We have gone to the same area of Florida beaches almost every year as a family. I took this picture this summer looking out across a scene that has pretty much stayed the same for the past 30 years. It made me think about my younger days as a parent. This is going to sound strange, but I do wonder sometimes if God got it backwards when it comes to parenting. I’m not really questioning God’s wisdom, so don’t respond with a super-spiritual answer to correct my logic, just let me think out loud for a few minutes. Why did I start out as a dad during the busiest and hardest years of my life?
I became a parent like a lot of you, while I was still trying to figure out who I was, build a career, manage a minimal income, establish a healthy marriage, etc. It seems like it would make more sense to find my identity, build a strong marriage, retire and then have kids. Now I have more margin in my time and finances. Back then, I was always running out of everything. I turn 50 this week, and I just think I would be a much better parent now than I was in my twenties. I actually hear young parents giving advice to other young parents sometimes and think, “that’s never going to work.” I start to interrupt and then just think, “you will figure this out.” I really do wish I knew then what I know now. Not that I have all the answers…I just think I would be a smarter dad. So here’s some advice I would give to myself if I were starting over as a dad:
Listen more, talk less.
(I can’t count the college students who tell me they don’t feel like their parents ever really listened.)
Don’t “send” your kids to bed, put them in bed.
(You only have a short window of time when they are young enough to want you to tuck them in.)
Ask better questions.
(Learn to shift from performance questions to heart questions.)
Guard Saturdays to create family traditions.
(There are a little over 350 Saturdays between the time your kids are 1st grade and when they become teenagers, then Saturdays change forever.)
Don’t sign up your kids for everything.
(We tend to make our kids experientially rich, but relationally poor.)
Play games.
(Have fun together, build memories playing board games or card games, etc.)
Don’t take things too serious.
(What you think matters right now, will probably not matter as much as you think it does later. What does matter is what you communicate during stressful or dramatic moments.)
Never punish anyone relationally.
(Don’t withdraw your relationship to make someone feel bad for something they have done wrong.)
Do chores together.
(Kids who work with their parents have a better work ethic and tend to be more responsible.)
Say “I love you” everyday.
(It’s just a healthy habit you can never start to early.)
Apologize often.
(You might as well admit when you do something wrong, everyone knows it anyway.)
I could keep going here … I will give you another list later. But it would be great if some of you could give us some advice.
If you are a grandparent or parent over 40 help us add to the list.
Thanks for that great advice. Our family schedule can get silly sometimes so this has been on my mind recently as school and work ramps up for a new season. I don’t meet the criteria to add to your list, so I’ll just comment that it’s easy for us parents to abdicate consistent family investments based on the notion that we can make up for it later. My wife and I are trying harder to make the consistent daily and weekly investments nonnegotiable priorities. Your list is great because it speaks towards consistent behavior and a way of life.
Awesome post, Reggie. It do.es seem a bit backwards.
Relish moments together. Drink them in. Seems like we could be SO busy doing life that is made up of moments- that we missed them with the pace we kept when our kids were young. Purpose to make eye contact with one another in your family. Sometimes that can trigger that it is a moment to be relished!
As a 53 year old parent of 3 – 27, 26 and 17, I too look back and wonder where the time went and how I could have made it better. I love that God was patient with me and allowed me to find him at the ripe old age of 43! But if I had found Him sooner, what kind of impact would that have made on the lives of my children? Two of the three are now Christ-followers and are doing well in spite of MY efforts as a parent. This past week I began to pray a blessing over my kids at bedtime . . . hey – it’s never too late, I thought! Since only the 17 year old lives at home, I had to text the blessing to the older two. (Both were amazed that I could figure that out!!!) Our oldest son, the one we’re still praying into the fold, wrote back asking “what in the world was that all about?” I had to smile as I wrote back saying, “this is the blessing I will pray for you every night – starting tonight – asking God to look over you, smile with favor on you and bring you peace.” He didn’t respond, but I know his wheels were turning! I still give our 17 year old a kiss every night – he humors me! – and now I add the blessing to our nighttime ritual. He smiles and says simply “thanks, mom”.
As I look back and remember precious memories . . . as I wish there were things I could go back and redo or undo . . . I have to say that I am so grateful for THIS moment as a parent. And if I had any advice for young parents, it would be to savor each and every moment without hesitation and regret. They are true gifts form God.
Love this post. I do not quite fit the over 40 yet, but I could add just my heart here. If you as parents go to a church that does 252 curriculum, do the “God Time” cards with your kids. And if at all possible, while they are still in elementary school, show up to class parties, lunch time or other opportunities to be in their classroom.
Reggie thank you so much for this advice. I have a 9 and a 6 year old, and my wife and I don’t have our parents around to share these kinds of insights with us. I need to share this with other young families in our ministry.
Reggie…great stuff! I’m working on a couple of things right now on apologize often. I believe this is the key to pulling out the arrows in your kids heart (that we put there). I have learned to intentionally get on my knees (eye level) w/ them, look them in the eyes and not apologize, but ask for their forgiveness. This is paramount! It lets them know you love them but that you are taking the time to intentionally ask their forgiveness….
great stuff! thankyou!
Chris
I am 48, mother of 4 the youngest is 21, and grandma to 5- 8 and under. I homeschooled and can tell you time to just relate with each other was the most awesome thing. We also read books together which increased their own love of reading. We spent a lot of time talking and going to sport’s practices with them instead of dropping them off. My daughter now adult, said she loved that, I got to see how much she was growing. I wasn’t a “great” mom, but I really wanted to know, love and appreciate my children and see them how God saw them. I figured I was the parent and the coach or instructor wasn’t, I wanted to be able to talk to my kids after practice about what happened, good or bad. I had a hard time when they left home. Then I became a Children’s Pastor who has always been Orange, and have tried hard to bring parents into the fold, and really understand all that God wants them to be.
I am loving ORANGE! Thank you.
Walk, Sit, and Stand together more often.
(invite them in to hear you dream with God and God’s people)
Happy Birthday Reggie!
My parents were 40 years old when they adopted my sister as I (I was 5 months old when I was given to them). My mom (and dad, but not as much as my mom) was extremely wise, which was a true blessing! I do count myself blessed to have had them at that stage in their life.
However, the flip side to that, they both passed away when I was 18 years old – although they were still young (59 and 60 years old). And I know they could have passed away at the same time even if they were younger – God alone knows the answer.
As I too approach 50 years, I sure wish I had my mom around to share with. But God has placed several others in my life to help!
I truly appreciate this post and will print and re-read it from time to time! I adore being a mom!
Thanks Reggie great gut check for any parent.
Thanks, Reggie. This list is something I am printing off to put near my jar of beads I got at something where you reminded us how few weekends we truly have. I’m a single parent for a few months and am seeing how hard that can be – everything they get from the parent side of things has to come from me right now. Thank you for the change of perspective so I can get out of the “just getting through it” mindset I have some days.