Externally imposed limits never carry the power of internally imposed values, because eventually we all get to a place where no one else is looking. Every child grows up and moves out of the house. And if all they’ve had are externally enforced limits, it might be a long time before they realize that some things are simply not wise or good, even if they are permissible. And with handheld devices exploding, external limits don’t work very well the moment your kids leave your sight.

It’s our values that will carry the day when no one’s looking. And with mobile, the times when no one’s looking are far more frequent than when someone is.

Don’t get me wrong, externally imposed limits have a place, especially when your kids are young. They are critical. But our goal is to prepare our children for adulthood. Eventually, it’s up to them.

Here are three suggestions that can help you start the character conversation with your child or teen:

1. Describe the online world as a place with ample good and also some bad. If you’re only negative about it, your kids won’t trust your judgment. They realize there is tremendous good available online.

2. Talk honestly about the limits of externally imposed guidelines. Explain that they’ll be in situations where it’s 100% up to them to decide what’s right and wrong, and help them prepare for those moments.

3. Encourage feedback from them about their time alone online. Some kids naturally want parental input, some naturally resist it. Create a safe dialogue where they can come to you honestly about what they’re struggling with.  If you can refrain from judging them or lecturing them on the things they could have done differently, you’ll find they are much more willing to talk to you.

This is not at all a comprehensive list; this is new territory for many parents. So pipe in, how do you help your kids navigate the growing world of  life online?

]]> http://www.orangeparents.org/preparing-your-kids-for-life-online/feed/ 5 http://www.orangeparents.org/disconnect-to-reconnect-your-family/ http://www.orangeparents.org/disconnect-to-reconnect-your-family/#comments Wed, 25 Jan 2012 11:08:27 +0000 Carey Nieuwhof http://www.orangeparents.org/?p=6284 [read more]]]>

I remember getting my first smartphone about seven years ago. It wasn’t much compared to what’s in the marketplace today, but I was mesmerized. I thought it was so amazing that you could text and email right off your phone and almost (emphasis on almost) browse the Web. Even at dinner. Even on vacation.

My family, however, was not nearly as amused. At dinner, they would tell me to put it away.

The novelty had not worn off on me, but there was no novelty at all to them. I really had a hard time understanding why it was such a problem.

That is until my wife and kids got their own phones, and I started feeling ignored. Suddenly, it dawned on me what they had been putting up with.

Technology is attractive, and as we said earlier, it’s not inherently evil. It can be used for good (even great) things. But you need to engage it intentionally.

Here’s why. Your children will tell you incessantly how much they want a phone, an iPad or a gaming system. What they won’t tell you is how much they want a relationship or how badly they need a relationship with you. And as parents, we can get so caught up in it all that we forget to fight for the heart of our spouses and children.

What I love about how my family responded to my first smartphone is that their instinct was to fight for their relationship with me. While I was connecting with lots of people, I wasn’t connecting with the most important people – my family. They fought for my heart. They were prioritizing the right things. I wish I had seen it earlier, but I’m so glad they saw it. And that they acted.

Over the last few years, we’ve made some changes in how we relate as a family in light of technology that is increasingly a part of our personal worlds.

Here are some things we do to make sure we stay connected as a family:

• We shut off everything (except some background music) at dinner. No phones, no TV, just conversation and food. We try to eat at home together as a family 5-6 times a week.
• We don’t use our phones in the car. Catch up on phone calls (handsfree, of course) when you’re alone, not when you’re with your spouse or kids. Being together in the car is a great chance to talk about things that you wouldn’t normally talk about. Similarly, I’ve never owned a vehicle with a DVD player in the back seats for that reason. Because we drive a lot, it probably adds 5 to 10 hours of quality time to our family life each week, not to mention some incredible road trip memories.
• We play board games.
• We look for activities to do together, whether that’s hiking, biking or boating. It gets us away and we invest in each other.
• We have family and friends over – and linger over dinner.
• We go on vacations together. It’s amazing to me how everyone instinctively puts their phones and other devices away when we’re on holiday. Sure, we google the next day’s activities, but vacation ramps up relationships very powerfully. Every year, we spend a week at a place where our phones don’t even work and there are no TVs. My kids call it their favourite place on earth.

Disconnecting like this helps us connect with each other.

How about you? What do you do to help you stay connected with each other?

