Photo by Reggie Joiner
Time flies fast from elementary to college age, so get ready to change your parenting habits. Every child seems to move in warp speed toward the teenage years.
I was caught by surprise when a new declaration of personal independence was automatically assumed the day my son got his driver’s license. It was as though I represented an oppressive and extremely unfair regime whenever I tried to enforce any rule. (Whenever I said no to one of my teenage daughters, she would go to her bedroom, close the door and play Britney Spears’ “Overprotected” over and over again for over an hour, loud enough for me and the whole house to hear.) I have to admit, it was difficult for me to transition from parenting children to parenting teenagers. I had worked with teenagers all of my life, but I had never actually had any living in my home. I am still a recovering parent of teens, but here are a few things I have recognized about this chapter of parenting:
It’s a complicated time.
While your children are transitioning from being dependent to independent, you are transitioning as a parent from having authority to leveraging your influence. You can’t parent them the same way you did when they were in elementary school.
It’s an urgent time.
Face it. You know a window is closing fast. Ready or not, in a few short years your children will be leaving home. You are running out of time, and it is easy to feel a little panicked. Everything seems to matter more (grades, decisions, relationships.) And to make matters worse, everything costs more too. Have I mentioned the price of college these days? Feeling better?
Keep fighting for your teenager’s emotional health by investing in relational time with them. Especially during this uncertain season, they need a positive relationship with you more than you or they may realize. Here are a few things to remember that might help you make the time you spend with your teenager more meaningful:
• Find a common activity you can both enjoy.
Go to favorite restaurant, movie, or concert. Discover a hobby or a type of recreation you can do together. Find common interests. It only takes a few.
• Make sure there is no agenda.
They will see right through a masked motive and interpret your effort to hang out as manipulation. Don’t forget. This is about building your relationship. So don’t use this time to deal with issues. Guard the fun.
• Keep it outside the house.
You probably already spend most of your time together in your home. It can be full of duties, responsibilities, and distractions, so get out and do something that is a contrast to your normal routine.
• Do it without friends.
Anyone you add to your time will drastically change the dynamic. Give your teenager individual and undivided attention, without your friends or their friends, and even without siblings.
• Mutually agree to turn off cell phones.
Make at least part of your time a no-electronic zone. Phones have a way of distracting you from meaningful and engaging dialogue.
• Put it on the schedule (but not on a Friday).
Be sensitive to how a teenager wants to organize his or her life. Discover the rhythm that exists in their schedule and agree with them on the best times to hang out.
• Stay flexible (and be willing to reschedule frequently).
A teenager’s world is always changing. They could feel trapped if you are rigid about your scheduled time with them. Don’t let your time with them become a competition with their other interests and priorities. Avoid making them choose between you and something else they really want to do.
• Remember your goal is not to change them.
Avoid getting into conversations where you are trying to correct or improve a behavior. Save those conversations for another time. You can shut down a positive experience if you try to leverage it to fix something.
• Keep working at it.
Learning to communicate with those you love can be awkward at times. Strive to ask the right kind of questions and listen more than you talk. You are not trying to become your teen’s best friend, but you are laying an important foundation for the kind of friendship you want to enjoy with them during their adult years.
• Use it as an opportunity to give your teenager approval.
I’m amazed at how many adults left home without ever really feeling like their parents believed in them. Look for numerous opportunities to encourage their specific strengths and skills.
Having fun and spending quality time together is increasingly important as your relationship with your child changes. This week, find out what kind of activities your teenager likes, and schedule some intentional time together when you can simply enjoy being together.
And if you have other tips you’ve discovered about spending time with a teenage son or daughter, please post them in the comments so we can all learn from our shared experiences.
Boy, Reggie, you titled this post appropriately, Parents in Transition or PIT. Yep, sometimes it feels like the pits, even though just this past weekend I stated that we’re in a good place right now, and I’d stall time here if I could. It only takes one new invitation from a teen’s friend to wipe out all the sense of balance that existed a moment earlier.
Because of that sense of urgency that the window is shutting soon (our older son is a HS junior), we may be overdoing it giving him too much of our availability, rarely saying no to his requests, which results in our shuttling him to the moon and back with little regard to how it may be disrupting the rest of the family. I’m afraid it’s creating a selfish sense of entitlement and setting the spin cycle off balance. Balance is probably key, and that’s where we’re striving. Yes, those struggles of the early days, though exhausted in the process, were much easier struggles, as those who’ve gone before us said they would be.
It’s really not the PITs in the big scheme of things, but it sure “ain’t easy” either.
DJ, I definitely understand how easy it is to become too available to your kids or accommodate their needs in an unhealthy way. It’s just hard to know where that line is sometimes. I know I have crossed it before. It’s difficult to figure out how to lead them toward a sense of autonomy. Regardless, establishing a consistent time to work on your relationship with them is just healthy. So when you do say no, or make tough decisions to push them into more responsible behavior, you have built a strong relational foundation.
Reggie-
Great insight – addresses where we are with our daughters (13 and 11). This is a must-forward. Thx
-Jeff
As my 3 year old Ruby is ALL OF THE SUDDEN 12 and in her first year of junior high!!!!!
I really appreciate this post and insight Reggie.
Thanks for your authenticity and wisdom.
Just look at it this way Todd, you only have half the time to spend with her than you have already had before she leaves home
Reggie,
Godly wisdom is so necessary in raising children. Thanks for imparting what God has given you. As parents of 3 boys and 1 girl, ages 20,17,14,and 7 it so different switching
between the older 3 and youngest. Transitioning is one area we weren’t up to speed. God has opened our eyes to how strategic and important parenting is. Not easy,
but definitely more methodical. God has opened an entirely new vision in ministry, as well, to help other parents struggling, to find God’s way better as well. These are timeless suggestions for parents of teenagers and soon to be parents of teenagers. Thanks for pushing us into being better, our children will benefit greatly.
Jeff