Like most parents, you feel this terrible tug.
On the one hand, you want to provide your child with every advantage. On the other hand, sometimes it feels like when you do that, you’re feeding an incredibly unhealthy characteristic in our culture.
For whatever reason, we’re living in the midst of an entitlement epidemic. Probably more than any other generation before us, our generation feels as though we have a right to things that used to be defined as wants, or even privileges.
Here’s how the cycle starts:
On the day your child is born, it’s easy to decide as a parent that you need to give your child every advantage.
So you compete. You made sure he had bright colors in his nursery and exactly the right kind of mobile to stimulate his brain, but now it’s an all out frenzy to ensure your preschooler can swim, skate, hit a ball, paint frameable art, read, write and speak classical Greek before his fourth birthday.
And don’t worry, because by the time you’re done with the race to kindergarten, the culture has taken over feeding the frenzy. Your child has now seen enough advertisements and made enough friends to believe that her every desire not only can be met, but should be met. The boots that every other stylish kid is wearing are not a privilege, they are a right. Or so you’ve been told.
And then other inalienable rights emerge: the right to a phone for texting, iPod touches, Facebook and so much more.
Somewhere in the mix, you found yourself realizing that you are tempted to pay your kids for every “act of service” rendered in the house, from emptying the trash to picking up each sock.
And you realize something is desperately wrong. And you would be correct in that.
So, what do you do to fight entitlement in yourself and in your kids? Here are five suggestions:
1. Be clear on wants and needs. I joke with my kids that we owe them shelter, food and clothes, and I would be happy to slip a pizza under the door to their cardboard house any time they wish (they are 16 and 20, don’t try this with your 5-year-old, but you get the point.) Take time to explain what is actually a need and what a want is. Culture will never explain it to them. You need to.
2. Reclaim special occasions. There is nothing wrong with not buying wants for your kids in every day life. Save the special things for special occasions like birthdays, Christmas and the like. You don’t need to indulge for no reason. In fact, you probably shouldn’t.
3. Set a budget and let them choose. With back to school shopping and seasonal purchases, we started setting a budget with our kids early and then let them choose how they would spend it. They become much more frugal shoppers when all of a sudden they realize that money is limited and they can get more if they shop around.
4. Establish an allowance and expectations. An allowance is a great way for a child to learn responsibility. We’ve encouraged our kids to give 10 percent of every thing they earn, save 10 percent, and live off the rest (the formula gets more restrictive the closer they get to college). Explain what gets covered and not covered out of that allowance.
5. Be clear about what you will never pay them for. There are some things that you do because you are a part of the family. You can decide where that lands in your home. Make a list of responsibilities that no one gets paid for that you do because you are part of a family. To help with this, why not ask your kids what a reasonable list looks like? Involving them will help them own the decision. Second, make sure you follow up. And hold them responsible for what you all agreed to do. Otherwise you will be tempted to pay for everything or just roll your eyes daily and do it yourself.
Approaches like these can help raise kids who see life as a series of privileges, who live gratefully, and realize their responsibility to others.
How is our entitlement culture impacting your family? And how have you learned to battle it?
Great suggestions Carey – especially #3. We have done two more things in our family (with our 4 and 6 year old). We work with our kids every year (in November) to select about 35% of their toys to give to others. But they can’t be the old broken toys, they need to be ones they think others will really enjoy (and we’re thankful that the final scenes in Toy Story 3 exist). The second thing we do is have them join us as we’re giving gifts (those toys, or other gifts we go buy) to others. They participate in our generosity. This was harder than the first because going in to a store to buy something that isn’t for them can raise feelings, but by having them participate, we’re constantly reminding them of one of our family mantras, “Lemas are generous”. It’s fun to watch a 6 year old grasp that it’s part of our family DNA and share it with others.
What a great tradition Chris. Thanks. I would think many more are going to start doing that this year thanks to your post.
Very timely advice. My 14 year old just lost her newest ipod and in the same converstaion wanted to know when she could get a phone or her own laptop. Parenting is hard.
One thing you briefly mentioned, but didn’t elaborate on is fighting entitlement in ourselves. The value of modeling good habits and behaviors can’t be overlooked. Our kids soak up everything, especially when we’re not paying attention. I know I’m guilty of “immediate gratification” and constantly have to exhibit self-control. If my son sees me going out to get the newest iPad “just because it’s new and great,” yeah, he’s going to grow up with those same behaviors. It’s tough, but breaking the “entitlement epidemic” starts with us, the parents, to not only TEACH our children, but also make sure we’re setting the right example.
Great post. I’m a new parent and my spouse and I have been discussing this very topic.
Entitlement is consuming our culture and we don’t want to fall into this trap. We used to think it would be easy to tell our kid NO, but now that we have a baby we realize how much we want to give him everything he wants- we love making him happy. But we know instant gratification will not do him good in the long run (Obviously we don’t try to teach this now, we are just preparing ourselves.)
I really like your last point. I hadn’t thought about that aspect before. There are things one must do simply because they are part of a family and a family has to work together. Thanks for this tip! Can’t wait to share it with my spouse!
Cary – have you come across any bible studies geared toward teens for this subject?
I can honestly say that my husband and I have followed these 5 steps to a T since our children were born. But from the moment they turned 16, we saw the ugliness of “entitlement” in both of them. Prior to this both girls were very big givers with huge hearts, but then they became so self-centered and ungrateful. Fortunately, one of them is now 21 and is so appreciative for all that she has and for anything that someone does for her. She no longer takes the “things” or the “people” in her life for granted (there was a lot of “tough love” that had to happen before she got to this point, never-the-less, she’s there…finally). My question is, what do we do in the meantime between the ages of 16 and 20?
Signed…Frustrated parents of an “entitled” 17 year old
Thanks for your honesty and I hear your frustration for sure. I’m not sure there’s a simple answer, but I would say two things. First, continue to model the way. As a parent, you are a huge influence in their lives. And they are watching you every day, whether they’ll let on they are or not. Second, give thanks for the good years you have had and continue to affirm the good you see in your daughters. As Andy Stanley says, over time, what you celebrate tends to get repeated. That doesn’t mean you approve the selfish attitudes, but when you see traces of the good emerge, celebrate it.