This is a picture of Eli. No, he is not a jerk. He just made a face that fit with our title. Eli is a typical eight-year-old growing up in a good home with parents who want to make sure he develops good character. But parenting any kid like Eli can be confusing.
Some leaders say too many who work hard at building children’s self-esteem are raising kids who will exhibit a lifestyle of entitlement and egotism. Other specialists say those who talk about children being innately bad are raising a generation that feels inferior and insignificant. Every expert has an opinion and it’s hard to know where the line actually is. Many promote their agenda by pushing the opposing opinion to the extreme.
One of the keys to parenting with balance is helping your children develop an attitude of humility. Every child has the potential to grow up and understand why it’s important to “put others first.” There is just a fine line between raising kids who have a healthy self-esteem and kids who are too egotistical. A life of arrogance that goes unchecked can result in a sad and lonely existence for someone, and frankly there are enough self-centered people around. How does someone develop an overinflated sense of self-worth and entitlement?
Here are a few ideas to help you effectively raise a jerk:
- Protect them from the consequences of their own mistakes.
- Make sure you do whatever they can do for themselves.
- Keep them away from anyone who thinks differently than they do.
- Try to give them everything they want.
- Tell them over and over again you just want them to be happy.
- Convince them that they are more special than other kids.
- Always take their side when they get in trouble with their teacher at school.
- Always take their side whenever they are in a conflict with a friend.
- Keep insisting that they are the best player on the team.
- Don’t give them consistent opportunities to help or serve other people.
- Never require them to do chores.
- Reinforce their prejudices about people from different cultures or backgrounds.
- Make your relationship with them more important than your relationship with your spouse.
- Rarely express genuine gratitude to those who help you.
- Teach them to talk more than they listen.
- Never let them hear you say “I was wrong. I am sorry.”
Maybe you can add a few ideas of your own… on how to raise a jerk.
Wow. I love the “Always take their side when they get in trouble with their teacher at school.”
Don’t let them participate in giving. Pick out the presents they give to others and make sure they don’t see their reaction. Never let them give what they want to give because you think it’s silly.
Wow. That’s a pretty comprehensive list. My only addition would be–Neglect to teach them any sort of self discipline. And please, oh please! Neglect to teach them basic manners; particularly around adults.
“Make your relationship with them more important than your relationship with your spouse.”
I think that’s a very common one – perhaps the most common. My grandmother has a placard on the wall that says “The best thing a father can do for his children is love their mother.” Seems that kind of wisdom has eluded us in recent generations.
As a childless teacher, I see the fruit of many of these things daily. I would add, “teach your child that life is fair” to the list. All day long I hear about how unFAIR everything is. It makes for very whiny, spoiled children who are honestly not very enjoyable to be around. The sooner you can learn to deal positively with disappointment, the less of a jerk you’ll be.
Let them hear negative talk
Never let them have ownership of age appropriate tasks
Teach them that their (exclusive, expensive, privatized, Christian, or whatever other label) education is more valuable than any other kid in your community or across the world. Teach them to continue the cycle of abandoning the poor by starting with where and how they learn.
I confirm that Eli is no jerk and that his parents avoid jerk-producing parenting for the most part. Let’s face it, we all need to work constantly reversing these rules, even in our own behavior. One rule I find a surefire winner for jerkdom is “Make sure they esteem the needs and values of their peers more than those who are younger OR older.”
Great input -hopefully these can be good reminders for parents – so in summary:
Don’t let them be personally involved in giving gifts.
Neglect to teach them basic manners and self-discipline.
Tell them that life should be fair.
Refuse to let them be responsible for age appropriate tasks.
Expose them to criticism and negative conversation.
Encourage a superior attitude based on where they attend school.
Allow them to make their peer relationships the priority of their life.
This covers a lot of ground.
WOW EYE OPENER- I guess I have been raising a Jerk! I thought but giving thouse things. time to change strategy.
M.
This is SO TRUE. I am a parent of a 4 and 7 year old and an Elementary Principal…and I see parents raising children like this and I myself am guilty of some of these things myself.
Thank you for thinking outside the box and willing to put these catchy articles on-line. It helps us parents to remember to fight the good fight…and helps public school educators like myself to have an open mind that children most of the time don’t behave badly because they CHOOSE to behave badly but rather because their parents are CHOOSING to raise them to become jerks. Well said, Reggie!
thanks for the input Jennifer – I’d like to get your perspective sometime on what parents can do to help their kids show up in the morning at school with the best possible frame of mind – I know a host of parents of elementary age and teachers who struggle with this issue
Here is a story that will reinforce the above
http://www.kidtrek-sundayplus.org/2010/11/21/child-discipleship-do-we-over-protect-our-children/
I have witnessed poor parenting over the years. Although my kids are 21 and 22 and they are fine young adults living at home – we still struggle with “entitlement” and “gratitude” issues.
never follow through, and let them see that there are no consequences to disobedience. only give them what they want when they’ve cried & whined about it long enough.
Keep them away from the disabled.
Allow them to only explore things that interest you.
Immediately re-do yourself the things that they try that don’t meet with your standards.
Pass on your fears to to them.
Treat others disrespectfully and scream at people.
Discourage them from asking questions that embarrass you.
Try to make them just like you.
also make sure they never have to apologize for anything they’ve done to another person or property.
Keep them entertained at all times. Never allow them to be bored.
Love the detailed list. “Never require them to do chores” will also be on the “How to raise a pig” list. lol Keep up the good work, I love your articles.
Teresa Clark
Dynasty Web Marketing – Need a Website?
Make constant grandiose threats of punishment for minor disciplinary infractions and follow through on none of them.