I kind of like technology. You might say I’m a bit addicted.

Three people live in our house–me, my wife, and our teenage son. Ten years ago, we had one family computer that sat in the living room, and I had a laptop for work. Today, between the three of us, we have nine computer-ish devices–three smart phones, two tablets, two laptops, a PC and an iMac. Throw a couple of TVs and a gaming system into the mix and it’s, well, ridiculous.

Or is it? It is the 21^st Century after all. This scene gets played out all over North America. After dinner, your daughter is Facebooking her friends. Your son is gaming, obsessively trying to get to the next level. You’re on your laptop and your spouse is texting a friend while the two of you are watching TV.

The challenge this poses is simple: Everyone is connecting with someone—just not with the people in the room.

So, who’s to blame? It’s easy to finger technology for creating a relational disconnect. According to a recent study, only 35 percent of tweens and teens feel emotionally close to their dads, and only 59 percent feel emotionally close to their moms.

We can pretend that life was simpler back in the day before WIFI left no room unconnected. When you’re struggling to have a conversation with your kids, and between the Wii and YouTube you can’t get a word in edge-wise, it’s natural to think technology has killed your family.

I’m not sure it’s that simple. Here’s a question to wrestle with: What if technology isn’t good or evil, but simply reveals and amplifies what’s already there?

There may indeed be a relational disconnect, but many of us grew up in a home where the primary activity we shared decades ago was watching TV. (Ironically, that’s still the number one activity parents and teens engage in together today.) And more than a few of us grew up in homes where relationship was hard to come by. Many children of the sixties, seventies and eighties had parents who worked long hours, moms who were busy with friends, distracted by book clubs or endless housework, or dads who came home only to disappear to the golf course or to the garage to tinker all night. Distraction and disconnection aren’t new.

Maybe technology is simply revealing and amplifying a problem that’s been with us for awhile.

Which is why I’m so glad you’re with us this week on the blog: relationships within families are worth fighting for and technology doesn’t have to kill your family. In fact, technology gives us incredible opportunities and the potential for unprecedented connectedness. But like all things, it needs to be managed so it becomes a servant of what matters most–our relationship with God and each other.

Something else to think about: there’s a reasonable likelihood technology is here to stay. So, this week we’ll explore ways to approach technology that might help your family manage it well.

In the meantime, take some time to evaluate the state of relationship in your home. To get started, ask yourself this question:

If all the technology in your home was removed tomorrow, what would be left of your relationship with your family?

I realize that can be a tough question, but tough questions can lead us to great places relationally. Especially if, like me, you like technology.

So, if the power went out and the WIFI and cable went down, what would be left of the relationships in your home?

Melaine Rose Photography

After several responses to our post earlier this week about Rick Smith and his NoahsDad.com website, we thought it might be interesting to hear Rick’s first-hand account of the journey.

by Rick Smith

“I’m so sorry.”

Those were the first words we heard from my wife’s OBGYN shortly after our son Noah was born. Instead of flowers, streamers, bubble gum cigars, and the usual fanfare that greets a family after the birth of a child, we received those three (very powerful) words,

“I’m so sorry.”

From the second Noah was born, the world began to tell Abbie and me that we had just been Punk’d by God. That He just decided to take us from one story (a joyful happy one) to another (a sad depressing one.) You see, our son Noah was born with a third copy of his 21st  chromosome, otherwise known as Down syndrome.

The world says that kids like Noah aren’t worth it. In fact, after Noah was born we learned of a heart-breaking statistic: over 90 percent of children who are known to have an increased “risk” for Down syndrome by prenatal testing are aborted. Let that sink in for a bit. That’s nine out of 10 children. Aborted. The world says that children like our son aren’t worth it.

Abbie and I learned that Noah was born with Down syndrome a few hours after his birth. We were blindsided. We never saw this  coming. Having a child born with Down syndrome wasn’t “supposed” to be part of our story (at least in the one we had written for ourselves.)

We were scared, confused, excited, hurt, joyful, nervous, and hopeful. (I’ve come to learn that those feelings usually happen when God has something wonderfully better in store for your story.) Above all else, we knew that God knew just what He was doing, and so we trusted Him with our story. And we began to pray. A lot. Along the way, we also learned that God writes way better stories for our lives then we ever could.

