One of the greatest adjustments I had to make in parenting happened when my kids soared past their tenth birthdays. It had to do with shifting rhythms, and I really found myself unprepared.
I could deal with the rhythms of the first ten years of parenting fairly easily. Stage one is called hanging on for dear life – from night time feedings to diaper changes to play time, nap time, meal time and story time…parents are fighting to establish a rhythm that doesn’t complete exhaust them. And usually, we do (if you’re not there yet…hang on…it comes).
The early elementary years were the most straight forward. From the rhythms of the school day, to homework, to packing lunches, to sports, lessons and club activities, family life is at its most structured and controlled. Busy and full…but predictable.
Then we hit the pre-teens years. For me, it was a strange awakening. I realized the kids didn’t want to play the games we used to play. From building Lego to endless rounds of hockey in the driveway, the kids lost interest. They wanted to spend more time with their friends. None of this is bad or unnatural, but it almost felt like the parent-child relationship was breaking down.
Your three year old who would never leave you alone is now your thirteen year old who doesn’t really want to be seen with you at the mall. Yikes.
So I developed a rule after a bit of trial and error:
Don’t withdraw, even if your child does.
This is the age when many parents, lost at what to do, just give up. Check out parent-teacher night in high school. It’s crickets compared to first grade. Ironically, at the age where many kids are withdrawing, they are also asking “Does anyone really care about me? Is anyone going to love me forever – unconditionally? Is anyone going to fight for a relationship with me?”
Any decent parent would answer yes to all of those questions. But if you’re relationship is almost non-existent, how would they know? And after all, they’re not really withdrawing. They’re just maturing. Trying to figure out what it means to grow up in this world.
So I just decided…as a parent, I’m not going to withdraw. On Friday, I’ll share with you specific ways in which I think that approach has helped.
What are you learning about stages in parenting? What are you learning about pre-teens and the journey to independence?
What great wisdom! I am not yet a father but will be in mid-July and am encouraged to hear this great information. It seems so simple to not withdraw when your child does but, to me, it would seem that this could be a terribly hard thing to do.It seems to parallel well with what God does for us. Even though we turn our backs and run away from Him, He always remains right there- faithfully. I am excited to take it one day at a time and know that God will lead my wife and I in whatever we do. Thanks Carey!
Grant
Grant…thanks and congratulations. It’s an exciting journey. I think before I had kids it would have been hard to imagine withdrawing, but I’ve seen so many parents do it and felt the impulses myself when my kids hit that stage. I don’t think it’s a question of wanting to withdraw, but withdrawing because you don’t know what else to do. Hopefully we can help parents fight that urge.
Thanks Carey, that was very helpful. I have a 12 year old son soon to be 13 and know exactly what you are talking about! Sometimes it is hard to know how far to push them or not push them. The teenage years are going to be “interesting.” My daughter is only 5 and she is in that wonderful stage of being excited about everything, even going to the grocery store with me lol! What a difference a few years makes!
Very good words Carey! I’m definitely experiencing this with my Middle Schooler – I love this kid!!
Thanks Dave…Thanks Carrie. I think understand it’s normal for them was a help for me…they are trying to figure out independence…which they are heading into in a decade.
Carrie…if I have a thesis I’d love to explore at some point in my life it’s why the wonder, enthusiasm and sheer delight we see in young children all but disappears by their teen years. Breaks my heart. Adults rarely if ever recapture it.
wow…Carey some great wisdom. I am a mom to a 12 year old that just lost his father this past december and man it is sooo rough. I was divorced to his father & there is step family…step mom, half brother, & step brother. I have so many questions on what is the right thing with visiting them. The step mom wants every other weekend like it was when the dad was around but I just don’t feel comfortable about that but then I go back I think what would god want me to do & I just don’t know. The step mom is really an over bearing step mom…my son calling her mom & she’s calling herself his mom which I don’t think is right. Wish they had a book on all this. But as they get older it is harder…I tell him no & he doesn’t want to talk to me and he thinks he knows whats best for him. This is tuffiest time in my life! I wish someone could just tell me the answers. Love this website & its definitely helpful can’t wait to read more on Friday.
Great Stuff Carey,
One big thing I’m learning with my 9 year old is how to ask better questions and giving less direct instruction. I’m praying I’ve influenced her enough to coach her into right decisions with great questions.
Great insight – thanks for instigating thoughtful parenting. My 11 year old son has been one of my very favourite people to hang out with for, well, 11 years now! I too am experiencing this new rhythm of drift with him. I’ve been more intent on being “Dad” rather than “best bud”. Not to say we can’t hang out and have fun together, but the role we play must be clear. We are not just another BFF to our kids – we are parents. As such, I am enjoying those times that he wants to be with me, and praying for parenting wisdom for those times he pulls away so my wife and I provide appropriate guidance, boundaries, and expectations – and NEVER pulling away from him. Looking forward to more thoughts and tips tomorrow Carey!
Jenn…wow…that’s a tough situation. I hope you have some good people around you. That can make such a difference. One of the other keys is to realize that your story is not that dissimilar to so many stories in the bible of families that were divided by various issues (Jacob and Joseph’s family, for example). Our prayers are with you.
Richard…thanks. Better questions is a great idea.
Brodie…great point. You are right…we’re not there to be friends nearly as much as we are to be parents.
Thanks for some great insights this week.
“if I have a thesis I’d love to explore at some point in my life it’s why the wonder, enthusiasm and sheer delight we see in young children all but disappears by their teen years. Breaks my heart. Adults rarely if ever recapture it”
Carey, I believe this is because it is almost ‘taught’ out of them. I’m an early childhood education major and one of our biggest goals is to let children experience and cultivate a love of learning, which means wonder, curiosity, and exploration everyday. Due to the changes in our school system today this love is typically lost by elementary school, unless you have some truly dedicated teachers! Creativity is lost if it’s not cultivated, more often than not, and sadly it’s presence in schools has all but diminished. Children are naturally creative and delighted with life, but there are plenty of opportunities to stomp that out with rote memorization and pure academics aside from real ‘learning.’ Just my opinion, but this breaks my heart too.
Thanks for the insight Em. Appreciate it!