So, let’s do a quick survey:
If I asked you whether you would like your child or teen to display any of the following characteristics, what would you say?
Love
Joy
Peace
Patience
Goodness
Kindness
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Let me rephrase that: Is there anyone who doesn’t want to see these in their kids? I mean, come on, many of us pray for these things to be active in our child’s life.
Why wouldn’t you? Kids who exhibit these things become adults who make outstanding spouses, parents, employees, bosses and citizens.
Now, another list. Anyone interested in seeing these characteristics at work in our kids’ lives?
Outbursts of anger
Hostility
Quarrelling
Jealousy
Envy
Drunkenness
Dissension
Exactly. None of us. In fact, it’s a bit repulsive.
You pray against these things, don’t you?
As some of you are realizing, this list isn’t arbitrary. In fact, it’s pulled directly from the Bible (Galatians 5:19-23).
The two lists describe what happens when God is at work in us and when He is not.
What has bothered me about this for years is that sometimes my life can look more like the second list, and less like the first. What gives? I’m a Christian. Shouldn’t my life automatically default to the better virtues? Shouldn’t some change ensue? How come when I pray, things don’t change nearly as much as I want them to?
Well, I left one of the virtues off the list. In addition to the Holy Spirit bringing love, joy and more, He brings one other thing: self-control. (It’s in verse 23.)
For years, I thought self-control was such an odd addition to the list. You could almost frame the list and hang it somewhere prominent if it wasn’t for the word “self-control.” That one is just so, utilitarian or something.
But more recently I realized that it might be the most important virtue of all. Why? Because if I have self-control, everything else is so much easier.
Self-control makes it easier to love. And to be gentle. And to keep peace. And to be kind. Being able to control yourself leads to fewer outbursts of anger, fewer quarrels and means you can stop drinking or not drink at all.
Omit self-control, and both lists start to look either impossible to attain or impossible to avoid. Add self-control, and the whole thing flips.
Which is maybe why one of the best things you can do for yourself, and your family, is to put more focus on the virtue of self-control.
What if every day you were more intentional about choosing to do something you didn’t want to and showing your kids how to do the same? What if every time you prayed, you also prayed for the virtue of self-control? In your child’s life, teen’s life, and your life, it might just change more than you think.
A couple of days ago I wrote blog post for my church family. As I started, I wasn’t intending to write about self-control, but that’s what come out. As a Children’s Pastor, I love how the Spirit will so often move in my heart as He moves through the lessons.
It reminds me that what we teach our children isn’t just for them. Modelling self-control is the best teacher. That said, I think it’s important for us to look to God and ask, “How does our Father model self-control with us?”
Great point Ryan. The story of the Bible is really a story of God’s incredible restraint and love.
Carey,
I was rereading James the other day on the importance of controlling the tongue…agree that this is an important virtue for parents to model for their kids.
I do think a word of caution is in order here…not all kids (or parents) are starting from the same place in terms of their capacity for self-control. I work with lots of families of kids with conditions like ADHD, anxiety disorders and mood disorders, as well as families who have adopted kids who have been exposed to alcohol and/or drugs in-utero, and kids who have experienced neglect, trauma, physical or sexual abuse. Many families stop going to church because of the judgmental attitudes they’ve encountered in past experiences. One mom of two boys with ADHD put it best…”People in the church think they can tell when a disability ends and bad parenting begins.” Several years ago I saw the five year old adopted son of a senior pastor who was fired by his Elder Board after the boy became aggressive to other kids at church.
I agree that parents and kids can (and should) work on developing self-control. But we shouldn’t assume that the kid who struggles with self-control doesn’t love Jesus, or assume they don’t have good parents who love God and teach them Biblical virtues.
I appreciate your perspective and it’s a great point you make. For sure not every child’s ability is the same in terms of self control. Appreciate you pointing that out!