We prayed almost nightly that God would somehow, someway use our story to help change the way the world thinks about people who are born with Down syndrome. We even prayed that all of these babies would be brought to full term, and have a shot at life. I know it sounds like a crazy prayer, but God likes bad odds.

The idea behind our blog, NoahsDad.com, was to give the world a window into what life was like for a family raising a child born with Down syndrome. To give them a look into our story and show the world that ours isn’t a sad story. It’s a beautiful one that deserves to be celebrated. To show people that kids like Noah are worthy of life.

The response has been overwhelming. People all over the world have begun to write in and tell us of the hope and encouragement they found through our daily one-minute videos. In other words, they found hope by us sharing our story.

Stories are powerful when they are shared. If we hide our story or think no one wants to hear it, no one will hear it. I hope our story encourages you to tell your story. To celebrate it. You never know how God can use your story to change the world.

Never forget that God loves bad odds. Just ask Daniel…or Noah…or Abraham…or Moses.

-Rick (Noah’s Dad)

Noah Smith - www.Noahsdad.com

Sometimes we don’t like the stories that we’re unwittingly or unwillingly written into. At other times, we realize that it may not be the story we imagined, but it’s our story and we’re going to find a way to live that story to its greatest potential.

Rick and Abbie Smith are examples of the “it’s our story and we’re going to live it well” idea.

When their son, Noah, was born with Down Syndrome, the Smiths realized they had a choice to make. That choice, to make a surprising story a better story for themselves and others, is being catalogued in Rick’s blog, NoahsDad.com.

Rick and Abbie want to change attitudes about children born with Down Syndrome, a condition that occurs when the body has an extra chromosome. That one chromosome makes a difference, but the bigger difference comes from people who aren’t exactly sure how to respond or react to those who have it.

NoahsDad.com is working to change that. Change comes when stories are told, and Rick realized that Noah’s story could be told in one-minute video segments and thoughtful blog posts from a father smitten with his infant son.

In one of his recent posts, Rick wrote about ”3 Things Our One-Year-Old Son Wants You to Know About the Power of Story.” What we can learn from this one-year-old applies to every area of our life where story is important, which is to say it’s important for every area of our life.

Here are the three things:

1) Your story is powerful.

2) Stories remove the veil of fear from people’s lives.

3) Hidden behind the veil of fear is hope.

“Your story has power,” Rick says.”Tell your story. Trust me. You may think no one is listening. You may think that no one cares. You may think your story doesn’t have any impact. You may think you don’t even have a story to tell. Guess what….you are wrong.”

Rick’s right. Many of us somehow know we have a story to tell. Some of us might even realize we have a great story to tell. But when a story has an edge of greatness about it, we might feel overwhelmed in trying to tell it. Rick’s telling an amazing, overwhelming story one minute at a time. He captures one moment one day, another moment the next day. When those moments are woven together, the story’s being told in its grand magnitude.

The Smith’s story is being heard. Just a couple of weeks ago, Rick praised a recent Target ad’s positive treatment of kids with Down Syndrome on his blog and it went viral. It has gotten coverage from news agencies and networks around the world, and in just in the last couple of weeks alone, millions have  been introduced to Noah’s story.

As a parent, you’ve got a director’s chair view of the stories your children are living, and no one knows their stories better than you do. Take a cue from Rick and Abbie Smith. Help your kids interpret their story to realize that they are important, that they are loved, that they have a place, and that they have a powerful narrative to share with the rest of the world.

So, let’s do a quick survey:

If I asked you whether you would like your child or teen to display any of the following characteristics, what would you say?

Love

Joy

Peace

Patience

Goodness

Kindness

Faithfulness

Gentleness

Let me rephrase that: Is there anyone who doesn’t want to see these in their kids? I mean, come on, many of us pray for these things to be active in our child’s life.

Why wouldn’t you? Kids who exhibit these things become adults who make outstanding spouses, parents, employees, bosses and citizens.

Now, another list. Anyone interested in seeing these characteristics at work in our kids’ lives?

Outbursts of anger

Hostility

Quarrelling

Jealousy

Envy

Drunkenness

Dissension

Exactly. None of us. In fact, it’s a bit repulsive.

You pray against these things, don’t you?

