I remember taking a personality profile for work shortly after I started into my first full-time job.
It told me what I already suspected: When it comes to working on a task or spending time with people, I’ll almost always choose the task. I actually do value relationships, but I default toward task.
That’s not a bad thing. Work gets done. Life stays on track. And organizations and causes advance when people focus on tasks.
What I didn’t realize at the time was how much my bias toward tasks over people would impact my family life. Sure, all you relationship people could see that coming a mile away, but us task people kind of miss that stuff.
It was a bit of a surprise to me that what can get you ahead at work can easily help you fall behind at home.
While being a task-oriented person has it’s advantages, it really impacts the kind of spouse you will be and the kind of parent you will be.
It gets particularly challenging if, like me, you have a wife and kids who (thankfully) see the deep value in relationship.
I’ve gotten better at managing this tension over the years. But it only happened because I realized the limits of what task-orientation brought to my world at home.
So, what do task people struggle with at home? It may be different for each of us, but here are five tension points I’ve struggled with as a dad and husband:
I saw people as interruptions rather than priorities. That’s difficult to say out loud, but it’s true. I think it’s just a default wiring task people have to overcome. It gets particularly bad when those relationships are your wife and kids.
I tended to see my family as projects rather than people. Trust me, that was never my goal. But it was a by-product of my style. I know that I was tempted to want my kids to achieve—to have top grades, keep their rooms clean, never get into trouble. All of those are decent goals, but task people can miss the nuances in relationships and end up treating their kids (and spouses) as projects, not people. This, by the way, is the gateway into conditional love and conditional acceptance. You don’t want to go there.
I misunderstood days off. Days off were just opportunities to do new projects right? Apparently not. If I went with my default, I would have missed some of the richest times I could spend with my family.
I thought everyone spoke my love language. If you want to make me smile, give me words of affirmation and acts of service. So, I just thought the rest of the world ran off of the same fuel. Try marrying someone whose love language is quality time. And having a couple of kids who value that too. I had to learn that all the words of affirmation and acts of service I sent their way would never mean the same thing as unstructured, quality time.
I found it hard to focus. My mind races. So, when I let my default style go unchecked, I found it almost impossible to be “in the moment.” I was always thinking about what had to get done next, a big project I was working on, or what had to get fixed.
In the next post, I’ll share some steps I took to help combat the tension a task orientation creates.
But in the meantime, which of these points resonate with you? What other areas do you struggle with?
And for those of you who are relationship people, what bothers you most about those of us with a task orientation?
I did not know you were going to write about me today!
This is my daily struggle that I can honestly say I am not always successful at winning. Thanks for the reminder. It’s always good to know I am not the only one! Can’t wait for the next post!
Tamran…thanks for being honest. We are not alone, are we? Always good to know!
So interested to hear your tips, this is me exactly… I recognize it, just not sure how to adapt it!
I am looking forward to the next post. I struggle with this DAILY. The task vioce in my mind can be very loud, even louder than God’s voice, if I allow it.
I am always looking to check something off my mental list. If Im honest, connecting with people is rarely on that mental list.
Thank you for sharing! You arent alone, and Im glad to know I am not either.
Oh SO me!
Just when I thought I was “teaching and mothering”! Such a slap in the face but a good one! Thanks.
My face still hurts too.
Carey….how long have you been living in my head? What point resonates with me? Every one, down to the love languages. Add to that my dysfunction with physical touch, and you’ve nailed me. On top of that, my spouse’s and my daughter’s love language is….you guessed it! Physical touch and quality time! Thanks for sharing and speaking to the “task- master” dilemma so well. It’s a constant battle to break out of what feels like, to me, a “laser-focused sweet spot” to complete a list, and see the people right in front of me.
Ha! I guess Kim I’ve only been living inside my head all my life. That must have done it. So glad this hit home.
This is soooo me. I homeschool our two girls and also work from home. Every day starts and ends with a to-do list. I like schedules, predictability, and organization. If something happens to throw a wrench into my “well-oiled machine”, I stress out and panic. Such an incredibly tough way of life to change.
It’s totally hard to change. I guess what I think about is how does the gift reflect what God created in me? That’s when a gift really works to everyone’s advantage. And then I ask “What part of that gift has been twisted or distorted and needs to be redeemed?” That helps me.
I am married to a task oriented person. Finding out our love languages was a huge help! He couldn’t believe that taking the day off work to spend with me on my birthday was the best gift ever! Now I need to know how to help him relax better on the weekends. This is very difficult for him.
I can’t believe that’s a gift either Dawn.
It is difficult, but I’m so glad you’ve found common ground and common understanding there. That’s so good!
I am a task-oriented person too and find it hard to shift my focus from doing to being. Even as the new mother of a 3.5 mo. old, I caught myself seeing him as a task: gotta feed him, then change him, then he has to play, then I have to put him down for a nap… but I have to cuddle him and interact with him during his play times and be more than a caretaker of his basic needs! He needs to be enjoyed.
The most unfortunate part of being task-oriented is hurting other people’s feelings when I am more focused on tasks than on being with them. I’m afraid many see me as aloof or disinterested in them or perhaps even snobbish because I’m not thinking about interacting with them but rather about accomplishing the task involved in our interaction (be it at work or serving at church, etc.).
Looking forward to the next post. I can so relate to this! I try to be aware of it and I enjoy spending time with my kids, but I don’t think about it. I am too focused on all of the things that need to be done or developing new goals or plans.