by Gina McClain
Several weeks ago I was dropping my daughter off for a birthday party. As I was leaving a man stopped me asking for directions. He was standing with one of my daughter’s school friends. Immediately recognizing her, I put my hand out and introduced myself explaining that our daughters sit together at lunch often. His reaction was sarcastic as he gave his daughter a side-ways glance. He made a negative comment regarding his daughter as he looked at her. Her response to him led me to believe those interactions are common.
Witnessing the exchange made me sad. I drove away thinking of all the little things we can do as parents that either build up or tear down the hearts of our kids.
It’s challenging to articulate the influence a father has on a little girl. How much of his attitude and actions toward her can determine her future relationships. I remember how much stock I placed in what my dad thought of me. I remember how much I wanted him to be proud of me. To affirm me. To show me my value.
I remember how he would brag about me on the sidelines of the soccer field.
How he would tell me I’m beautiful.
How he would hug me so hard I couldn’t breath.
How often he reminded me as a teenager, “Never date a boy you wouldn’t marry.”
(What a way to narrow the playing field!)
Dads, don’t lose sight of the impact you have today on your daughter’s future. Here are three things I encourage you to focus on:
Affirm Her
She looks to you for affirmation, encouragement, & guidance. As she grows through puberty (ESPECIALLY, as she grows through puberty), she needs your voice reminding her that she is beautiful, valuable and worthy of love. If she can learn to believe you, then she’ll believe her future husband when he tells her the same things.
Set the Standard
Be the husband you want her to have one day. Enough said. Is it difficult? Yes. Does it mean sacrifice? Yes. Is it worth it? Yes. I watch my husband daily making changes to be a better husband and dad. He’s amazing. He demonstrates for our daughter the kind of man he wants her to marry one day.
Talk About the Standard
Talk about the future. As you “Imagine the End” and think about the man you hope she marries… talk about it! Let her know what you expect. Set the bar. She’ll do everything she can to jump over it.
Let me level with you, dad. The more you affirm her today, the less she’ll seek affirmation in some teenage boy later.
Gina McClain is the Children’s Ministry Director at Faith Promise Church in Knoxville, Tennessee. Gina is driven by the idea of equipping parents for the journey of teaching their kids how to follow Christ. Based upon her experience as a mom, she identifies with the everyday challenges parents wade through. Gina and her husband, Kyle, have three kids, Keegan, Josie and Connor.
Where did I go wrong? As a father of 4 girls, ages 21 to 32, i feel i failed them terribly in choosing a mate and respecting themselves. My wife and I have been married for 35 years, i would pray with them at bedtime read stories etc with them. I thought I was showing them the type of person to look for but I don’t know what happened. None of them stayed virgins my youngest became a teen mom and the guy she is with has cheated on her twice and she still takes him back because she feels that the best she can do another compromised the type of person she would marry and is having marital problems. Another daughter married a person who loves her but they have been separated longer than they have been married great and one like the song goes is looking for love in all the wrong places because she doesn’t want to be an old maid.
I love them very much but where did i go wrong?
Ruben,
I empathize with where you are and the question you’re asking. But can I encourage you to ask a different question today? Lord, what will you reveal through me to my daughters today?
Although the post implies a formula to follow that results in a guaranteed outcome, the reality of life is… we can’t make decisions for our kids. Ultimately only they can. And although we can fight to foster a relationship with them that allows us to maintain a voice in their lives… they still make their own decisions.
What I can strongly encourage you to do today is to remain that constant presence in their life of unconditional love. Just as the father in the story of the prodigal son waited expectantly for the time his son would remember who he was… you can continue the work God has for you, Fight for the Heart by being a source of unconditional love in their life and cling to Hebrews 11:1.
Be encouraged. Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world.
Gina,
Thank you for replying to Ruben. Your words encouraged me, too. Many of us have hopes for how we will influence those around us. We can not control others, though. Each day we have an opportunity to learn from the past and look ahead. It sounds trite in light of difficult and painful experiences but God is always in the business of redeeming.
Remember this, God was the perfect Father and how many angels disobeyed him and rebelled against him? We often beat ourselves up over children who go astray, yet God had the perfect environment and was the perfect Father to Adam & Eve, and look what happened there too.
Dear Ruben,
I have only one advice for all who has the same problem. Stop looking and talking about the problem and start saying / declaring what you want to see happening in the future. This goes against every single nerve and common sense in your brain cells, and trust me, you will feel like a fool for doing so, you will feel like you are living in denial. BUT listen, when God created heaven and earth, everything was in a mess initially…..until He SAID, “let there be light”. God did not see the mess and said….”gee….surely it is dark out here!”. What He said changed what He saw. Also look at Mark 11:23 onwards….one will have what one says.