As some of you are realizing, this list isn’t arbitrary. In fact, it’s pulled directly from the Bible (Galatians 5:19-23).

The two lists describe what happens when God is at work in us and when He is not.

What has bothered me about this for years is that sometimes my life can look more like the second list, and less like the first. What gives? I’m a Christian. Shouldn’t my life automatically default to the better virtues? Shouldn’t some change ensue? How come when I pray, things don’t change nearly as much as I want them to?

Well, I left one of the virtues off the list. In addition to the Holy Spirit bringing love, joy and more, He brings one other thing: self-control. (It’s in verse 23.)

For years, I thought self-control was such an odd addition to the list. You could almost frame the list and hang it somewhere prominent if it wasn’t for the word “self-control.” That one is just so, utilitarian or something.

But more recently I realized that it might be the most important virtue of all. Why? Because if I have self-control, everything else is so much easier.

Self-control makes it easier to love. And to be gentle. And to keep peace. And to be kind. Being able to control yourself leads to fewer outbursts of anger, fewer quarrels and means you can stop drinking or not drink at all.

Omit self-control, and both lists start to look either impossible to attain or impossible to avoid. Add self-control, and the whole thing flips.

Which is maybe why one of the best things you can do for yourself, and your family, is to put more focus on the virtue of self-control.

What if every day you were more intentional about choosing to do something you didn’t want to and showing your kids how to do the same? What if every time you prayed, you also prayed for the virtue of self-control? In your child’s life, teen’s life, and your life, it might just change more than you think.

]]> http://www.orangeparents.org/focus-on-this-one-thing/feed/ 4 http://www.orangeparents.org/want-to-increase-your-childs-self-esteem/ http://www.orangeparents.org/want-to-increase-your-childs-self-esteem/#comments Fri, 06 Jan 2012 15:03:36 +0000 Carey Nieuwhof http://www.orangeparents.org/?p=6233 [read more]]]>

What parent doesn’t? I’ve not yet met a parent who’s said, “I hope to instill such a low sense of self-esteem in my kids that they struggle with self worth for the rest of their lives.”

Despite our best intentions, self-esteem issues arise in almost all of us. Why?

It’s not for lack of trying. Many of us offer endless streams of encouraging words to our kids. We pretty much hand out awards for everything from potty training to putting away their crayons to not skipping class in high school. We enroll them in non-competitive sports where every one’s a winner no matter how many goals get scored. (I tried to coach that kind of team once when my youngest son was six. Let’s just say my purpose on earth likely has little to do with coaching non-competitive sports.) In some circles, everything we tell our kids is designed to encourage them, even when maybe they shouldn’t be encouraged.

But self-esteem continues to be evasive, with a generation or two of kids who vacillate between unrealistically high view of themselves and a crushingly low self-esteem. Sometimes in the same child. Sometimes in the same child on the same day.

I want to make a strange connection: What if self-control and self-esteem are linked? What if the child who develops self-control also ends up developing self-respect?

Think about it. When do you feel best about yourself? I personally feel much better about myself when I:

Keep my word.

Eat healthy.

Work out.

Prioritize devotional time with God.

Treat people with kindness, even when I feel like doing otherwise.

Show up prepared and on time.

Exceed expectations.

Take responsibility rather than blame others.

What links every single one of these things is a very difficult-to-master virtue: self-control. When I practice self-control in all areas of my life (resisting impulses, making myself do things I don’t want to do, prioritizing my time and energy), my self-respect grows. By contrast, when I fail in areas like this, my self-respect and self-esteem suffers; I can get into an endless stream of self-defeating talk that’s hard to get out of. Until I practice more self-control.

See the link? Self-control and self-respect are perhaps a little more tied together than we might initially think.

As a result, if you want to grow a healthy self-esteem in your child, you might want to help them develop a healthy sense of self-control. Which is one of the reasons why what we’re talking about this month is so important. And why things like doing homework, helping out around the house, not acting on every impulse, or indulging every whim is an important part of every child and teen’s development.

Ironically, one of the best ways to develop self-esteem might not be to try to directly instill self-esteem at all, but instead to work on self-control. Better self-esteem, surprisingly, may follow.

Confession: Sometimes I watch the show Hoarders. It totally freaks me out and yet I watch. I don’t know if it inspires me to clean my house or I just like freaking out over a house filled with cats. Anyway, the other day I was watching it and a 40–year-old woman threw a total, out of control tantrum, complete with yelling and screaming and stomping of feet.

