There are two kinds of parents: grace parents, and truth parents.
You know grace parents…they’re always kind. They bake cookies or always have time to turn on the barbecue to make dinner for all your friends. If you push them on an issue like bonus allowance or getting that extra 30 minutes of TV time, they’ll usually bend. If they have something difficult to say, well, they might not say it at all, and if they do, they might speak it so gently you hardly heard the issue when it was finally raised. They smile alot. They are always, so, well, nice.
Then there are truth parents….they believe facts are facts and rules and rules. If bed time is 7:30, it’s 7:30 – why would you even ask for an extension? And the kids (especially teens) should fully understand everything the Bible says because obedience matters. The truth may not be pretty, but someone needs to stand up for it, say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done. Jesus said if you love God, you’ll obey him. So obey.
Who are you? Chances are you’re already seeing yourself moving toward one side or another. I tend to be a truth person…sometimes I can be a bit blunt and unbending because, well, the truth matters.
So who’s right? Who’s got the monopoly on this one? The stakes are high, because when it comes to parenting, we’re shaping a generation – true?
Well, what if neither is right?
Years ago I came across this verse that challenged me to my core. It says in John 1:14 that Jesus came ‘full of grace and truth’. Did you catch that? Grace and truth. Not grace or truth. But both. Together. Grace and truth.
Think about this:
- What if every time you wanted to communicate grace you stopped first to ensure that what you were about to say or do was fully in line with what is true?
- What if every time you wanted to communicate truth you stopped first to ensure that you were going to communicate it in a way that was grace-filled?
Never grace without truth. Never truth without grace. How would that impact the quality of your family life?
White lies might disappear forever. Harder conversations might happen, but they might lead to more breakthroughs because they were communicated in a way that let your kids know you were fighting for them, not with them. Do you think it might win the heart of your family? Truth might be more appealing because love is always compelling, and love would be more powerful because sweetness alone eventually stops resonating when it’s misaligned. (Simply being nice is not actually love anyway.)
I feel like should have this principle taped to my glasses so it’s constantly before me. I need it so badly. Jesus lived this one out. He never spoke the truth apart from grace, and never spoke grace that was unaligned with truth. I love that.
So here’s the challenge this week: as you interact in your family:
- Speak the truth with grace
- Speak grace with truth.
Just don’t separate them. For me, this means I sometimes have to cool off before speaking because in the heat of the moment, there’s no grace where this truth is coming from. And when I’m tempted to simply be nice in a way that’s void of truth, I’ll also pause and reframe.
So…you in? Want to try it for a week? No truth without grace. No grace without truth.
How do you think this might change your pattern at home?
I am so in! This is something that I have been working on and need to try to ingrain in my brain. It became totally clear to me which I was when my children called me a creampuff…and meant it! They are 9 and 6! So….I realized….I gotta toughen up a bit and stop parenting out of guilt and start parenting truthfully.
My husband is all truth….I think if we could both get on board with remembering both truth and grace at all times….our fights about parenting would be moot and our kids would have the consistency they need and the right….example to become a man and woman of God!
Any suggestions out there on how I can get my husband to get on board with me? I bring up ideas to him and he says he’ll do it, but he never really gives it a shot. How can the two of us get on board together? Does anyone have something that worked for you?
It’s funny, in an earlier draft of the blog post, I wrote “Grace parents usually marry truth parents. I makes for fascinating arguments.” Maybe I should have left that in.
I wonder Beth if the best way to handle this is to start a dialogue with your husband. If you can come into from the perspective of wanting to change, it could be a healthy dialogue. Trying to change a spouse rarely works, but trying to change yourself does. As you begin to talk to your husband about the changes you want to make, he might be open to adjusting his approach too. Maybe even start by discussing this post together.
It’s definitely worth a try. I would love to see the change for our children! Thanks for the suggestion Carey. I will start a dialogue today.
Great news Beth. Another important thing (not just for you, but for all of us) is to have a community around you. I know my wife and I are part not only of a church, but a great small group. It’s a place where we can support, pray for and encourage each other.
The people around us are often best able to help us implement the changes we need to make.
Best wishes with the conversation!
I am laughing a little, because my husband thought your post was a “Perry Noble-ism” I love to listen to Perry speak and am often given to quoting something or another that I’ve gleened from him. Anyway, I decided not to wait until tonight, but to open an email dialogue with my husband. Sometimes, in the quiet of his office and with something printed he is better able to concentrate. He was receptive. Thank you for putting words to something that we have been struggling to describe for a long time! We are part of an awesome small group! I have been talking about and praying about this struggle for awhile in “girls time” when we split off, but I’m not sure if he’s thought of it. I definitely would love for my whole group to help me with that. Another wonderful suggestion……praying for my heart to change!
Thanks again!
I think I definitely lean to the Grace side with my kids. I do want to communicate truth though but often times I find myself, being honest, frustrated or skeptical of ‘Truth’ parents as you described in your post. I know everythings not perfect all the time and don’t even try to pretend that is the case. I’m in…when I’m handling my kids and spouse with grace I need to add in truth.
What convicts me even as I write this is sometimes I may be a ‘grace parent’, but a ‘truth husband’.
Great post! I am definitely one of these types of parent and my husband is the other (we won’t specify which is which).
I love how you pointed out that it’s not that one of us is right or better than the other or that our kids need one type more than the other. Our children need grace and/with truth from BOTH parents all the time. Love this! Thanks!
So, Collin you are a grace parent, but a truth husband…..I feel you. I find myself being a truth wife with very little grace….I wonder why that is…..I wonder if that is the norm.
Great insights. Funny how we tend to marry our opposites! But the real surprise observation for me is that we can be grace parents but truth spouses. Hadn’t thought of that before, but that’s just true. We can be one way toward our kids but another way toward our spouse. I wonder what message that sends to our kids. Not good.
I’m excited that this dialogue is perhaps moving spouses toward being more on the same page. That’s encouraging and it’s so healthy for families to see parents supporting and encouraging each other with a consistent approach to parenting and marriage.
I am definitely a truth wife and a grace mom. No wonder why I am so mentally confused and dazed each day of my life and why I am so disorganized in my mind and every other aspect of my life. I have never put this these two aspects of godliness together. It pains me to know that I don’t give my husband the the grace he deserves and try to protect my children from the truth from my husband. I really feel I have a balance of truth and grace but that others don’t see it that way. Am I fooling myself or is it just too hard to implement the consequences of truth? I am excited for this conversation to continue in a more productive and focused way between me and my husband. It is long overdue. Thanks for honing in on John 1:14, it is my new favorite!