Be encouraged, as a dad, you still have spiritual authority over your children. Nothing is too late. Lazarus was brought to life even after 3 days! Start declaring and the scenery will change.
You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m a female with an absentee father, and even though he was not nice and little presence in my life, I’ve been in very good relationships with just two very good men in my life, married the second one. So according to this I should have been all over the place. Children, young adults will make their own choices, I had friends who ended up on drugs and really lost even though their parents were fantastic and always loved and guided their kids. My advice is to pray and trust God, be peaceful in assurance that He will guide them and eventually they will listen.
All you can do is pray for them. You did your part as a parent. They chose their future. There is still hope. God can take a hold of their life and turn it around. My daughter was a teen mom too. Married another man, found herself in a bad situation, called on God and her life was changed. Still married after 13 yrs with 3 beautiful children and an awsome man of God. Will be praying for you.
Great thoughts, my daughter is only four right now, but I already see how much my attitudes and words shape her own thoughts. I don’t think I’ll start talking about her future husband to her yet, but I’ll remember this for down the road!
Ruben – It is important to understand that even though you have a responsibility to set the example and standard for your daughter, you are not the one personally responsible for every decision they make. At the end of the day, they have to “work out their own salvation with fear and trembling.” That being said, I would suggest two tasks for you. The first is, search – search hard and ask God to show you where you fell short with your influence and seek Him for restoration in the relationship with your girls. Decide if there is an area where you need to go to them and ask their forgiveness. That is something only you and God can determine, but I see it as necessary because you clearly have pain deep inside which can become bitterness toward them or perpetuate a feeling of inadequacy in your own walk with the Lord. The second challenge I would give you is a challenge I learned from a very dear friend and fellow pastor. While he and his wife were out of town (out of the country actually) ministering to congregations in very effective and meaningful ways, his only daughter eloped with a young man he had clearly identified (appropriately so) as questionable in character and immature in his personal growth. He was certainly not the person any father would have envisioned his daughter walking down the isle for. Of course his initial response was anger and pain. He wanted nothing less than to find a way to either turn back time or see this relationship dissolved and quickly. He was embarrassed, hurt and very concerned about his daughter’s safety and future. Knowing this young man myself, my friend’s assessment was very much justified – alcohol, drugs, dishonesty, unproductive, uncommitted to God, violent in his interactions with others. As he sought the Lord for a solution, he came to the realization that consequences from the world would fall on this couple and there was no value in stopping that or making them fall from his hand instead of God’s. But he also realized that if he couldn’t make this guy disappear, he would need to become very close to this young man to influence him. So rather than waste time being angry, he began to train him – how to work, how to speak to his daughter, how to treat small children, how to work in ministry, how to grow in Christ. He has set it as his personal mission to disciple this young man. I wish I could tell you things have turned around dramatically. He has not seen a dramatic change. But he has decided to look for positive movement in the right direction. And this approach has provided healing between he, his wife and their daughter. I don’t know what your situation is, but I know that rejecting these men your daughters have chosen will distance you from them, but it will also distance you from having influence on your daughters from this point forward as well. If you hope to have continued positive impact on your daughters and grandchildren in the future, you need to find a way to heal the relationship as you have it now. A father’s influence is never gone. Having lost my father, without much in the way of healing taking place, I can tell you that his influence still plagues my own relationship with God the FATHER. Don’t give up on the relationship. You have an opportunity to turn not only your daughters’ hearts but also the hearts of your son-in-laws. Blessings to you in this rough time in your journey with Christ.
Gina, this is an excellent idea, and I feel very humbled by it. I have older daughters (26 & 24) and I think I was more positive and encouraging with them than I am now with my younger (12) daughter. Maybe it’s age or time or familiarity with being a parent, but I feel like I take her more for granted having had kids for so long. You know, I’m around them so much, and sometimes it seems they’re more frustrating than anything else. Your article is a great reminder to me to always show the love in my heart for each of them.
I love this!! This is so true, our words truly shape our children’s lives. Is there anything like this for boys? I have a 6 yr old and another boy on the way. I am constantly trying to choose the right words with my son as he can be very sensitive at times and I don’t want him to grow up feeling self conscious and not believing in himself. He’s a very smart boy, at 6 yrs old he reads at a 4th grade level but there are times that he doesn’t believe in himself and what he’s capable of.
There’s a great book by John Eldredge named Wild at Heart. This book will explain everything your asking about Anna, there’s also the “girls version” of this book names Captivating. God Bless You and help you on your parenting journey.