Now here’s the thing. I’m around two-year-olds a lot. And when a two-year-old throws a tantrum it’s not pleasant, but I will admit sometimes it looks so silly that I smile a little bit. Especially since it’s not my child. When you’re two, it’s expected that there will be an occasional melt down. No real harm done.

But when a 40-year-old woman pitches a great big ‘ol fit. It ain’t cute. Somewhere along the line she didn’t learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy way. She didn’t learn to communicate effectively when she was upset. She didn’t learn self-control.

When you’re two and you pitch a fit, you can’t cause too much damage. When you’re two and you throw yourself on the floor you don’t have too far to fall. When you’re so mad at your mommy that you want to call her names, the worst you can do is “stinky face.”

But when you’re 40 and you throw yourself on the floor, or you throw anything for that matter, someone is going to get hurt. And your words, when unleashed in anger can cause damage to those around you that can never be undone.

Self-control really matters. And the best place to begin strengthening that muscle is when you are a kid. It’s so much harder when you’re 40—and so much more ugly.

When your child is two, you can expect a lack of self-control. It’s who they are. They are immature. While understanding that it’s appropriate for their age you’ve got to start guiding them toward self-control. One of the best things you can do with a young child is to make sure that they DO NOT get what they want when throwing a fit. If they want attention, ignore them. If they want a candy bar at the grocery store and melt into a screaming puddle, leave the store.

Don’t let their lack of self-control benefit them in any way. Easier said than done when your little darling turns into a fire-breathing monster, right?

As your kids get older, begin teaching them how to push that pause button, take a deep breath and make a better decision. So, when you see it building in them, and you see them about to blow a gasket, call a time out. Teach them how to recognize how they’re feeling, take a deep breath, gather themselves and choose their actions instead of letting their actions take over and choose for them.

By the time your kids are heading to their teen years your hope is that they are practicing a lot more self-control. Your goal is that they are able to think through the consequences of their lack of control and make better choices. They’re still learning. Mistakes will be made. But you should see a lot of progress from when they were two!

Teaching your kids to have self-control starts when they are young. It’s an important job. And even though you and I both still struggle with aspects of self-control, I hope I don’t ever see you or any of your kids pitchin’ a fit on an episode of Hoarders!

There’s a strange-sounding passage written by an ancient writer thousands of years ago that says, “Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self control.”

The principle is sobering. If we are not careful, our homes can become like broken down cities that are vulnerable to a variety of dangerous elements that threaten the physical safety of those who live there. There are two things about self-control that are important for parents to remember:

1. The lack of self-control sets up your children for a shaky future.

Experts link the lack of self control to addiction, bad health, debt, procastination, eating disorders, and more. Duke University researches did a study following 1,000 children for 30 years, examining the effect of early self-control on health, wealth and public safety. The study implied that those with lower self-control experienced negative outcomes in all three areas, with greater rates of health issues like sexually transmitted infections, substance dependence, financial problems, and crime.

These results show that self-control can have a deep influence on a wide range of activities. In other words, the lack of self-control breaks down walls of protection and exposes you to things that can destroy your future.

2. Self-control can actually be learned.

One of the myths parents buy into is that you can’t teach self-control because it’s a part of how a child’s personality is wired. Most counselors agree that anyone can learn self-control. It’s not easy…it has to be intentionally and continually developed. But just like you would use your skill to build a wall back in places that are broken, you can build more self-control into your home.

You can affect how your kids learn self control when you

• implement the right structure and schedule.
• pursue moderation in how you eat, play video games, watch TV, use your computer.
• establish a system for homework and chores.
• instill healthy financial habits of giving and saving.
• create values in how you speak to each other and express frustrations.

Experts tend to agree that developing self-control is as much of a physical discipline as it is mental gymnastics. The problem is that it means we have to first be willing to make it personal. We have to confront areas in our lives where we lack self-control so we can be a better model to our kids.

This is where it hits home: it is easier to ignore the issue of self-control than it is to do something about it. This month, look for ways to build self-control into your own life and the lives of your children. You wouldn’t neglect fallen walls in your house or a damaged roof…be at least as attentive to the habits that are going to determine your kids’ futures.