I kind of like technology. You might say I’m a bit addicted.
Three people live in our house–me, my wife, and our teenage son. Ten years ago, we had one family computer that sat in the living room, and I had a laptop for work. Today, between the three of us, we have nine computer-ish devices–three smart phones, two tablets, two laptops, a PC and an iMac. Throw a couple of TVs and a gaming system into the mix and it’s, well, ridiculous.
Or is it? It is the 21st Century after all. This scene gets played out all over North America. After dinner, your daughter is Facebooking her friends. Your son is gaming, obsessively trying to get to the next level. You’re on your laptop and your spouse is texting a friend while the two of you are watching TV.
The challenge this poses is simple: Everyone is connecting with someone—just not with the people in the room.
So, who’s to blame? It’s easy to finger technology for creating a relational disconnect. According to a recent study, only 35 percent of tweens and teens feel emotionally close to their dads, and only 59 percent feel emotionally close to their moms.
We can pretend that life was simpler back in the day before WIFI left no room unconnected. When you’re struggling to have a conversation with your kids, and between the Wii and YouTube you can’t get a word in edge-wise, it’s natural to think technology has killed your family.
I’m not sure it’s that simple. Here’s a question to wrestle with: What if technology isn’t good or evil, but simply reveals and amplifies what’s already there?
There may indeed be a relational disconnect, but many of us grew up in a home where the primary activity we shared decades ago was watching TV. (Ironically, that’s still the number one activity parents and teens engage in together today.) And more than a few of us grew up in homes where relationship was hard to come by. Many children of the sixties, seventies and eighties had parents who worked long hours, moms who were busy with friends, distracted by book clubs or endless housework, or dads who came home only to disappear to the golf course or to the garage to tinker all night. Distraction and disconnection aren’t new.
Maybe technology is simply revealing and amplifying a problem that’s been with us for awhile.
Which is why I’m so glad you’re with us this week on the blog: relationships within families are worth fighting for and technology doesn’t have to kill your family. In fact, technology gives us incredible opportunities and the potential for unprecedented connectedness. But like all things, it needs to be managed so it becomes a servant of what matters most–our relationship with God and each other.
Something else to think about: there’s a reasonable likelihood technology is here to stay. So, this week we’ll explore ways to approach technology that might help your family manage it well.
In the meantime, take some time to evaluate the state of relationship in your home. To get started, ask yourself this question:
If all the technology in your home was removed tomorrow, what would be left of your relationship with your family?
I realize that can be a tough question, but tough questions can lead us to great places relationally. Especially if, like me, you like technology.
So, if the power went out and the WIFI and cable went down, what would be left of the relationships in your home?
This subject is very timely for us. My husband and I don’t see eye to eye with technology. He wants the kids to never use it, and I want to teach them to use it in moderation. Yet we both fail at modeling the use of technology the way we want our kids to use it. I look forward what you will share this week.
Jenny, I hear you. That’s never easy when spouses can’t agree. We’ll offer some practical guidelines later in the week, but I want to encourage you to keep working with your husband until you can find some kind of agreement. Having parents on the same page is just so huge. Guidelines will vary between homes and no one really has the ‘right’ answer on this for everyone. I hope and pray you and your husband can come to a place of agreement.
If all technology was removed from our home, conversation would be difficult. There is a lot of animated discussion about things we’ve seen on television or youtube and my boys often talk to each other in video game lingo. The good thing is that we talk to each other. The challenging thing (especially for me) is that the subject matter of our conversations is often technology. I am the only female in my household and the least technological of the bunch. I don’t even want to keep up with the advances in technology (it all moves too quickly for me) or spend so much time in front of the television but if I don’t, I feel I’m pretty much isolating myself from the people I love most since that is where their interest lies. I think I would be happy if the technology in our home suddenly died but I would be the only one. I honestly can’t think of one activity that would unite us more than television shows. What naturally interests me doesn’t interest my spouse or sons very much. It’s hard to fake interest. I know because I’ve been doing it for a long time now to keep relationship happening in my home. What is the secret to spending less time with technology and more time doing something (anything!) else when three out of four don’t want to do something (anything!) else?
Yvonne…thanks for sharing so honestly and openly. I think you raise a great question. It’s difficult, particularly with teens. What do other parents find helpful at creating moments to connect when only one in the house doesn’t like technology? I’d love to hear your ideas!
In my relationship, technology actually has literally brought us together. We met playing WoW, found out we were local to each other (and single) the night we met and are coming up on 2.5 years together total and engaged for 14 months so we could save up for our wedding this summer (since neither of our parents is helping us – we are both in our early 30s). We also used to play WoW together – it was 15 bucks a month for each of us, unlimited play, so it was cost effective entertainment (and I am NOT a TV person. Watching it bores me because it’s not interactive). And it was together, whether it was raiding with our guild or goofing off and questing together (sitting side by side at our computers) on our low level characters. We make a point of having non-tech-centric couple time too – going for walks at a local park.
Cute article, very original with the way you portray sons who play video games as “obsessively trying to reach the next level”. This old mantra is behind the times I’m afraid. “gamer” are not 40 year old slobs who live in their parents basement. And in fact, they aren’t even recluses. I’m very certain you would be very surprised to understand just how social games are. Some of my closest and best friends were met through Counter Srike, my father and I game together and very much enjoy it. Its about time that people realize that technology doesn’t implicitly destroy relationships, but rather gives us the opportunity to grow relationships that otherwise would be lost.
Unless that is you prefer writing letters back and forth on the pony express.
Gaming absolutely is social..but a different kind of social. Thanks for the input!
I think what we really miss with using technology to “connect” is eye to eye contact. This has been shown to be very important to our feelings of connectedness. We want to believe that social networks connect us, but I haven’t found that kind of “connection” to really provide the true feelings of belonging and community that our hearts long for. I have often found that when I am feeling lonely I turn to my major social network for connection, but it doesn’t satisfy. However, when I started making a habit to have lunch with some close friends I left that time feeling much better & truly cared for. I truly believe that our kids need to see our eyes & faces to feel our love. They need to feel the warmth of our appropriate touch. My kids love to play video games, but they are only allowed to do so in moderation. Then I ask that they come in & help with dinner while we talk together. Media has been a very poor substitute for real connection in my life. I often feel even more alone after turning to it for connection & finding it has very little to offer. We were created for connection and it feels really good when we start experiencing it.