-Rob
Thanks Gina,
I have a son and two daughters (12, 8). I am amazed at how much a little recognition goes with them. I am not perfect but I am trying. Simple little hugs, affirmation, and taking time away with each of them on their own goes a long ways. I was walking down the mall with my 12 y/o last month and out of no where she reached over and grabbed my hand. Talk about an ego boost! I knew then that I may not be perfect all them time, but I am making a deep impact in their lives. I would encourage all dad’s to constantly reaffirm your daughters, speak love and truth into them, and most of all – pray for them daily!
“…pray for them daily!” Great words! Jeff! Thanks
Together with your wife, you rreaffirm your sons and daughter, not just your daughters.
Great post, Gina! While we can’t guarantee outcomes, we can stack the deck in favor of our kids.
I read this and knew I had something more to add to my fatherly toolbox. I try to be a good father for my daughter. I was watching Mike Holmes on TV a couple of weeks ago and he stated that his father had a great impact on the way he goes about his business, by asking the question “Why am I doing it this way?”. I felt that that really is a great piece of advice for all fathers. I have started asking my daughter that question every time we are working on a project together. She seems to grabbing a hold of the reason way we do things correctly the first time. This advice you have written reaffirms what I always believed was true, but had never heard a woman state it. THANKS! I tell my daughter that I always love her even if I am disappointed or mad at her. That’s because she is the most precious gift that I have ever received.
What about your son being the most precious git??
As I read this blog and the one about how fathers can be the best for their sons, I am struggling with why there is a distinction made betweem fathering a daughter and fathering a son. I agree, they have different needs. But, I think they both need affirmation from their fathers, they both need their fathers to trust them and have faith in them, they both need to be told they are “good enough”. And, they both need to see a good example of what a father/husband is in a relationship with their mother. I am disappointed that advice about raising daughters always seems to center around guiding them toward the perfect husband, instead of guiding them into a life of happiness and fulfillment, regardless of whether that is married, single, as a mother, as a girlfriend, as a nun.
@Amy, I very much agree with you!
Over my life I have been repeatedly told I was beautiful by friends, husbands, and my young son! Of course I could not believe them. The only voice that seemed to hold any merit to me, was my father telling me I was too fat, and not pretty enough. He never, not even once told me I was beautiful. He told my sister often, but I was found lacking. This has followed me throughout my life…no matter what accomplishments I attained (and there were many),I heard his voice of criticism!
At the age of 41, I had a child, and every cell on his body is breath-takingly beautiful to me. I have kept the promise I made to myself to make sure my child felt cherished and valued! Unfortunately I did not have a daughter, but I am teaching my son how to be a tender, loving, and kind man who will cherish his wife and family. He has been such a gift from God to me, and for the firt time in my life I believe I am beautiful to have made such a wonderful son. We all have beauty and value, and I need to remind myself of this every day, as I reinforce it in my growing boy!
I totally agree with Amy’s comment and I would also like to add that it was my mother and father who guide me and helped me to feel important. I have written this before and I stress it again, that a girl child does not get affirmation from her dad only. And a dad does not guide a girl toward a husband anymore than a mother guides a son towards a wife. The subtle movement in this country suggests that daughters need validation from a dad and then a husband. And we wonder why girls get pregnant and have such low self esteem. We put too much power in the role of a dad. I needed my mother just as much and maybe more. I talked about sex and dating with my mom. She is the one that told me and my sisters about men, not dad!! When puberty came, my dad respected our need for privacy from the female discussions. He repectfully backed away from the topic, but still talked with us about school, career, friends, fashion, music, and all other topics. He respected our female boundaries, but still stayed close to us. He realized that mom could express some thoughts about female issues a little better. That is why I love and respect my dad!!!!!!
I think it’s wonderful to encourage fathers to help daughters to envision the man they will marry some day. And mother’s to do the same with their son’s. I think that’s one of the challenges that we parents face in raising our children in today’s secular world. Preparing them for their marriage is a bit frightening, and as I’ve read from other comments, a turn off for some. Let’s face it, relationships are messy, they involve outsiders, who we may or may not approve of. And in the process, we watch the children we love distancing themselves from us. It can be painful to encourage and talk about life beyond us, to encourage growth beyond the immediate family. However, we are called into a holy relationship with one another, and that’s where God’s covenant is fulfilled. So, I agree with Gina that it’s so important to have as much input into shaping our children’s ideas about marriage and commitment and talking about the characteristics that make a good partner, not just modeling, because that’s not enough, but in taking from the gospel, we have so much the offer in terms of wisdom, God’s wisdom.